The internet, glorious and life-sucking internet. I saw this and it made me realise I had to come to my senses.
The internet's always on my side.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
First thing's first
Okay, I'm going to admit straight out that i've been censoring myself on this blog for a while now. Some kind of fear came over me that someone who shouldn't be reading this would be reading it and then all hell would break loose. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will say a few things I've been holding back (i'm waiting until tomorrow because it's late and I have an 8am appointment in the morning).
The internet, glorious and life-sucking internet. I saw this and it made me realise I had to come to my senses.
The internet's always on my side.
The internet, glorious and life-sucking internet. I saw this and it made me realise I had to come to my senses.
The internet's always on my side.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Southern Love
The trip to South Carolina was amazing. It was cool to make so many memories in such a short amount of time: loudly whistling with P to songs I had never heard before by Gilbert Bécaud (L'important c'est la rose)in the back of the car at 11 pm, getting lost on a boat with 5 kids under 9 years old in a place called 'Alligator Alley', being ridden around on a sea-doo and giving new meaning to 'hold tight', visiting the a plantation, bouncing in really strong waves with butt scratches to prove it, sweating like i've never sweated before, and spending a 5 hour delay at the Minneapolis airport happy as clams.
This week has been the longest time P and I have ever spent together consecutively. It was great! We are great travelling partners. It was interesting travelling with his family (Mom, Dad and younger sister) in a car, together, crammed, for 20 hours. There isn't too much to say except, their personalities came out pretty vividly. I've always imagined them as a perfect family. Cool-calm-collected at all times. But in this particular case of 6-days together 24/7, I saw some tensions rise and some tempers flare. This was reassuring to me because it made them all a little more human. The examples are too minute to elaborate, but all in all it was an interesting experience of a real family.
I've (almost) never been on road trips with my family, and never for more than couple of hours in the car until our destination. I'm beginning to think that the success of a family depends more on the idea of 'your' family as a whole, rather than the individual parts. That family is more an idea than anything else. Someone in the parenting article I read the other week said something to that effect.
The whole experience of the vacation (seeing P with his family, seeing him interact with little kids) solidified something in me. It didn't evoke specific images of a family with him, but it reaffirmed the presence of a future together. It feels vague, but I know it's there. That's a nice feeling.
A few favourites:
This week has been the longest time P and I have ever spent together consecutively. It was great! We are great travelling partners. It was interesting travelling with his family (Mom, Dad and younger sister) in a car, together, crammed, for 20 hours. There isn't too much to say except, their personalities came out pretty vividly. I've always imagined them as a perfect family. Cool-calm-collected at all times. But in this particular case of 6-days together 24/7, I saw some tensions rise and some tempers flare. This was reassuring to me because it made them all a little more human. The examples are too minute to elaborate, but all in all it was an interesting experience of a real family.
I've (almost) never been on road trips with my family, and never for more than couple of hours in the car until our destination. I'm beginning to think that the success of a family depends more on the idea of 'your' family as a whole, rather than the individual parts. That family is more an idea than anything else. Someone in the parenting article I read the other week said something to that effect.
The whole experience of the vacation (seeing P with his family, seeing him interact with little kids) solidified something in me. It didn't evoke specific images of a family with him, but it reaffirmed the presence of a future together. It feels vague, but I know it's there. That's a nice feeling.
A few favourites:
Monday, July 12, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Expectations 2.0
I'm not much of a purse gal, but this one is beautiful!
I've been wanting to craft a lot lately. Wanting to make posters, paint, and reorganize our apartment (we found an old-new couch on the street the other day, and now our living room finally makes sense!). I'm also mildly obsessed with the idea of having a family. Or more precisely, of being young while starting a family. I guess young doesn't mean the same thing it did a couple decades ago.. but I always keep thinking 'before thirty'. I'd like to have my life on track.
As I typed this post I received an email about yesterday's post (see comments) with the link to an NYMag article. As I began reading it I wondered about the situation of parents today. So many of us are used to getting things done fast and conveniently and went it comes to child rearing that leaves us with buying formula, pre-made purées, using disposable diapers, buying toys (or worse, tv shows) to entertain them at an extremely young age, sending them to daycare. Of course I'm being extreme here, but I think there is something to be said for the culture we're growing up in and how it affects our choices vis-a-vis building our family and raising our children.
What if we stopped and lowered our expectations? What if we let go of our egos and tried connecting with our partners and children? instead of plugging them (or ourselves) to the latest gadget? What if we spent time connecting with them quietly (not with the tv on in the background)? What if we spent time with the baking in the kitchen when they're older? What if we gave them more imagination time? What if we weren't afraid of letting them play alone?
Recently I've been interested in what they call elimination communication, which you could think of as an early potty-training where the parent cues into the babies needs to know when they need to pee or poo and can do so in a potty instead of a diaper. This leads to being potty trained earlier, using less diapers, less resources, etc. The main idea is to be so tuned into your baby that you can almost anticipate their needs. This is interesting too, because i'm not sure how much i've been taught (not having been around baby's that much, save my younger brother) to actually listen to the baby's needs and respond to them accordingly. I was raised on the 'let them cry it out' school of thought. But what if we tuned into the fact that parenting is incredibly hard, instead of thinking 'my kids won't be like that', and what if we realize keeping a family together can also be incredibly challenging?
I wonder if we aren't programmed with exceedingly high expectations about these two facets of life.. or if we're programmed to overestimate our abilities to deal with them?
I've been wanting to craft a lot lately. Wanting to make posters, paint, and reorganize our apartment (we found an old-new couch on the street the other day, and now our living room finally makes sense!). I'm also mildly obsessed with the idea of having a family. Or more precisely, of being young while starting a family. I guess young doesn't mean the same thing it did a couple decades ago.. but I always keep thinking 'before thirty'. I'd like to have my life on track.
As I typed this post I received an email about yesterday's post (see comments) with the link to an NYMag article. As I began reading it I wondered about the situation of parents today. So many of us are used to getting things done fast and conveniently and went it comes to child rearing that leaves us with buying formula, pre-made purées, using disposable diapers, buying toys (or worse, tv shows) to entertain them at an extremely young age, sending them to daycare. Of course I'm being extreme here, but I think there is something to be said for the culture we're growing up in and how it affects our choices vis-a-vis building our family and raising our children.
What if we stopped and lowered our expectations? What if we let go of our egos and tried connecting with our partners and children? instead of plugging them (or ourselves) to the latest gadget? What if we spent time connecting with them quietly (not with the tv on in the background)? What if we spent time with the baking in the kitchen when they're older? What if we gave them more imagination time? What if we weren't afraid of letting them play alone?
Recently I've been interested in what they call elimination communication, which you could think of as an early potty-training where the parent cues into the babies needs to know when they need to pee or poo and can do so in a potty instead of a diaper. This leads to being potty trained earlier, using less diapers, less resources, etc. The main idea is to be so tuned into your baby that you can almost anticipate their needs. This is interesting too, because i'm not sure how much i've been taught (not having been around baby's that much, save my younger brother) to actually listen to the baby's needs and respond to them accordingly. I was raised on the 'let them cry it out' school of thought. But what if we tuned into the fact that parenting is incredibly hard, instead of thinking 'my kids won't be like that', and what if we realize keeping a family together can also be incredibly challenging?
I wonder if we aren't programmed with exceedingly high expectations about these two facets of life.. or if we're programmed to overestimate our abilities to deal with them?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Death by Blogs
Mama-baby blogs are the death of me. They're so dangerous! It makes me all excited about having babies, because there are all kinds of new things (and old-new things) that are so darn cute! and make having babies look fun!
For example, this blog.
I'm going to sign up for yoga classes!
For example, this blog.
I'm going to sign up for yoga classes!
Monday, June 28, 2010
A key!
P left me my very own key to his house today. Keys and personal spaces are not a huge deal for us, I gave him a key a few months ago, but it's still fun!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Long Overdue
Lots of thing have been happening in the last weeks. Lots of ice cream, hanging out with friends, Xavier Dolan's new film, parents arriving, graduating, having fits, laughing them off, working, not working, taking driving courses and reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book.
I've been coping with all these things relatively well. One strange thing that happened after my graduation supper is me having a total fit on the corner of Prince-Arthur and St-Urbain. It was me going from zero to 500 in a fraction of a second. It was a moment that has probably been building up for years. Me, walking with my mom and P, making a comment on how bratty my half-brother had been during the post-graduation family supper, them responding with 'but he's only twelve' and my reaction exploding out of nowhere. I threw the roses I had received on the ground and yelled 'I hate this kid!' storming of on St-Urbain and not looking behind, but not before I ripped my arm away from P who was trying to calm me down. I wondered if he would come running for me during a split second, but it's better that he didn't. My mom might've gotten lost, and I would have channelled my physical reaction onto him.
Like I said, this didn't happen from one isolated moment and honestly it's too long and complicated to explain here, but to summarize, it's largely about the lack of respect that this spoiled kid shows towards his parents, and the fact that he takes them so much for granted even though he's so lucky to have them both around. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but a few friends have remarked that this anger is probably a transference of anger that I have towards my parents, and not actually anger towards my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that hypothesis.. since I feel very aware of my emotions towards my dad, and they never manifest themselves so violently.
Either way, I got home. My mom was there. I didn't see P's shoes so I thought for a second maybe he left instead of staying over that night. He had gone to try to find me. I called him, he came back. I hashed out some ideas with my mom and by the time he got back I was feeling better. He made me talk about it a little, but eventually just made me giggle. All in all, i'm somewhat glad the outburst happened.. though I wish it would've happened at another time. Now i'm intrigued by this side of me i've never seen before.
My mom was lovely and awesome to be around, and it was nice to have everybody come together around a happy occasion. It feels fun to have graduated. To be done with that chapter of life. I have a feeling of endless possibility right now, which is nice.
I feel like letting out a big 'ahhhhh'.
I've been coping with all these things relatively well. One strange thing that happened after my graduation supper is me having a total fit on the corner of Prince-Arthur and St-Urbain. It was me going from zero to 500 in a fraction of a second. It was a moment that has probably been building up for years. Me, walking with my mom and P, making a comment on how bratty my half-brother had been during the post-graduation family supper, them responding with 'but he's only twelve' and my reaction exploding out of nowhere. I threw the roses I had received on the ground and yelled 'I hate this kid!' storming of on St-Urbain and not looking behind, but not before I ripped my arm away from P who was trying to calm me down. I wondered if he would come running for me during a split second, but it's better that he didn't. My mom might've gotten lost, and I would have channelled my physical reaction onto him.
Like I said, this didn't happen from one isolated moment and honestly it's too long and complicated to explain here, but to summarize, it's largely about the lack of respect that this spoiled kid shows towards his parents, and the fact that he takes them so much for granted even though he's so lucky to have them both around. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but a few friends have remarked that this anger is probably a transference of anger that I have towards my parents, and not actually anger towards my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that hypothesis.. since I feel very aware of my emotions towards my dad, and they never manifest themselves so violently.
Either way, I got home. My mom was there. I didn't see P's shoes so I thought for a second maybe he left instead of staying over that night. He had gone to try to find me. I called him, he came back. I hashed out some ideas with my mom and by the time he got back I was feeling better. He made me talk about it a little, but eventually just made me giggle. All in all, i'm somewhat glad the outburst happened.. though I wish it would've happened at another time. Now i'm intrigued by this side of me i've never seen before.
My mom was lovely and awesome to be around, and it was nice to have everybody come together around a happy occasion. It feels fun to have graduated. To be done with that chapter of life. I have a feeling of endless possibility right now, which is nice.
I feel like letting out a big 'ahhhhh'.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Filmmaker and the Librarian Kiss
The other night after my mom told me about her July operation we chatted for a bit and then hung up. Not 10 minutes later, P calls. I'm busy researching the abnormal cells and as soon as he asks me how I am, I fall silent. Holding back gulps, I tell him the news. He consoles me and says he'll be there later. He calls after work and shows up around 1am. He lightens the mood by talking about our mutual friend who recently got a girlfriend (a first it seems). He mentions something about his 'list'. The new girl isn't quite bilingual, he says, and that was one of the things on his list. I ask him what else is on it, he says: bilingual, sporty, and silly. It seems I fit the profile. We talk and giggle about it some more and then it hits me: oh my god, we're talking, really talking, he's being open, honest and lovely. We talk about love more than we ever have before. He says for him, love is something you have inside of you. It's yours. Your love doesn't necessarily die when a relationship ends because it's yours. Obviously, if a relationship does end, there's a point when you have to move on, and you can because you still have your love, it's not shattered and you're not shattered by this person's absence. This is an interesting theory, and I kind of like it. It sort of flows with the Buddhist stuff I've been reading.
Everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship is now here, right in front of me. Patience. Wow -- it creates miracles. Letting this happen, I like this.
We spend the next day together - have breakfast at Le Zigoto, walk around looking for garage sales (unsuccessfully), then go home hang out and split for our separate social engagements.
We come back together that night after my dinner/movie and his wrap party. We talk some more, about my lack of tact (my words, not his) and he consoles me some more. It's not the first time he's been there for me, he was really there for me when my grandmother passed away, but it's the first time I felt him really there in the moment as it was happening. It's an incredible feeling.
Our other mutual friend Arl is leaving at the beginning of August. He's moving to Mexico to launch his career. His departure is earlier than we thought.. so their plans to make a film together are going to be put aside, and his absence is something i'll have to get used to sooner than later. He invited us to go visit him when he gets to Mexico. P asks 'you want to go to Mexico someday?' pausing, like he's asking a real question and waiting for a real answer, and I answer 'yeah, of course'. Looking into the future (with someone). Pretty nice.
Everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship is now here, right in front of me. Patience. Wow -- it creates miracles. Letting this happen, I like this.
We spend the next day together - have breakfast at Le Zigoto, walk around looking for garage sales (unsuccessfully), then go home hang out and split for our separate social engagements.
We come back together that night after my dinner/movie and his wrap party. We talk some more, about my lack of tact (my words, not his) and he consoles me some more. It's not the first time he's been there for me, he was really there for me when my grandmother passed away, but it's the first time I felt him really there in the moment as it was happening. It's an incredible feeling.
Our other mutual friend Arl is leaving at the beginning of August. He's moving to Mexico to launch his career. His departure is earlier than we thought.. so their plans to make a film together are going to be put aside, and his absence is something i'll have to get used to sooner than later. He invited us to go visit him when he gets to Mexico. P asks 'you want to go to Mexico someday?' pausing, like he's asking a real question and waiting for a real answer, and I answer 'yeah, of course'. Looking into the future (with someone). Pretty nice.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
New Mantra
"You already are everything you could possibly want to be. You already have everything you could possibly want."
My mom told me she's having some pre-cancerous cells removed in July. This hurts to the core of my being, but she's in good spirits, so I will be too.
Be supportive.
My mom told me she's having some pre-cancerous cells removed in July. This hurts to the core of my being, but she's in good spirits, so I will be too.
Be supportive.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Don't Give Drugs to a Pregnant Woman
Apparently, the use of some drug called Pitocin is extremely common. When mama's contractions (which are normally dictated by the natural hormones of the body) are not "fast" enough for the hospital, they pump this drug through her IV to get things rolling. This causes longer and more intense contractions; very painful. Oh, pain? You don't want to feel that, let's stick a needle in your spine to make everything better. This Epidural slows down labor, so of course, more Pitocin is needed and the contractions brought on by this dose is not felt, because the Epidural has got you so strung out you don't feel anything. All these drugs and amplified contractions can cause problems for your baby, so it has nothing more to do but than to go into distress, ultimately leading to a cesarean.
If hospitals weren't on a schedule, if the medical system wasn't a business. This would not happen.
Tampering with a woman's natural hormones has critical results. The natural release of oxytocin can't happen. The love-high people describe, the one that makes everything worthwhile, the one that bonds the mother and the baby doesn't happen. As one doctor put it: the mother doesn't have the same kind of love for her child, the same level of interest. The way the world is going, can we survive without love?
I just watched an incredibly moving documentary called "The Business of Being Born". After seeing this, and hearing the experiences of women who come to Bummis, I would never want to give birth in a hospital. Watching women have painful, but also somehow serene home births brought me to tears.
The lack of information that is out there is appalling. Absolutely appalling. Considering all the women giving birth everyday, I'm shocked at what kind of hospital procedures are the norm. Of course, sometimes they are necessary, but I think the rate of unecessary interventions should be seriously considered problematic.
More and more i'm becoming interested in the stories of women, less and less about their stories in relation to the men in their life (not completly of course!). I'm becoming fascinated with how they experience the world, how they feel the world, how they think the world.
Why does society hinder our ability to trust our bodies, and to have others trust our bodies? Why should doubt always be pointed in our direction?
I don't understand why people aren't allowed to feel that they already are everything they want to be: able to give life, able to feel love, able to nurture and more.
If hospitals weren't on a schedule, if the medical system wasn't a business. This would not happen.
Tampering with a woman's natural hormones has critical results. The natural release of oxytocin can't happen. The love-high people describe, the one that makes everything worthwhile, the one that bonds the mother and the baby doesn't happen. As one doctor put it: the mother doesn't have the same kind of love for her child, the same level of interest. The way the world is going, can we survive without love?
I just watched an incredibly moving documentary called "The Business of Being Born". After seeing this, and hearing the experiences of women who come to Bummis, I would never want to give birth in a hospital. Watching women have painful, but also somehow serene home births brought me to tears.
The lack of information that is out there is appalling. Absolutely appalling. Considering all the women giving birth everyday, I'm shocked at what kind of hospital procedures are the norm. Of course, sometimes they are necessary, but I think the rate of unecessary interventions should be seriously considered problematic.
More and more i'm becoming interested in the stories of women, less and less about their stories in relation to the men in their life (not completly of course!). I'm becoming fascinated with how they experience the world, how they feel the world, how they think the world.
Why does society hinder our ability to trust our bodies, and to have others trust our bodies? Why should doubt always be pointed in our direction?
I don't understand why people aren't allowed to feel that they already are everything they want to be: able to give life, able to feel love, able to nurture and more.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Happy Birthdays
Wow. Something amazing has happened and I feel proud.
Last night we celebrated P's birthday with a BBQ and some friends at his place. I was responsible for bringing meat and making desert, so I brought Beef/Bison meat for burgers (delicious!) and made a chocolate loaf with a scoop of ice cream and a raspberry coulis for desert. The whole night was great. We blew huge balloons, I made him a pennant, the house felt festive and the vibe was light between everybody. Everything was great until the moment I started handing the prepared desert plates to everybody. P said something about the desert without thinking (he had had several drinks by that point) that I found very hurtful . It wasn't shouted across the room or anything, just loud enough that my ears picked it up and sent me from zero to one hundred on the angry-o-meter. I stuck a candle on his cake, lit it, and plopped his plate in front of him before bolting to the bathroom.
I got in there and I was fuming. I had to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes just to calm down. I felt like he just crapped on all the effort i put into the desert, the concept of the desert, the presentation and everything. I told myself to calm down and not ruin the party for everyone else. So I went back to the group, but I was cold towards P for a good while after that. We went into the living room and talked and played a game. Finally, with enough laughter my anger subsided.
I soon felt snugly and affectionate towards him. Rustling his hair as I passed by, stopping to give him kisses.
After the party when we were cleaning up the kitchen he asked me if I had fun, I replied 'yes... all the time, except the moment when you made me really really mad.' He stopped and looked at em while I explained that his comment really felt like he didn't appreciate what I did. He apologized and apologized and apologized.
What I like about this situation and what I find amazing is that I told him straight away what bothered me, and I didn't sugar coat it. Normally, I would have said things evasively, but this time I was even somewhat crude: 'I felt like you shit all over my effort!' I said. He got the point. I also really like that I didn't cry. Usually I would think about this, sit with it, analyse it, and get myself all worked up, resulting in a tearful confession. I said what I had to say, we talked, and I didn't feel the weight of my anger anymore. It was great to go through all those feelings and emotions and leave them behind.
I do understand though, that this question of sometimes feeling taken for granted is recurring recently. Don't get me wrong. P is always affectionnate, doing sweet things for me, sending me sweet emails, and being patient and caring. There is lots and lots of good. I just see a trend when it comes to social gatherings. Possibly because he feels out of his comfort zone.. who knows.
Lots of balloons!
Currently I'm obsessed with caribbean, calypso and any song with 'coconut' in it. Summer is here!
I got in there and I was fuming. I had to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes just to calm down. I felt like he just crapped on all the effort i put into the desert, the concept of the desert, the presentation and everything. I told myself to calm down and not ruin the party for everyone else. So I went back to the group, but I was cold towards P for a good while after that. We went into the living room and talked and played a game. Finally, with enough laughter my anger subsided.
I soon felt snugly and affectionate towards him. Rustling his hair as I passed by, stopping to give him kisses.
After the party when we were cleaning up the kitchen he asked me if I had fun, I replied 'yes... all the time, except the moment when you made me really really mad.' He stopped and looked at em while I explained that his comment really felt like he didn't appreciate what I did. He apologized and apologized and apologized.
What I like about this situation and what I find amazing is that I told him straight away what bothered me, and I didn't sugar coat it. Normally, I would have said things evasively, but this time I was even somewhat crude: 'I felt like you shit all over my effort!' I said. He got the point. I also really like that I didn't cry. Usually I would think about this, sit with it, analyse it, and get myself all worked up, resulting in a tearful confession. I said what I had to say, we talked, and I didn't feel the weight of my anger anymore. It was great to go through all those feelings and emotions and leave them behind.
I do understand though, that this question of sometimes feeling taken for granted is recurring recently. Don't get me wrong. P is always affectionnate, doing sweet things for me, sending me sweet emails, and being patient and caring. There is lots and lots of good. I just see a trend when it comes to social gatherings. Possibly because he feels out of his comfort zone.. who knows.
Lots of balloons!
Currently I'm obsessed with caribbean, calypso and any song with 'coconut' in it. Summer is here!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Everything is Great!
How can that be? I'm not sure, but something in me feels really balanced.
As I typed this, I've just had a conversation with P that made me want to cry.
I told him randomly in a chat that I felt really balanced and that I want to try expressing when I feel balanced as much as when I feel confused. He responded positively. Then I asked him how he's feeling these days -- something I would have done with great hesitation and anxiety, if at all, in the times I felt less balanced vis-a-vis our relationship. He responded 'happy. toi?' and I responded by saying I feel like this:
and he responded with this:
he sent the image instantly, which leads me to believe he saved it somewhere, because he knows i like cute fox pictures.
Okay, okay, can the sentimentalism.
Things are great lately. Probably partly because I've been eating really well, sleeping well, working a lot -- ie. less money worries, making it a point to go outside, taking walks with P instead of sitting around. I've noticed walks are a great way to have a conversation. We chat during our walks, about things we might otherwise not discuss. Probably because walking just created the opportunity. I really like it.
I think I've been eating slightly less sugar (she says with two packages of Pepperidge Farms cookies on her bed), but I'm working on eating more veggies and fruit. It's easy to eat healthy when I make it a point to go to Jean-Talon. Going there makes me want to be so healthy.
In other news, I resolved my jealousy issue. I talked with my mom, she made me realise it was okay to feel what I was feeling, that I just had to go through it, and I did. I even went as far as talking to the person I was jealous of. I spilled my whole beans and left the conversation feeling much better about it; feeling like I had grown up, actually.
I feel sad Vnss is leaving, but I also feel happy that she's embarking on a new part of her life. Hanging around with her these last few weeks made me realise how much I miss her. All we did before was hang out like that : downtown, involving food, often films, and always walking. But Ottawa isn't far, so it'll be alright.
Right now, nothing much is bothering me, and that's a really good feeling. I feel really happy. C'est pas plus compliqué que ça!
As I typed this, I've just had a conversation with P that made me want to cry.
I told him randomly in a chat that I felt really balanced and that I want to try expressing when I feel balanced as much as when I feel confused. He responded positively. Then I asked him how he's feeling these days -- something I would have done with great hesitation and anxiety, if at all, in the times I felt less balanced vis-a-vis our relationship. He responded 'happy. toi?' and I responded by saying I feel like this:
and he responded with this:
he sent the image instantly, which leads me to believe he saved it somewhere, because he knows i like cute fox pictures.
Okay, okay, can the sentimentalism.
Things are great lately. Probably partly because I've been eating really well, sleeping well, working a lot -- ie. less money worries, making it a point to go outside, taking walks with P instead of sitting around. I've noticed walks are a great way to have a conversation. We chat during our walks, about things we might otherwise not discuss. Probably because walking just created the opportunity. I really like it.
I think I've been eating slightly less sugar (she says with two packages of Pepperidge Farms cookies on her bed), but I'm working on eating more veggies and fruit. It's easy to eat healthy when I make it a point to go to Jean-Talon. Going there makes me want to be so healthy.
In other news, I resolved my jealousy issue. I talked with my mom, she made me realise it was okay to feel what I was feeling, that I just had to go through it, and I did. I even went as far as talking to the person I was jealous of. I spilled my whole beans and left the conversation feeling much better about it; feeling like I had grown up, actually.
I feel sad Vnss is leaving, but I also feel happy that she's embarking on a new part of her life. Hanging around with her these last few weeks made me realise how much I miss her. All we did before was hang out like that : downtown, involving food, often films, and always walking. But Ottawa isn't far, so it'll be alright.
Right now, nothing much is bothering me, and that's a really good feeling. I feel really happy. C'est pas plus compliqué que ça!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Short Love Quotes
Something inside me is good. Calm.
Maybe it's my refocus on home-cooking, a few new articles of clothing, a new perspective? Either way, I've been feeling really good lately.
In an unrelated topic, P was telling me about his friend Smn last night. Smn and his recent but significant girlfriend have been having the usual long-distance relationship troubles. It's too bad it's happening so soon, they've only been together since the Olympics (where they sort of met). My instant reaction was 'P you got to tell them to chill out!' which is funny, because it's a very mellow reaction, especially for me. But we kept talking about it and P said 'I told him that the reason it works so well between us is because we're just relax about everything. We have our own lives, we do what we want, we see each other when we want, we call each other when we want and that's that' (or something along these lines) and what's interesting is that I agreed with him. These days, along with feelings of wanting to marry him, are thoughts that everything is great between us, and the pressure is off.
I like feeling this calm certainty. Or maybe it's not certainty, but it's being okay with the unknown. I feel really present these days.
And besides that, I'm really becoming obsessed with chairs these days... this one makes me swoon.
and this one
Friday, May 14, 2010
A few hours later...
a few things made me feel better:
1. mom
1 b. her fabulous advice
2. this cuteness
3. this reminder blog
4. eating Jamie Oliver's broccoli tagliatelle (a simpler version)
1. mom
1 b. her fabulous advice
2. this cuteness
3. this reminder blog
4. eating Jamie Oliver's broccoli tagliatelle (a simpler version)
Jealous of Grace
I feel like i'm revisiting previous themes in this post. I've been feeling verrry out of sorts these last few days. Part of that is due to my bike having a flat, me trying to fix it to no avail (rusted wheel!) and needing to spend money to get it fixed. Being unable to fix it frustrates me, and not having a bike to get around with makes me feel weird and lost.
Another part of this is the resurgence of my jealousy, something I'm not proud of at all and ultimately only eats away at me inside. I know it's somehow related to my insecurity, but I have no idea how to begin tackling this beast.
I'm jealous of some people around me. I'm jealous of people who get recognition for things they do (or that they did with me). I'm disappointed that nothing I did this year got recognition.
I'm beating myself up even more for feeling all these things, which I shouldn't.. but somehow I can't help it.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Another part of this is the resurgence of my jealousy, something I'm not proud of at all and ultimately only eats away at me inside. I know it's somehow related to my insecurity, but I have no idea how to begin tackling this beast.
I'm jealous of some people around me. I'm jealous of people who get recognition for things they do (or that they did with me). I'm disappointed that nothing I did this year got recognition.
I'm beating myself up even more for feeling all these things, which I shouldn't.. but somehow I can't help it.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Crazy Thoughts
I have to write these down to get them out of my head!
I've been having these scenarios in my mind, what P and I's life would be like if we spent it together. About wanting to get married. About having kids. I feel really happy when I think about this stuff. I also imagine little (big) things like 'oh maybe P is so nice and patient when I'm having my random existential crises because he wants to be with me forever too!' All my design blogs aren't helping either... all they make me want to do it settle down.
Weird and crazy thoughts. They scare me a little. They are evidence of how invested I'm willing to be in this thing.. I wonder until what point..
I'm also very much aware of the fact that sometimes people break up after years of being together.. and that that could happen to us. But I hope it doesn't.
I've been having these scenarios in my mind, what P and I's life would be like if we spent it together. About wanting to get married. About having kids. I feel really happy when I think about this stuff. I also imagine little (big) things like 'oh maybe P is so nice and patient when I'm having my random existential crises because he wants to be with me forever too!' All my design blogs aren't helping either... all they make me want to do it settle down.
Weird and crazy thoughts. They scare me a little. They are evidence of how invested I'm willing to be in this thing.. I wonder until what point..
I'm also very much aware of the fact that sometimes people break up after years of being together.. and that that could happen to us. But I hope it doesn't.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So Many Possibilities!
I'm excited! I'm geeky! I love it!
I'm super pumped to be doing this journal for Vnss's work. I watched Indesign tutorials today! It was great!
Weeeee!
I'm super pumped to be doing this journal for Vnss's work. I watched Indesign tutorials today! It was great!
Weeeee!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Montreal Toronto and Back
I've spent the last few days thinking about this toronto-montreal question. The fact that I felt so urgently that I needed to find a way to get to toronto made me begin rethinking that urgency. I found myself thinking 'But if I stay in Montreal, it'll be two more years of this?!' That thought scared me, and made me feel like an asshole. Two more years of what? Awesome friends? Awesome boyfriend? Nice apartment? Reasonable rent? Good job? Good food? Familiarity? What was going on inside my head that made me sweep all that under the 'Toronto Rules' rug?!
Talking to everyone has made me know and feel all the great things I have around me. I don't feel desperate. The desperation I had related to the program has also dissipated. I check course by course what Toronto had vs. what McGill has, and come to find out, they are worded differently, but they are quite similar. I'm still worried that somehow I will miss opportunities by not going to Toronto (job-wise, or connection-wise), but I also think that it's important for me to consider where I want to live and make my life. I'm pretty sure it's not Toronto. Besides, I was thinking it could be cool to go there for a class or two, a workshop or two at some point in the next two years. I could create a link that way.
Another major factor influencing my decision is the fact that by saving all this money, I can have the flexibility to travel a little bit, save money to pay my debt, but more importantly, this money would alleviate some of the urgency I could feel after I graduate. The urgency to take a job, any job, to make my payments could trap me in something bad.
I do have a fear that staying here somehow means stagnating, but i'm not sure that's a fear I should indulge in.
I'm still on the fence. (Feedback from the peanut gallery would be appreciated)
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