My life

Right now there are a couple of words that summarize my life for the last few weeks:

Jamie Oliver
Food
Work
Food
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations
Moment Factory
Blogs
Food
Food blogs
lack of sleep.

Not so bad.

I've been out of the blogging mood lately. Not sure why. Fatigue probably. but I hope I can start it up again in a week or so...

fingers crossed.

Mam

it's my mom's birthday in two days. for some reason i feel really emotional about it. she's turning 50, but she's still the most stylish person i know.

soulmates. she's my soulmate.

it's about time

Wow... no posts for the past 20 days...

I even thought about retiring this little old blog.. it made me sad to think that I had reached a point that I wanted to avoid my thoughts. So I decided not to retire it, and somehow, here I am.

A lot has happened in the last 20 days. P and I are still together. We broke up temporarily for one night, but went back on our decision. There's something holding us together, i'm sort of struggling to figure out what it is, and sort of okay with not knowing.

All of my thoughts and feelings these days are dictated by this incredible stress i'm feeling about school...

So much stress I can't even really articulate thoughts anymore. So far it has just affected my brain, not my attitude.

More on this.. in small doses.

I found it

I had been looking for my compassion for a few days now, and i finally found it.

I realized everything that's going on with P is putting a lot of pressure on me. I've decided to stop thinking about it for a few days and let the answer come to me when i'm ready.

We had dinner last night and everything felt fine. Not superb, obviously, but generally good.

There's also part of me which wants to at least enjoy a little bit of the fact that he's now day-shift, and what it would be like to have a relationship on a normal schedule.

I deserve that. I want to know what it feels like. And I want to stop pressuring myself to make a decision because it's not making it any easier on me.

Just go with the flow. New mantra.

boys just want to have fun

I've got too many thoughts in my head to write out something that makes sense.

P and I were on a break this week. We came back this weekend and I asked him what he thought about this week. He said 'it's simple, I just want to have fun'.

Too much confusion ensued for me to make sense of it here. I've never come so close to saying 'I can't do this'.

We're speaking two different languages and i'm scared that i'm going to end this because something gets lost in translation.

I say I have no expectations, I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me, I want to take it one day at a time, I want to be in this 100% until it lasts -- for however long that may be.

He says I want to have fun.

Are we saying the same thing in different words?

I have so many questions. I feel like i'm floating. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I've been talking like I know what it's like to be in a relationship... and now i'm rethinking the whole thing. Where we ever in a relationship?

I don't know what to do... this situation has become so complicated I can't even find my compassion.

after a quiet week...

outcomes

I don't like that i've stopped writing here. Sometimes I worry about documenting things as they happen because it makes them feel too real.

P and I are on a break this week.

It was brought on by my asking him what i'm supposed to do with the thing he said in december about him not seeing me in his future. I've been feeling something about his position in the relationship for months, and it was confirmed on saturday when he said he didn't know what he wanted. His internal conflict is also related to his own idea of what love is..

I asked him to sleep on it, and told him I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

I know my limits. I know what answer I need to move forward with him. We'll see what happens on saturday. I'm ready for any outcome.

bouch-bée

Mad Men season four makes me a little bit sad...

The middle!

Two days away from having 3/8ths of my master's done.

One paper to go.

Nice.

Backing Off

Things are going remarkably well these days, I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due by friday and i just started my research tonight. Normally, a major crisis would be happening right now, but instead, I'm only having mild panic attacks.

I've decided I'm going to write my papers my way, about what I care about: compassion, doing good, bringing positivity to the most people possible. Taking it this way makes me feel genuinely excited about these things.

In other news, I had a minor internal tension towards P the other day. I got all rattled up because he doesn't eat as well as I think he should. I know, I know.. "i think he should" is very dangerous territory to trek and I'm trying my hardest to stay away.

I should say though, that he has come around to Jamie Oliver. He has made a number of recipes on his own and really liked them.

I know it's not up to me to feed him, and I don't want to do anything that resembles being a mother, but it makes me sad when he only eats once per day and doesn't take the time to get groceries to eat better. He says it's because he's busy, but... are adults less busy? are adults with full time jobs less busy? are adults with full time jobs and kids less busy? The answer is no, you have to make time to take care of yourself. It makes me sad because I know he enjoys cooking, but I guess he enjoys sleeping and working more than cooking.. for now anyway.

He'll be switching to day shift next week. A whole year of night shift is now coming to an end. Suddenly he's seeing all the benefits of working nights.

I don't like all the negativity I'm hearing in this post, but I had to get it off my chest. I care about him a lot, but he is his own person, and I know he does not like to be told what to do, so I have to back off... and I think that might not be as easy for me as I think.

I suppose I have my own control issues here...

Advice to myself:

Choo-Choo!

That's the sound of a train. I was that train today, happily, and more importantly, productively, chugging along an endless list of work.

Why do I know how good I feel when I do my schoolwork, yet I spend, hours upon hours wasting time not doing that schoolwork? Is it because I like the pressure of getting everything done close to the wire? I never thought I was one of those people, since I shudder at the thought of improvisation. I need to be prepared for school stuff to feel good and satisfied, and happy in some sense.

Today was a great day. I hope I can kick myself into gear tomorrow to have another one.

New Blog!

I've started a design blog. Somewhere for me to expand my ideas about design and keep track of my development.

I haven't worked out the kinks, but I like it minimalist.

This blog will still go on, cause i'm still going to need a place to vent and be neurotic, but the other blog might be a little more put-together. Or at least I hope it will be.

Check it out.

http://adeleflannery.tumblr.com/

Baby Posters!

Posters are really awesomely fun to make, especially when they're in a series. Series are awesome. It's really fun and tricky to make something different but cohesive.

For Bummis I tried to stay in primary colors but make it a little grown up. The posters they had in the past have been... atrocious. I think these are an improvement.



Baby-land is seriously lacking some smart design. Strollers, highchairs, clothes, toys, most of them are kind of offensive to look at with all their colors and strange shapes. It seems like no thought whatsoever has gone behind it. Of course, there are some exceptions, but in general, it's a pretty sad state of affairs.

I should really be working on the assignments that are due and not thinking about the bad design of baby-land..

Food!

At first glance, I have trouble swallowing art that relates to food, and more specifically wasting food. This woman's art (and profession) is pretty interesting. I also like her candidness. When she says at the end that she's forty, I'm like 'waaaa?'. People like that make me excited to get older.

I like this place called Eataly in New York. Superstar chef Mario Batalli is involved. I had never heard of it until now, but it looks very cool.

Jennifer Rubell - An Artist Who Uses Food as Her Canvas from Gestalten on Vimeo.

Rooms!

More photoshop playing...

Before:


After:


I get it, I get it, I get it. I think..

New Understanding

I finally understand why my blog looks so different (read: not as cool) than other blogs.

Enter: Canon 7D.

Eureka! It's all in the camera. Now I understand how those shallow-focus, slightly over-exposed pictures that I find so beautiful are taken!



Okay, so my pictures aren't that pretty (besides the pretty content), but I see the potential of the camera!

I managed to get P to see that the true purpose of him getting this camera was to jump-start his food photography career. He says it's for that movie stuff he does, but I know the truth.



I've decided we're going to be the next Tastespotting: I make the food, he snaps away. Here we have a lovely breakfast with scrambled eggs, a mélange of stir-fried veggies seasoned with rosemary, decadent molasses raisin-bread, and my own concoction, yogurt filled apple with almonds and a drizzle of maple syrup. Very pretty, very tasty.

Here I am attempting some Apartment Therapy-style photography. Not quite as nice, and not staged enough, but I'd still say it's a pretty cute bedroom!



Now that I see this picture, I wonder if there aren't a few things that should change... the lampshade, I wonder what it would look like with a chevron pattern in grey. I have been wanting to paint the wall behind my bed grey for the longest time. I never get around to asking the landlord if I can or not. I also still have to figure out how to wax my bed.

Today is such a strange and beautiful day. It's grey, but still sunny. A golden-late-afternoon kind of sun.

Yesterday P and I went skating on the mountain. I found these old skates in the backroom and thought I might as well give them a try instead of renting some. Turns out they work perfectly (almost -- they could use a little sharpening). I think i'm going to try to get us out doing sports more often. It's really fun, and I like when P says things like "You skate better than Simon!".

Lately we've been spending almost all our weekends together. It's really nice. It feels sort of like what it would if we lived together. Or, since i've never lived with a boyfriend I don't actually know what that would feel like, but I imagine it's something like this.

I've also been dreaming about what I could so if my apartment went for sale and I could renovate it. Something gorgeous I'm telling you. Breaking down walls, bigger kitchen, more light, expand the balcony, make the bathroom a little bigger. Put two kids in my room (because it has two closets), adults in the double room with fire place, install some kind of closet system there (since there are none now, seal the door between it and the other room, make that an office with the balcony, keep the living-room as is but devote it to cozy couches and chairs. Beautiful!

I don't know what i'll do if I ever have to leave this place. It feels part of the life I wish to have.

Here's a picture I played with in photoshop. I'm not sure if it's an improvement or not... but I like it. I think I made it look like the way I saw it in my mind. The original was much flatter and washed out.

Pretty!



So much creativity! If only I could channel it into my studies...

Satisfaction

I've been feeling exceptionally good for the last few days. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has something to do with being (somewhat) on top of things at school, doing yoga, and trying to eat down-home-simple foods (butternut squash anyone?).

When I got back from the Maritimes I had this crazy tension-pain in my shoulders, and some kind of inability to deal with it with yoga. I was avoiding yoga. Finally I went to a class and had lots of feelings of fear of hurting myself and not wanting to sink into the positions (aka letting go). I've been to a few classes in the last weeks and the tension-pain is gone. Last night I was able to sink in/ let go a little more.

Another fun thing is that I feel really good creatively. The project last weekend, the chair I've found, just the general handy-craft vibe is incredibly satisfying. Also though, perhaps it's getting a bit of recognition from other people for my work. A few tuesdays ago I went to a friend's house to remodel her living room with her. It was super fun and she keeps telling me how much she likes it, tells her friends about it, gets compliments, etc etc. We're thinking of tagging up sometimes during her doula gigs. If she recognizes a home in need of some attention, she might give me a call to come help out. That would be super awesome and nice to do.

I'm also still dabbling with the graphic design and thinking about making some kind of website/blog to keep track of all my files and my evolution.

I've made two tentative posters for the colloquium and i'm unsure which I like best.



The one on the left seems to say 'hello, i'm nice and interesting, you should come to this event if you can make it', whereas the right says 'hey, look at me, come to this thing'.

Something about making posters is incredibly satisfying.

The Rack and the Chair

P and I spent the weekend plugging away at a shoe-rack for his hallway. It's too bad we didn't take a 'before' picture, but we did snap a few 'afters'.





Pretty nifty! It's almost like the shoes are floating. It was a design I found on Apartment Therapy that looked like this:



It makes me want to make some for my apartment too, we have just the right space for it.

In the meantime, I "found" an Eames/Herman Miller-style chair in the street tonight. It's in rough shape, but I'm excited with the idea of refinishing it since i've read so many blogs about refinishing them and they always look awesome.

I also baked a chocolate-beet loaf with a friend from school this morning. Surprisingly good!

Also, I just want to say: I've never had a clementine with leaves on it in my life until about one month ago, and it's the best thing i've ever tasted. I will never go back to box clementines!

School is about to kick-start into high gear, all I want to do right now is sleep.

More fun to come.

New Ambition

I want to be a design historian someday!

Leadership

There is part of me right now that is fuming!

A school association that I am a part of has a student colloquium every year. I was super excited about this. Imagine, students and professors getting together, sharing ideas, moving archival studies forward, pushing their own limits.

We had a meeting in december where we discussed possible themes. I remember the one proposed being a mouthful, and not quite as snappy as it could be. I made a suggestion at the time which, to me, sounded like a better idea (it was Impact: Archival practices and society). Now a few weeks go by and emails are sent out saying the theme is being 'fine tuned' and this is what they come up with: A Variety of Archival Practices and Shifting Achival Paradigms. Now to me, this says: a bunch of stuff being done at a bunch of different times. Basically it says nothing. It's embarrassing.

So, thinking it's no big deal if I remind them of my proposed theme, or at least its structure (ie. choice word with subheading) I write to the group. All too quickly it starts what I can only describe as a shit storm, about work not being appreciated, about disrespect, about bad timing, about this and about that.

I'm thinking, dudes, I didn't question the effort you put into this lame title, I'm questioning whether or not this title is inspiring, or at the very least, saying something. Emails go back and forth and only one other person agreed with me. Hello fish out of water!

The thing that bugs me is that this colloquium has so much potential of saying something, but these guys are setting such low standards (perfectly exemplified by their speakers list -- professor at UQAM, really?).

There's part of me that think this lack of creativity on the part of the organizers is a symptom of a larger problem that is the lack of leadership in archival studies. These people have such an awesome opportunity to say something, but they don't. They are conservativeness personified.

I said something in one email like "wouldn't a colloquium titled Archives and Politics be cool and inspiring!?" and the response I got was 'nobody would want to speak at a colloquium with that topic'. I don't know if i'm more upset about this response, or the fact that it might be true.

I am really trying to find the compassion in this situation, to let go, and not get caught up in who's right and who's wrong, but it's really hard.

Comparing the conference to the one in Toronto is another thing. They are in their third year (we are in our forth) and they have a much more dynamic and exciting format and topic.

Thinking about this stuff is depressing. Thinking about wanting to change things is depressing. Thinking about the status quo is depressing.

I would like to think about taking over for next year, but I think i'm a lone soldier and no-one would support me in my journey...