The Sweetest Boy

Had supper with L tonight. What a gal! Yet another friend to add to the 'You're so smart.. why are you talking to me?' list. We talked about all these cool projects we wanted to do. She's pretty much on board with my film journal idea. She's got an idea for an image-project involving this year's class of upandcomers. She also wants me to be in a portrait project she's doing (which P also did). She's still talking about the American road trip, but I'm making too many commitments here to be able to leave. Besides, the city is the best at that time of year. The time before it gets too hot.

We had a pretty excited conversation. One side of me wanted to spend the whole night talking about P, but another side of me wanted to avoid this cliché, and that's the side that won. It turns out they are not as close as I thought. I'm not sure what kind of friend I thought P was, but I often assume people are like me (always giving too much information). The more I think of it (which I'm trying not to) the more I think he's quite reserved. He seems like a 'everything's gonna be fine - brush it off' kind of guy. I mean, ultimately it's all about attitude and he probably has a better attitude about things. I guess what it comes down to is, if in a time of crisis (which hopefully will not happen any time soon) our attitudes will work together.

There's a part of me that's hoping his positivity will rub off on me. That I will become a little less affected by things than I used to be. I think this has happened even before him, though it seems to coincide with his presence.

There's a little part of me that would be scared that his easy-going attitude would turn into indifference which would ultimately breed drama in me. I think I know myself well enough to make that extrapolation.

Anyway, this whole situation is not very stressful. Or at least, I can't let these hypothetical scenarios get to me. I think somehow I set them up, and fall into them. This is part of the reason why I am hesitant towards learning about his past relationship. L mentioned P once opened up about his past relationship and assumed I knew: 'Il t'a parlé de Eileen?' 'Non.. non.. pas du tout'. I'm worried that knowing what went wrong will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. At this point I would sort of going on feeling how I feel, thinking what I think, and letting these things develop independent of previous situations.

I mean, not only with regard to his ex-relationship, but also in regards to mine. I don't want to repeat my past relationship problems. I feel like talking about them risks reviving them, when in a way, I feel like I've moved past them. Or, I guess the adult thing to think is that you've moved past them when it's not a big deal to talk about them. My goal is to be stable.

But then again, I do tend to freak out about these things way more than they are worth freaking out for. For example, I was dreading having a conversation with my dad the other day. But when he brought up the fact that we hadn't talked since xmas, and wondered if anything was wrong, I knew I had a choice to make. I could pretend everything was fine and go on repressed as usual, or I could say that something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was but I knew it was related to some resentment, and other growing pains. Thankfully, I did the latter, and the conversation was fine. I didn't get excited or scared. I stayed somewhat removed and calm and I left the conversation feeling a little bit lighter.

My mom always told me that when it came to my dad, I should let him wear these feelings I'm feeling, because all they do is weigh me down for nothing.

To end on a bright note, as I was leaving gchat P said to me: 'sweetest of dreams to the sweetest girl, who happens to be so sweet to me'. He's the sweetest. He's the best kind of sweeteness.