Us, looking for yogurt.
He:
Aww.. I don't want this stuff. I wanted Rasberry. (Disapointed)
She (looking around in the open-top refrigerator):
What about that one?
(Points to Fruits de Champs)
He (grabs the yogurt enthusiastically and drops it in the cart):
Ah! I love you!
She:
(Silent)
He:
uhh... I meant the yogurt.
------------------------- o --------------------------
(Disclaimer: this is a long one, and as the title suggests, it's full of snuggly details, not for the faint of heart)
For the past two-three weeks I've been having a love dilemna, that is, how and when to say 'ILY' to P. I've felt it for a long time. I believe I felt something even before we met, I believe I remembered him for a reason. He said something along the ILY lines a number of weeks ago, and said the real thing a few weeks ago. I didn't reply in the moment, because I didn't want to use such a statement frivolously.
Let me begin by saying that I feel slightly conventional when saying ILY and meeting the family mean something, but for some reason, because it's with P, it doesn't feel conventional, it just feels like I feel. I did feel nervous meeting his family because I was a little caught off guard, I didn't expect it so soon, I didn't expect him to be so open, etc. Same goes for the declaration. I don't know why but I didn't expect him to be the way he is. So I am always surprised. It's a strange and wonderful feeling.
Back to the issue at hand. I didn't want to make my declaration during a physically intimate moment; I wanted the commingling of feeling and rational to be free from hormonal influence. So at some point when I had his face in my hands, I said: "P", he said "yeah", I said: "Je t'aime", (killer 2 seconds of silence), he said: "j't'aime aussi".
A few weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with Agns about whether to say it in english or in french. She said something along the lines of whichever language I expressed it in it would indicate which language really carried the weight of the words and the feeling. (This is a paraphrase, only because I couldn't find the gchat in which we discussed it, but this is the feeling I got). So then I thought, 'Okay, I'll say it in english (it's easier somehow) Then I thought.. Adl.. you can't take the easy way out on this one.' So I decided I would say it in french. He said it in french, so, I think french is weight-y for us.
Now I am feeling the weight. I said it. He said it. I think it's supposed to feel a little awkward and uncomfortable. And that it did. I don't really feel like throwing the word around, but I guess that's what happens when you reach a certain level of comfort as a couple.
Something strange happenned to me in the last few months. I don't think I wrote about it, because it was so strange. I was at school, or at work, not thinking about anything, not love, not friends, not anything. Then I thought of Vnss and about how we say we love each other often. Then I thought how those words weren't enough with her. They had lost their meaning somehow. It wasn't bad. I later spoke to her about it. But it was the first time I felt the words not carry the weight of their meaning.
I now think a lot about the 'us' now. We cooked together (like really together the other day), and I saw some parts in me that can be a little nervous (what size to cut the vegetables), a little insistant (I firmly believe in covering the rice, and leaving it covered) and a little 'telling' rather than 'suggesting'. A few seconds after the fact, I would realize this. I know it's not a big deal but it's not true to how I feel. So I want to stop doing such things. Furthermore, P has such confidence in me that he rarely tells me how to do something, or implies I'm doing something incorrectly.
It's funny, I was reading my Vanity Fair the other night. There's a 'My Desk' page that usually features some famous person's desk with captions talking about the objects on the desk. Last month was Peter Jackson. I thought of P when I saw it, because he had been reading about Jackson when we started dating. P's always reading about film. Taking books from the library. It's quite awesome. Anyway, I thought I would cut it out and give it to him. I forgot, but when he was here this weekend, I remembered. I showed him and he got super excited. I cut it out for him and he put it in a folder.
Spending friday night, saturday all day, and sunday morning together was the most time we have spent together so far. It was awesome.
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