That's how I feel. I don't want to get all mushy, but, considering how long it took me to get here, I think it deserves a little recognition. I remember feeling like this would never happen, I was prepping myself for a long, lonely life. I settled with the idea of never getting over the past, always holding a grudge which would ultimately only hold me back. But man, this whole 'living in the present' thing was a good starting point for being happy.
Things with P are going really well. I met approx. 20 members of his family the other day (after arriving from Cuba and not having slept in 40 some hours). His family is amazing. His parents are amazing. His sister is amazing. He is amazing. It's all amazing. We had brunch, we played billiards (yes -- billiards, and his mom said I was good), I was awkward a little bit, but he was awesome. He introduced me as his 'blonde' to someone, I thought that was cute. I've never been called someone's blonde.
On Thursday, I went over to his house after work and he talked about his family. He grew up in what seems to be a pretty perfect family (supportive, creative, intelligent parents, good friends from good families, etc). I didn't talk about my family. I'm not sure why, I think I might be a little embarrassed. I mean, when we watched Cassavestes' Woman Under the Influence the other day in class, I kept thinking 'this feels familiar'. Today, when I think about my family, I think about my mom. Her as my whole family (but then also friends I consider like family). I hesitate to talk about my family because I don't know where to start. Do I start from the beginning, or do I start from the point when my mom and I started having a real relationship?
It makes me uncomfortable even thinking about talking about my childhood. I'm not sure how to deal with that.
...
I've been thinking a lot about what sort of couple P and I are/will be. Being with him has made me see how much I've grown up since my past relationships. I feel so calm and safe. It's amazing how little needs to be said. I feel the opposite of scared, which is a really nice place to be.
His friends are planning a month long roadtrip around the states this summer. Right now, I'm feeling like I need to be responsible and stay in the city and work until my contract ends in July, but in my head I'm still making mini itineraries. It's a nice idea to entertain. Either way, I would like to do something like that with him this summer, even if it's just going to the Maritimes.
Cuba gave me this idea about spending a month or so in the middle of nowhere, totally disconnected from reality, thinking and clearing my brain. Since I got back I've felt the weight of the city. I need to get that off so that I can do good in my final year, and feel ready for graduate school.
This morning I had breakfast with Vnss and Lv. I've been having such wonderful breakfasts since getting back. I feel so happy and lucky to have all these great people around me. I remember last year, I felt like things couldn't possibly get better. In some ways, this year has shot the ball out of the park (though, if certain peeps were here instead of elsewhere (IL, GA, NJ, NB, ON, etc) it would likely be awesome overload).
Maybe maybe maybe...
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