The Confession

(Disclaimer: please leave all better judgements or ill feelings at the door when you read this. The effect will only come through if you read it from my point of view: irrationally, pathetically in love against all my better judgements. Also, some of the stuff in parenthesis are my thoughts, or paraphrases of what was said.. I hope it's not confusing).

I'll write this like a screenplay.. I think it'll be easier to cram everything in.

I'm coming back from swimming. It's around 10pm. I made plans with Sm to go have a coffee. He suggested I invite V, but thought it might be better not to. Post-swim, feeling good, having listened to enough The Strokes to feel like I can handle rejection, I decide to walk over to V's house to see if his bike's there (yes means invite, no means forget it). Checking my phone on the way I see he called. I call him back.

A: hey, did you call me?
V: Yeah, it was about (random campaign stuff for a minute or so)
A: where are you?
V: home, why? where are you?
A:... uhh like two minutes from your house (lie: i was practically in front of his house), come outside
V: are you outside my house?
A: come outside, bye.

I sit on the steps, waits about 25 seconds. Door-handle jiggles, V comes out with kitty in hand. He seems like he wants me to go inside, but i stay on the steps.

V: hey, what's up?
A: ohhh.. the kitty! gimme the kitty! (I go on about the kitty for a minute)
V: what brings you here?

I avoid the question.

Seconds later, some guy pulls up on his bike. I'm thinking, 'jesus, he's going out with a friend i've never seen before.. fucking bad timing! jesus! what the hell.. ok just be nice, like you don't care'. They talk about Daniel Lanois, and how the guy's bass is bugging V. I put the pieces together -- the guy lives upstairs. Ok. I get up to get out of his way. The guy goes in. We're outside now standing up. He says something unrelated, I can't remember what (something about the kitty i think). Then:

A: There is a reason I came here.
V: yeah? what? are you ok?

pause. I'm thinking 'do i look him in the eyes when i tell him this? oh jeez.. '

A: yeah everything's ok. (at this point i'm almost whispering) i had something to say but it's... slipping..
V: what about?
A: well.. (i'm looking away)... this.. me liking you... which is...
V: irrational..
A: problematic..
V: yeah, i don't understand that, i've never done anything.. i'm mean
A: i know neither do I. you're not mean..
V: why is it problematic?
A:... because... I don't know.. I don't know what to do with this, I don't know what it means, if it changes things, i don't know.
V: I wish I could help you...
A:...
V: but i can't...
A: I know.. and I've tried to shake it off, but I can't
V: you tried?
A: yeah... remember when you asked me if I was ever mad at you? and i said there was a time I didn't want to see you.. well it was then. I was a little mad, but..
-- then we joked about the sock thing, we laughed --

Things are said, I can't remember exactly.. Things like:

V: I think you're a wonderful person (...) I was just talking about this with my brother today. I say he's weak, (for being so in love with someone whose not exactly on the same 'commitment page), but really, i'm just jealous of him for being able to feel the way he does. (...)
A: clearly you've never been in this position... it sucks.
V: No, I think it's beautiful.. the hurt and everything..
A: again.. you've never been here. it sucks.
V: I wish I could let myself get in those vibes, but right now I can't.. I'm stressed, for the first time in my life.. (stuff about school, the futur, etc)
A: I know that. I knew it's what you would say. I know.

Although I feel my tears in my throat, and i'm pausing a lot before I speak.. I'm laughing too.

V: You're someone I actually could have really liked... maybe I shouldn't say that..
A: maybe you shouldn't...
V: At the beginning of summer, I was getting more relaxed, and (feeling like I could those feelings) but when I went to the conferences..
A: Yeah.. I knew if you went to the conferences it would be over... it wouldn't happen. But I knew you had to go... If it's who you are, it's who you are..
V: It's not who I am.. I was never like this before, and I won't be later..
A: But there's always something..
V: (No.. ) It's just now...

He goes on to say how he can't start something because he doesn't do things half way. I say I know. He says something like : "besides, I don't think you realize.. when i'm in something like that, it's almost depedant-affectif" he laughs. I laugh ( but want to cry.. because that's what I had hoped..)

(...)

A: I guess I'm saying it more for me than you... it's up to me now.
V: what do you mean? are we not going to see each other anymore? I mean.. I like seeing you
A: well.. (shrug my shoulders).. i don't know.. i'm the one who knows what i can tolerate.
V: is being with me that bad?
A: no, it's good.. that's why it's bad... I don't know.. it hurts.

(...)

A: This is Act 2
V: A ktoo?
A: Act 2. Something happens, and then things change. Act 2.
V:.. well.. how many acts are there?
A: (shrug shoulders)..
V: I hope things don't change too much, it's nice how they are.
A: well.. it's not about changing the friendship, but it's difficult when one feels more for the other. Something needs to change.. I guess it's up to me.
V:(It shouldn't only be up to you)

(...)

He said "the first time i heard about you was from Agns. She told me you had this guy, who had been an asshole to you. I said 'let me meet her', Agns said 'i don't think that's a good idea'... But I insisted, every time I saw her I said: 'let me meet her, let me meet her'. She kept saying "no, you're going to be mean to her, or break her heart." I lift my shoulders and my hand gesturing 'well wasn't she right'...

(...)

We talk about Jq a little bit. I say something about how he was my first boyfriend, relationship, etc. but that he's now like a brother. Then he says:

V: well.. maybe I can become a brother.
A: oh no! I have ENOUGH brothers. I don't neeed any more brothers.
V: Oh, it's an acadian thing.. (he jokes)

(...)

I say 'that's it.' He says 'I'm glad you came by'.. We see the kitty, talk about the kitty, he jokes about how now he's going to tease me for liking him (i thought it was funny, because it's true -- there are few ways to deal with this situation but to make it silly.. I was somewhat comforted by this for some reason). He offered me a pear. We ate pears, talked about the next day's plan (for the campaign) and parted ways. The tone was generally light.

It's not light enough yet. I have to see him tomorrow at 8.30am.

I should be in bed before my red, tired eyes give me away tomorrow morning.

Reflections and analysis will come tomorrow. In the meantime I can only be comforted by Elton John... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_u6l7EsQMc&feature=related

fuck.