I wish I could make a flow chart to illustrate how i felt this weekend. Originally, the plan was to celebrate P's roomie's birthday with all the old friends from Aylmer. Everything seemed to be happening that particular night, because I found out that I had an old friend passing through town for one night only on that night.
Earlier in the week I asked P if I should bake something. He said, 'oh well, one of the other guys' girlfriend is baking something' I reply 'oh, okay.. well, I guess I don't really have time to do it anyway' to which he answers, 'well, you know she's doing her MA, so she's probably super busy too'. And there the seeds of jealousy and competition were sewn. I should say that this also relates to another time last summer when P went to this couple's place in Sherbrooke and came back from his weekend raving about them. Boasting them as superb hosts and a lovely couple. Somehow this boasting translated itself in my mind as 'he is idealizing them and thinking they are so awesome -- are we not awesome?!' (ie. craziness). I stuffed this down into the deep dark corners of myself, and proceeded to want to dazzle everyone with MY cupcakes. I spent 30$ and 2 hours making them, and I arrived at the party thinking I had my bases covered.
I arrived late, so I assumed everyone had eaten supper and dessert, so I said 'if anybody feels like more sugar, I brought some cupcakes'. As P greets me and we go into the kitchen he says, 'well Mdln already brought cupcakes. So we'll eat hers first. Besides, she made them especially for Antn.' To which I reply, 'and who did I make mine for?' Let's just say we got off on the wrong foot. The rest of the night I spent quiet and somewhat bored, because I felt totally excluded from this old-friends bonding thing. I saw P trying to connect with me, touching my hair, hands, shoulders, but I sensed an awkwardness in him. He was clearly concerned about being a good host, which I felt was at the cost of being concerned for my comfort (somewhat selfish.. I know). I also felt threatened by a new girlfriend. One we were all meeting for the first time. I felt jealous that she was mixing better with this group she just met, than I had been for the past year. At the end of the night(after having been able to get but one sentence out of my mouth), we chatted about the girl once she and her man had left. One person commented on how she 'got it', she understood their humor. I couldn't help but think 'whoa.. I don't get it, I don't get it at all!' so where does that leave me?
At the end of the night I was trying to be pleased, since P was really excited that this was the most fun party he'd ever thrown. I felt jealous and distant. The next morning I left early to go have breakfast with my friends before they left town. Needless to say I was pretty cranky.
So, it started with jealousy and competition, which only brought out my insecurities, which were not helped by P's comments, which turned into feeling taken for granted, which turned into a bit of anger and sadness, and fear of having to bring the issue up.
After my workday on Sunday I set up a meeting with the person was geographically the closest to me, because I had to talk about this. I met with Arl right after and we spent almost two hours analysing the situation. We did a lot of work in those two hours, and it is all mixed up in my head now, but basically, he encouraged me to talk about it with P.
I told him I called P earlier to make plans to see a movie that night. When on the phone with P he answered 'mmm... .. okay' with hesitation. In my mind, I understood this as something negative :'he always has energy for his friends or his work! what about me?!' but then, Arl told me he was supposed to have a business-creative meeting with P that day and P asked to postpone because he was too tired. So, the point being, my interpretation was totally false, and in fact, P was agreeing to see me when he cancelled on a work meeting. Sweet! Not selfish!
We went to the movie and after it I started crying. Things came out slowly. We discussed it. He made some points I could agree with. All in all, I saw that he was sorry, he told me he felt awkward, he wanted to make sure I was okay as we parted (he offered to join me at my house, but I told him he didn't have to, since he was right next to his house), and he made plans for tomorrow.
I sent him an email trying to explain this jealousy-insecurity thing, and he sent me a sweet and comforting email back. I think the whole experience makes me a little bit stronger, and makes my faith in our relationship grow stronger. I feel less and less insecure in the me-and-him, but I've still got my me issues to deal with.
In other news, I'm handing in my last film studies paper tomorrow. Meeting a friend for perhaps the last time.
Things are okay in general. I feel excited about summer projects, and, I want this kitchen.
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