Today I learned that I am not invited to the cinema school's awards ceremony. This is were students are given awards (in the form of titles and money) for all their work during the year. I'd been invited the two previous years, so I thought it would be a safe bet that I would get invited this year too. I guess I got too sure of myself.
This disappoints me, because this year particularly, I tried very hard to participate in class, share my thoughts, engage with other students, and make things happen. I decided I would be true to myself and my ideas.
I suppose the wise thing to say is: "the reward is in being true to yourself, not in the recognition you get for it", but somehow this feels insufficient at this moment. It has done the reverse: sewn the seed of doubt in myself. "If I can't get awards at this school, after all this time and effort, how will I do it at grad school?" This was not enough. You are not enough.
Fuck film school.
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