Lots of thing have been happening in the last weeks. Lots of ice cream, hanging out with friends, Xavier Dolan's new film, parents arriving, graduating, having fits, laughing them off, working, not working, taking driving courses and reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book.
I've been coping with all these things relatively well. One strange thing that happened after my graduation supper is me having a total fit on the corner of Prince-Arthur and St-Urbain. It was me going from zero to 500 in a fraction of a second. It was a moment that has probably been building up for years. Me, walking with my mom and P, making a comment on how bratty my half-brother had been during the post-graduation family supper, them responding with 'but he's only twelve' and my reaction exploding out of nowhere. I threw the roses I had received on the ground and yelled 'I hate this kid!' storming of on St-Urbain and not looking behind, but not before I ripped my arm away from P who was trying to calm me down. I wondered if he would come running for me during a split second, but it's better that he didn't. My mom might've gotten lost, and I would have channelled my physical reaction onto him.
Like I said, this didn't happen from one isolated moment and honestly it's too long and complicated to explain here, but to summarize, it's largely about the lack of respect that this spoiled kid shows towards his parents, and the fact that he takes them so much for granted even though he's so lucky to have them both around. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but a few friends have remarked that this anger is probably a transference of anger that I have towards my parents, and not actually anger towards my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that hypothesis.. since I feel very aware of my emotions towards my dad, and they never manifest themselves so violently.
Either way, I got home. My mom was there. I didn't see P's shoes so I thought for a second maybe he left instead of staying over that night. He had gone to try to find me. I called him, he came back. I hashed out some ideas with my mom and by the time he got back I was feeling better. He made me talk about it a little, but eventually just made me giggle. All in all, i'm somewhat glad the outburst happened.. though I wish it would've happened at another time. Now i'm intrigued by this side of me i've never seen before.
My mom was lovely and awesome to be around, and it was nice to have everybody come together around a happy occasion. It feels fun to have graduated. To be done with that chapter of life. I have a feeling of endless possibility right now, which is nice.
I feel like letting out a big 'ahhhhh'.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Filmmaker and the Librarian Kiss
The other night after my mom told me about her July operation we chatted for a bit and then hung up. Not 10 minutes later, P calls. I'm busy researching the abnormal cells and as soon as he asks me how I am, I fall silent. Holding back gulps, I tell him the news. He consoles me and says he'll be there later. He calls after work and shows up around 1am. He lightens the mood by talking about our mutual friend who recently got a girlfriend (a first it seems). He mentions something about his 'list'. The new girl isn't quite bilingual, he says, and that was one of the things on his list. I ask him what else is on it, he says: bilingual, sporty, and silly. It seems I fit the profile. We talk and giggle about it some more and then it hits me: oh my god, we're talking, really talking, he's being open, honest and lovely. We talk about love more than we ever have before. He says for him, love is something you have inside of you. It's yours. Your love doesn't necessarily die when a relationship ends because it's yours. Obviously, if a relationship does end, there's a point when you have to move on, and you can because you still have your love, it's not shattered and you're not shattered by this person's absence. This is an interesting theory, and I kind of like it. It sort of flows with the Buddhist stuff I've been reading.
Everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship is now here, right in front of me. Patience. Wow -- it creates miracles. Letting this happen, I like this.
We spend the next day together - have breakfast at Le Zigoto, walk around looking for garage sales (unsuccessfully), then go home hang out and split for our separate social engagements.
We come back together that night after my dinner/movie and his wrap party. We talk some more, about my lack of tact (my words, not his) and he consoles me some more. It's not the first time he's been there for me, he was really there for me when my grandmother passed away, but it's the first time I felt him really there in the moment as it was happening. It's an incredible feeling.
Our other mutual friend Arl is leaving at the beginning of August. He's moving to Mexico to launch his career. His departure is earlier than we thought.. so their plans to make a film together are going to be put aside, and his absence is something i'll have to get used to sooner than later. He invited us to go visit him when he gets to Mexico. P asks 'you want to go to Mexico someday?' pausing, like he's asking a real question and waiting for a real answer, and I answer 'yeah, of course'. Looking into the future (with someone). Pretty nice.
Everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship is now here, right in front of me. Patience. Wow -- it creates miracles. Letting this happen, I like this.
We spend the next day together - have breakfast at Le Zigoto, walk around looking for garage sales (unsuccessfully), then go home hang out and split for our separate social engagements.
We come back together that night after my dinner/movie and his wrap party. We talk some more, about my lack of tact (my words, not his) and he consoles me some more. It's not the first time he's been there for me, he was really there for me when my grandmother passed away, but it's the first time I felt him really there in the moment as it was happening. It's an incredible feeling.
Our other mutual friend Arl is leaving at the beginning of August. He's moving to Mexico to launch his career. His departure is earlier than we thought.. so their plans to make a film together are going to be put aside, and his absence is something i'll have to get used to sooner than later. He invited us to go visit him when he gets to Mexico. P asks 'you want to go to Mexico someday?' pausing, like he's asking a real question and waiting for a real answer, and I answer 'yeah, of course'. Looking into the future (with someone). Pretty nice.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
New Mantra
"You already are everything you could possibly want to be. You already have everything you could possibly want."
My mom told me she's having some pre-cancerous cells removed in July. This hurts to the core of my being, but she's in good spirits, so I will be too.
Be supportive.
My mom told me she's having some pre-cancerous cells removed in July. This hurts to the core of my being, but she's in good spirits, so I will be too.
Be supportive.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Don't Give Drugs to a Pregnant Woman
Apparently, the use of some drug called Pitocin is extremely common. When mama's contractions (which are normally dictated by the natural hormones of the body) are not "fast" enough for the hospital, they pump this drug through her IV to get things rolling. This causes longer and more intense contractions; very painful. Oh, pain? You don't want to feel that, let's stick a needle in your spine to make everything better. This Epidural slows down labor, so of course, more Pitocin is needed and the contractions brought on by this dose is not felt, because the Epidural has got you so strung out you don't feel anything. All these drugs and amplified contractions can cause problems for your baby, so it has nothing more to do but than to go into distress, ultimately leading to a cesarean.
If hospitals weren't on a schedule, if the medical system wasn't a business. This would not happen.
Tampering with a woman's natural hormones has critical results. The natural release of oxytocin can't happen. The love-high people describe, the one that makes everything worthwhile, the one that bonds the mother and the baby doesn't happen. As one doctor put it: the mother doesn't have the same kind of love for her child, the same level of interest. The way the world is going, can we survive without love?
I just watched an incredibly moving documentary called "The Business of Being Born". After seeing this, and hearing the experiences of women who come to Bummis, I would never want to give birth in a hospital. Watching women have painful, but also somehow serene home births brought me to tears.
The lack of information that is out there is appalling. Absolutely appalling. Considering all the women giving birth everyday, I'm shocked at what kind of hospital procedures are the norm. Of course, sometimes they are necessary, but I think the rate of unecessary interventions should be seriously considered problematic.
More and more i'm becoming interested in the stories of women, less and less about their stories in relation to the men in their life (not completly of course!). I'm becoming fascinated with how they experience the world, how they feel the world, how they think the world.
Why does society hinder our ability to trust our bodies, and to have others trust our bodies? Why should doubt always be pointed in our direction?
I don't understand why people aren't allowed to feel that they already are everything they want to be: able to give life, able to feel love, able to nurture and more.
If hospitals weren't on a schedule, if the medical system wasn't a business. This would not happen.
Tampering with a woman's natural hormones has critical results. The natural release of oxytocin can't happen. The love-high people describe, the one that makes everything worthwhile, the one that bonds the mother and the baby doesn't happen. As one doctor put it: the mother doesn't have the same kind of love for her child, the same level of interest. The way the world is going, can we survive without love?
I just watched an incredibly moving documentary called "The Business of Being Born". After seeing this, and hearing the experiences of women who come to Bummis, I would never want to give birth in a hospital. Watching women have painful, but also somehow serene home births brought me to tears.
The lack of information that is out there is appalling. Absolutely appalling. Considering all the women giving birth everyday, I'm shocked at what kind of hospital procedures are the norm. Of course, sometimes they are necessary, but I think the rate of unecessary interventions should be seriously considered problematic.
More and more i'm becoming interested in the stories of women, less and less about their stories in relation to the men in their life (not completly of course!). I'm becoming fascinated with how they experience the world, how they feel the world, how they think the world.
Why does society hinder our ability to trust our bodies, and to have others trust our bodies? Why should doubt always be pointed in our direction?
I don't understand why people aren't allowed to feel that they already are everything they want to be: able to give life, able to feel love, able to nurture and more.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Happy Birthdays
Wow. Something amazing has happened and I feel proud.
Last night we celebrated P's birthday with a BBQ and some friends at his place. I was responsible for bringing meat and making desert, so I brought Beef/Bison meat for burgers (delicious!) and made a chocolate loaf with a scoop of ice cream and a raspberry coulis for desert. The whole night was great. We blew huge balloons, I made him a pennant, the house felt festive and the vibe was light between everybody. Everything was great until the moment I started handing the prepared desert plates to everybody. P said something about the desert without thinking (he had had several drinks by that point) that I found very hurtful . It wasn't shouted across the room or anything, just loud enough that my ears picked it up and sent me from zero to one hundred on the angry-o-meter. I stuck a candle on his cake, lit it, and plopped his plate in front of him before bolting to the bathroom.
I got in there and I was fuming. I had to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes just to calm down. I felt like he just crapped on all the effort i put into the desert, the concept of the desert, the presentation and everything. I told myself to calm down and not ruin the party for everyone else. So I went back to the group, but I was cold towards P for a good while after that. We went into the living room and talked and played a game. Finally, with enough laughter my anger subsided.
I soon felt snugly and affectionate towards him. Rustling his hair as I passed by, stopping to give him kisses.
After the party when we were cleaning up the kitchen he asked me if I had fun, I replied 'yes... all the time, except the moment when you made me really really mad.' He stopped and looked at em while I explained that his comment really felt like he didn't appreciate what I did. He apologized and apologized and apologized.
What I like about this situation and what I find amazing is that I told him straight away what bothered me, and I didn't sugar coat it. Normally, I would have said things evasively, but this time I was even somewhat crude: 'I felt like you shit all over my effort!' I said. He got the point. I also really like that I didn't cry. Usually I would think about this, sit with it, analyse it, and get myself all worked up, resulting in a tearful confession. I said what I had to say, we talked, and I didn't feel the weight of my anger anymore. It was great to go through all those feelings and emotions and leave them behind.
I do understand though, that this question of sometimes feeling taken for granted is recurring recently. Don't get me wrong. P is always affectionnate, doing sweet things for me, sending me sweet emails, and being patient and caring. There is lots and lots of good. I just see a trend when it comes to social gatherings. Possibly because he feels out of his comfort zone.. who knows.
Lots of balloons!
Currently I'm obsessed with caribbean, calypso and any song with 'coconut' in it. Summer is here!
I got in there and I was fuming. I had to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes just to calm down. I felt like he just crapped on all the effort i put into the desert, the concept of the desert, the presentation and everything. I told myself to calm down and not ruin the party for everyone else. So I went back to the group, but I was cold towards P for a good while after that. We went into the living room and talked and played a game. Finally, with enough laughter my anger subsided.
I soon felt snugly and affectionate towards him. Rustling his hair as I passed by, stopping to give him kisses.
After the party when we were cleaning up the kitchen he asked me if I had fun, I replied 'yes... all the time, except the moment when you made me really really mad.' He stopped and looked at em while I explained that his comment really felt like he didn't appreciate what I did. He apologized and apologized and apologized.
What I like about this situation and what I find amazing is that I told him straight away what bothered me, and I didn't sugar coat it. Normally, I would have said things evasively, but this time I was even somewhat crude: 'I felt like you shit all over my effort!' I said. He got the point. I also really like that I didn't cry. Usually I would think about this, sit with it, analyse it, and get myself all worked up, resulting in a tearful confession. I said what I had to say, we talked, and I didn't feel the weight of my anger anymore. It was great to go through all those feelings and emotions and leave them behind.
I do understand though, that this question of sometimes feeling taken for granted is recurring recently. Don't get me wrong. P is always affectionnate, doing sweet things for me, sending me sweet emails, and being patient and caring. There is lots and lots of good. I just see a trend when it comes to social gatherings. Possibly because he feels out of his comfort zone.. who knows.
Lots of balloons!
Currently I'm obsessed with caribbean, calypso and any song with 'coconut' in it. Summer is here!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Everything is Great!
How can that be? I'm not sure, but something in me feels really balanced.
As I typed this, I've just had a conversation with P that made me want to cry.
I told him randomly in a chat that I felt really balanced and that I want to try expressing when I feel balanced as much as when I feel confused. He responded positively. Then I asked him how he's feeling these days -- something I would have done with great hesitation and anxiety, if at all, in the times I felt less balanced vis-a-vis our relationship. He responded 'happy. toi?' and I responded by saying I feel like this:
and he responded with this:
he sent the image instantly, which leads me to believe he saved it somewhere, because he knows i like cute fox pictures.
Okay, okay, can the sentimentalism.
Things are great lately. Probably partly because I've been eating really well, sleeping well, working a lot -- ie. less money worries, making it a point to go outside, taking walks with P instead of sitting around. I've noticed walks are a great way to have a conversation. We chat during our walks, about things we might otherwise not discuss. Probably because walking just created the opportunity. I really like it.
I think I've been eating slightly less sugar (she says with two packages of Pepperidge Farms cookies on her bed), but I'm working on eating more veggies and fruit. It's easy to eat healthy when I make it a point to go to Jean-Talon. Going there makes me want to be so healthy.
In other news, I resolved my jealousy issue. I talked with my mom, she made me realise it was okay to feel what I was feeling, that I just had to go through it, and I did. I even went as far as talking to the person I was jealous of. I spilled my whole beans and left the conversation feeling much better about it; feeling like I had grown up, actually.
I feel sad Vnss is leaving, but I also feel happy that she's embarking on a new part of her life. Hanging around with her these last few weeks made me realise how much I miss her. All we did before was hang out like that : downtown, involving food, often films, and always walking. But Ottawa isn't far, so it'll be alright.
Right now, nothing much is bothering me, and that's a really good feeling. I feel really happy. C'est pas plus compliqué que ça!
As I typed this, I've just had a conversation with P that made me want to cry.
I told him randomly in a chat that I felt really balanced and that I want to try expressing when I feel balanced as much as when I feel confused. He responded positively. Then I asked him how he's feeling these days -- something I would have done with great hesitation and anxiety, if at all, in the times I felt less balanced vis-a-vis our relationship. He responded 'happy. toi?' and I responded by saying I feel like this:
and he responded with this:
he sent the image instantly, which leads me to believe he saved it somewhere, because he knows i like cute fox pictures.
Okay, okay, can the sentimentalism.
Things are great lately. Probably partly because I've been eating really well, sleeping well, working a lot -- ie. less money worries, making it a point to go outside, taking walks with P instead of sitting around. I've noticed walks are a great way to have a conversation. We chat during our walks, about things we might otherwise not discuss. Probably because walking just created the opportunity. I really like it.
I think I've been eating slightly less sugar (she says with two packages of Pepperidge Farms cookies on her bed), but I'm working on eating more veggies and fruit. It's easy to eat healthy when I make it a point to go to Jean-Talon. Going there makes me want to be so healthy.
In other news, I resolved my jealousy issue. I talked with my mom, she made me realise it was okay to feel what I was feeling, that I just had to go through it, and I did. I even went as far as talking to the person I was jealous of. I spilled my whole beans and left the conversation feeling much better about it; feeling like I had grown up, actually.
I feel sad Vnss is leaving, but I also feel happy that she's embarking on a new part of her life. Hanging around with her these last few weeks made me realise how much I miss her. All we did before was hang out like that : downtown, involving food, often films, and always walking. But Ottawa isn't far, so it'll be alright.
Right now, nothing much is bothering me, and that's a really good feeling. I feel really happy. C'est pas plus compliqué que ça!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Short Love Quotes
Something inside me is good. Calm.
Maybe it's my refocus on home-cooking, a few new articles of clothing, a new perspective? Either way, I've been feeling really good lately.
In an unrelated topic, P was telling me about his friend Smn last night. Smn and his recent but significant girlfriend have been having the usual long-distance relationship troubles. It's too bad it's happening so soon, they've only been together since the Olympics (where they sort of met). My instant reaction was 'P you got to tell them to chill out!' which is funny, because it's a very mellow reaction, especially for me. But we kept talking about it and P said 'I told him that the reason it works so well between us is because we're just relax about everything. We have our own lives, we do what we want, we see each other when we want, we call each other when we want and that's that' (or something along these lines) and what's interesting is that I agreed with him. These days, along with feelings of wanting to marry him, are thoughts that everything is great between us, and the pressure is off.
I like feeling this calm certainty. Or maybe it's not certainty, but it's being okay with the unknown. I feel really present these days.
And besides that, I'm really becoming obsessed with chairs these days... this one makes me swoon.
and this one
Friday, May 14, 2010
A few hours later...
a few things made me feel better:
1. mom
1 b. her fabulous advice
2. this cuteness
3. this reminder blog
4. eating Jamie Oliver's broccoli tagliatelle (a simpler version)
1. mom
1 b. her fabulous advice
2. this cuteness
3. this reminder blog
4. eating Jamie Oliver's broccoli tagliatelle (a simpler version)
Jealous of Grace
I feel like i'm revisiting previous themes in this post. I've been feeling verrry out of sorts these last few days. Part of that is due to my bike having a flat, me trying to fix it to no avail (rusted wheel!) and needing to spend money to get it fixed. Being unable to fix it frustrates me, and not having a bike to get around with makes me feel weird and lost.
Another part of this is the resurgence of my jealousy, something I'm not proud of at all and ultimately only eats away at me inside. I know it's somehow related to my insecurity, but I have no idea how to begin tackling this beast.
I'm jealous of some people around me. I'm jealous of people who get recognition for things they do (or that they did with me). I'm disappointed that nothing I did this year got recognition.
I'm beating myself up even more for feeling all these things, which I shouldn't.. but somehow I can't help it.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Another part of this is the resurgence of my jealousy, something I'm not proud of at all and ultimately only eats away at me inside. I know it's somehow related to my insecurity, but I have no idea how to begin tackling this beast.
I'm jealous of some people around me. I'm jealous of people who get recognition for things they do (or that they did with me). I'm disappointed that nothing I did this year got recognition.
I'm beating myself up even more for feeling all these things, which I shouldn't.. but somehow I can't help it.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Crazy Thoughts
I have to write these down to get them out of my head!
I've been having these scenarios in my mind, what P and I's life would be like if we spent it together. About wanting to get married. About having kids. I feel really happy when I think about this stuff. I also imagine little (big) things like 'oh maybe P is so nice and patient when I'm having my random existential crises because he wants to be with me forever too!' All my design blogs aren't helping either... all they make me want to do it settle down.
Weird and crazy thoughts. They scare me a little. They are evidence of how invested I'm willing to be in this thing.. I wonder until what point..
I'm also very much aware of the fact that sometimes people break up after years of being together.. and that that could happen to us. But I hope it doesn't.
I've been having these scenarios in my mind, what P and I's life would be like if we spent it together. About wanting to get married. About having kids. I feel really happy when I think about this stuff. I also imagine little (big) things like 'oh maybe P is so nice and patient when I'm having my random existential crises because he wants to be with me forever too!' All my design blogs aren't helping either... all they make me want to do it settle down.
Weird and crazy thoughts. They scare me a little. They are evidence of how invested I'm willing to be in this thing.. I wonder until what point..
I'm also very much aware of the fact that sometimes people break up after years of being together.. and that that could happen to us. But I hope it doesn't.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So Many Possibilities!
I'm excited! I'm geeky! I love it!
I'm super pumped to be doing this journal for Vnss's work. I watched Indesign tutorials today! It was great!
Weeeee!
I'm super pumped to be doing this journal for Vnss's work. I watched Indesign tutorials today! It was great!
Weeeee!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Montreal Toronto and Back
I've spent the last few days thinking about this toronto-montreal question. The fact that I felt so urgently that I needed to find a way to get to toronto made me begin rethinking that urgency. I found myself thinking 'But if I stay in Montreal, it'll be two more years of this?!' That thought scared me, and made me feel like an asshole. Two more years of what? Awesome friends? Awesome boyfriend? Nice apartment? Reasonable rent? Good job? Good food? Familiarity? What was going on inside my head that made me sweep all that under the 'Toronto Rules' rug?!
Talking to everyone has made me know and feel all the great things I have around me. I don't feel desperate. The desperation I had related to the program has also dissipated. I check course by course what Toronto had vs. what McGill has, and come to find out, they are worded differently, but they are quite similar. I'm still worried that somehow I will miss opportunities by not going to Toronto (job-wise, or connection-wise), but I also think that it's important for me to consider where I want to live and make my life. I'm pretty sure it's not Toronto. Besides, I was thinking it could be cool to go there for a class or two, a workshop or two at some point in the next two years. I could create a link that way.
Another major factor influencing my decision is the fact that by saving all this money, I can have the flexibility to travel a little bit, save money to pay my debt, but more importantly, this money would alleviate some of the urgency I could feel after I graduate. The urgency to take a job, any job, to make my payments could trap me in something bad.
I do have a fear that staying here somehow means stagnating, but i'm not sure that's a fear I should indulge in.
I'm still on the fence. (Feedback from the peanut gallery would be appreciated)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Not Really Sure
A lot has happened in the last few days. I went home saturday night until monday for my grandmother's funeral. The trip was lovely, under the circumstances. I feel like I learned a lot about life. I think now I understand why people are scared of love, because I saw how much it hurts to lose someone you've loved for 30 years.
My grandmother was quite ill towards the end, now I can imagine with more accuracy what it's like to see your parent die. I feel more calm about this situation than I expected, but most of my strong emotions are related to my dad, grampa, and uncles. They all seemed fine on the surface, telling funny anecdotes about the past, but once I hugged them (which I couldn't help but do), and held on for a little bit longer than them, I felt them melt completely. I could feel the tense emotion in their arms and backs and chests loosen. Those were some of the most overwhelming moments I've ever experienced. I think it resulted in a subtle reconnection between me and my family. Particularly in the case of my dad, I feel like most of my heavy baggage has been lifted. I feel it's okay that things are the way they are, because at least he's alive.
This situation has given me perspective on what really matters to me. The bursary I was complaining about not getting last week seems insignificant now.
I also just found out that I am not going to be receiving the Ontario Graduate Scholarship I was counting on to go to UofT. I'm not sad I didn't get the bursary, but I am very disappointed I won't be able to do that program. I'm not sure how much I feel like scrounging around looking for money I may or may not get... when it comes to money on this scale, it arouses nothing but the most acute stress. I'm not sure what to do yet, because I still see many good things about staying in Montreal. Being able to stay in the city where my friends and love are, that is not too far from my family in the east, staying in my pretty and affordable apartment with my roomies, paying next to nothing for school fees, being able to continue working at Bummis part-time, possibly taking courses in the design department at Concordia, developing my design things, and probably more things too. I think part of me wanted 'something different', 'and adventure' and maybe a little 'struggle' (because new things are always a struggle for me), but staying here would also give me a chance to do new things. Saving all this money would allow me to travel more, and sooner. I could always go to Toronto for work later.
My friend Arl told me I should stop playing this 'better-worse' 'first-choice/second-choice' game. Just accept Mcgill, be happy and make something out of it. In a way I think he's right, but when I look at the course selection at that school, it tosses everything in the air.
I'm not really sure how I feel about all this.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I suddenly feel like I'm doing something wrong
Today I learned that I am not invited to the cinema school's awards ceremony. This is were students are given awards (in the form of titles and money) for all their work during the year. I'd been invited the two previous years, so I thought it would be a safe bet that I would get invited this year too. I guess I got too sure of myself.
This disappoints me, because this year particularly, I tried very hard to participate in class, share my thoughts, engage with other students, and make things happen. I decided I would be true to myself and my ideas.
I suppose the wise thing to say is: "the reward is in being true to yourself, not in the recognition you get for it", but somehow this feels insufficient at this moment. It has done the reverse: sewn the seed of doubt in myself. "If I can't get awards at this school, after all this time and effort, how will I do it at grad school?" This was not enough. You are not enough.
Fuck film school.
This disappoints me, because this year particularly, I tried very hard to participate in class, share my thoughts, engage with other students, and make things happen. I decided I would be true to myself and my ideas.
I suppose the wise thing to say is: "the reward is in being true to yourself, not in the recognition you get for it", but somehow this feels insufficient at this moment. It has done the reverse: sewn the seed of doubt in myself. "If I can't get awards at this school, after all this time and effort, how will I do it at grad school?" This was not enough. You are not enough.
Fuck film school.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Petit Dilemme - Résolu
I wish I could make a flow chart to illustrate how i felt this weekend. Originally, the plan was to celebrate P's roomie's birthday with all the old friends from Aylmer. Everything seemed to be happening that particular night, because I found out that I had an old friend passing through town for one night only on that night.
Earlier in the week I asked P if I should bake something. He said, 'oh well, one of the other guys' girlfriend is baking something' I reply 'oh, okay.. well, I guess I don't really have time to do it anyway' to which he answers, 'well, you know she's doing her MA, so she's probably super busy too'. And there the seeds of jealousy and competition were sewn. I should say that this also relates to another time last summer when P went to this couple's place in Sherbrooke and came back from his weekend raving about them. Boasting them as superb hosts and a lovely couple. Somehow this boasting translated itself in my mind as 'he is idealizing them and thinking they are so awesome -- are we not awesome?!' (ie. craziness). I stuffed this down into the deep dark corners of myself, and proceeded to want to dazzle everyone with MY cupcakes. I spent 30$ and 2 hours making them, and I arrived at the party thinking I had my bases covered.
I arrived late, so I assumed everyone had eaten supper and dessert, so I said 'if anybody feels like more sugar, I brought some cupcakes'. As P greets me and we go into the kitchen he says, 'well Mdln already brought cupcakes. So we'll eat hers first. Besides, she made them especially for Antn.' To which I reply, 'and who did I make mine for?' Let's just say we got off on the wrong foot. The rest of the night I spent quiet and somewhat bored, because I felt totally excluded from this old-friends bonding thing. I saw P trying to connect with me, touching my hair, hands, shoulders, but I sensed an awkwardness in him. He was clearly concerned about being a good host, which I felt was at the cost of being concerned for my comfort (somewhat selfish.. I know). I also felt threatened by a new girlfriend. One we were all meeting for the first time. I felt jealous that she was mixing better with this group she just met, than I had been for the past year. At the end of the night(after having been able to get but one sentence out of my mouth), we chatted about the girl once she and her man had left. One person commented on how she 'got it', she understood their humor. I couldn't help but think 'whoa.. I don't get it, I don't get it at all!' so where does that leave me?
At the end of the night I was trying to be pleased, since P was really excited that this was the most fun party he'd ever thrown. I felt jealous and distant. The next morning I left early to go have breakfast with my friends before they left town. Needless to say I was pretty cranky.
So, it started with jealousy and competition, which only brought out my insecurities, which were not helped by P's comments, which turned into feeling taken for granted, which turned into a bit of anger and sadness, and fear of having to bring the issue up.
After my workday on Sunday I set up a meeting with the person was geographically the closest to me, because I had to talk about this. I met with Arl right after and we spent almost two hours analysing the situation. We did a lot of work in those two hours, and it is all mixed up in my head now, but basically, he encouraged me to talk about it with P.
I told him I called P earlier to make plans to see a movie that night. When on the phone with P he answered 'mmm... .. okay' with hesitation. In my mind, I understood this as something negative :'he always has energy for his friends or his work! what about me?!' but then, Arl told me he was supposed to have a business-creative meeting with P that day and P asked to postpone because he was too tired. So, the point being, my interpretation was totally false, and in fact, P was agreeing to see me when he cancelled on a work meeting. Sweet! Not selfish!
We went to the movie and after it I started crying. Things came out slowly. We discussed it. He made some points I could agree with. All in all, I saw that he was sorry, he told me he felt awkward, he wanted to make sure I was okay as we parted (he offered to join me at my house, but I told him he didn't have to, since he was right next to his house), and he made plans for tomorrow.
I sent him an email trying to explain this jealousy-insecurity thing, and he sent me a sweet and comforting email back. I think the whole experience makes me a little bit stronger, and makes my faith in our relationship grow stronger. I feel less and less insecure in the me-and-him, but I've still got my me issues to deal with.
In other news, I'm handing in my last film studies paper tomorrow. Meeting a friend for perhaps the last time.
Things are okay in general. I feel excited about summer projects, and, I want this kitchen.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Can I go nowhere with you?
Easter weekend with P's family was lovely. Full of food, fun and more food. Everything was great. There was only on moment, strung next to two other moments, that were a little bit difficult. On sunday P wanted to play basketball. I thought it would be fun too. I've been thinking lately how I wanted to be better at group sports. So we started playing 21. Turns out, I have less hand-eye coordination than I thought I did -- which wasn't much to begin with. I got maybe one or two balls in the net, the rest kept flying and bouncing around everywhere.
I suppose for people who are good at things like sports it would be unpleasant for them to play with unskilled players like myself. P didn't let on, besides a few grunts here and there. While I was basically running around like a chicken with its head cut off -- I quickly realized, it's not that I could never be good at basketball, it's just that I don't actually care that much about being good -- again, frustrating. After a while we stopped. Then spent the afternoon lounging. Later in the evening as his sister was about to drive her boyfriend back to his place, they started playing another basketball game. I think it was called bump. I've never played this game either, and it required more skill, so it wasn't pretty.
After supper, the whole family was going to play a card game called Spoons. The object is to get the lest amount of letters spelling Spoons - each lose gives you one letter, when you get them all you're out. As I was rapidly picking up letters, the family quickly offered me more letters, a longer word ('Spooniette' it turned out to be). Something about this generosity, this kindness struck a chord in me in a strange way.
Playing board games and card games are not fun for me. I didn't grow up with games, so I'm not good at them, because I never developed that kind of thinking. I could say the same about crossword puzzles and such. I never really cared about games -- probably as a defense mechanism, because all they do is remind me that I never had a family that wanted to play games, that wanted to spend time together, that could tolerate each other, that could laugh with each other. So games evoke this kind of painful association, even though I know it sounds a bit strange.
Halfway through Spoons I felt like crying. Something about me putting pressure on myself to be good, about wanting to succeed, about I don't know what. The next day, on the computer with Patrick, playing computer games -- also bad at those -- triggered the tears. Obviously I felt silly, and he didn't quite understand, but he was sympathetic and encouraging. Though I didn't believe him when he said I was good at basketball.
Everything ended fine. We got to the city, went to Bily Kun for a drink with P's friend Erc. Walked home. Bought Bagels. Had a great talk about his work, his desire to find a creative partner, and all kinds of stuff he's usually hesitant to discuss. It felt good. I feel good.
I'm indulging in a sudden Joel Plaskett Emergency revival.
I suppose for people who are good at things like sports it would be unpleasant for them to play with unskilled players like myself. P didn't let on, besides a few grunts here and there. While I was basically running around like a chicken with its head cut off -- I quickly realized, it's not that I could never be good at basketball, it's just that I don't actually care that much about being good -- again, frustrating. After a while we stopped. Then spent the afternoon lounging. Later in the evening as his sister was about to drive her boyfriend back to his place, they started playing another basketball game. I think it was called bump. I've never played this game either, and it required more skill, so it wasn't pretty.
After supper, the whole family was going to play a card game called Spoons. The object is to get the lest amount of letters spelling Spoons - each lose gives you one letter, when you get them all you're out. As I was rapidly picking up letters, the family quickly offered me more letters, a longer word ('Spooniette' it turned out to be). Something about this generosity, this kindness struck a chord in me in a strange way.
Playing board games and card games are not fun for me. I didn't grow up with games, so I'm not good at them, because I never developed that kind of thinking. I could say the same about crossword puzzles and such. I never really cared about games -- probably as a defense mechanism, because all they do is remind me that I never had a family that wanted to play games, that wanted to spend time together, that could tolerate each other, that could laugh with each other. So games evoke this kind of painful association, even though I know it sounds a bit strange.
Halfway through Spoons I felt like crying. Something about me putting pressure on myself to be good, about wanting to succeed, about I don't know what. The next day, on the computer with Patrick, playing computer games -- also bad at those -- triggered the tears. Obviously I felt silly, and he didn't quite understand, but he was sympathetic and encouraging. Though I didn't believe him when he said I was good at basketball.
Everything ended fine. We got to the city, went to Bily Kun for a drink with P's friend Erc. Walked home. Bought Bagels. Had a great talk about his work, his desire to find a creative partner, and all kinds of stuff he's usually hesitant to discuss. It felt good. I feel good.
I'm indulging in a sudden Joel Plaskett Emergency revival.
Friday, April 2, 2010
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