Summer Part 2 of Who Knows...

Once P arrived, all the tensions, worries and anxieties pretty much vanished instantly. I felt a wave of security and warmth come over me.

That night my dad was busy with his tournament, so we decided to grab dinner with my step-mother. This woman has been in my life basically since I was 3 years old. I've never had anything but good feelings towards her. This night though, I realized I didn't even really know her! I had never spent more than half an hour really being with her and talking. I had never gotten to know her as a person. Tonight I did and it was great.

We slept at the family's cottage by the ocean, with the stale house kind of smell, but somehow it was perfect. 

The next day we putted around because of a hard rain storm. We went to Sackville and visited around the area to give P a real sense of Acadia-land. We visited my grandmother's house in Cap-Pelé which has recently been somewhat gutted since she passed away. My grampa was looking great and the house was actually livable, even cute! I loved how he had old pictures of himself when he was 18 on the wall. the house was suddenly less about my (pack rat) grandmother, and more about my stay-out-of-the-spotlight-despite-all-his-accomplishments grampa. He is kind of amazing.

Then we made a curry for dinner -- the first dinner I have ever cooked for my family.

We visited with my mother's mother and then we headed back to my moms place in the backwoods. The sky was huge and full of stars and P was very excited about it. The next day was spent playing with the dogs, the kite and general lazyness.

It was surprisingly relaxing. I was afraid of what P would think of my step-dad, after all the stories he has heard of him. My step-dad was even a little bit more reserved than usual initially, but after a while he realized that P wasn't judging him, and he opened up a little bit, showed P his camera collection and other fun stuff.

I think that is one of P's best qualities, he's always willing to give people a chance. I actually appreciated this more than if he would have banded with me and my past hurt feelings. Because really, I'm gradually letting go of those feelings, and having him bond with me because of them might have been a step in the opposite direction of growth. (Even though I realize that growing is ebb and flow).

In the morning we left for Moncton after a few awkward family photos. I liked how P insisted on taking some. We spent the day with friends in Moncton and had a great old time.

The next day we headed to Hopewell Rocks -- which were more beautiful than I remembered. Hit the road and stopped in Alma for food and St-John for sleep. We hit the border the next day and reached Acadia National Park in the late afternoon.

This lack-of-planning (which I insisted on) was actually really good because it allowed us the flexibility of figuring out when to stop. Ultimately, we struck a perfect balance of planning and no planning for both of us, and my anxieties about it melted almost instantly that day.

Getting to Acadia was perfect. Setup the site, get some food, eat it, go to bed. Wake up early, make food, prepare a lunch, go hiking. The hike was good but once we got to the top of Cadillac mountain I was feeling really sick. We chilled for a bit then headed down. We had planned to do multiple mountains, but after that one, we decided tea and popovers at Jordan's pond would be better.

I was wearing a long purple maxy skirt that day and people kept staring at me -- like staring, I'm not kidding. It was really strange. I guess purple is foreign in Maine.

More to come later....

Summer Part 1 of we'll see

*** I wrote this a few weeks ago with the intention of just pumping it out and publishing it. Suddenly I became really busy, and this story has been left incomplete as many other things have happened. I will finish the series in due course. You'll just have to come back and see. : )

This was one of the craziest summer's of my whole life. Working, interning, trying to have a normal life, trying to relax, trying to figure out if this is the kind of life I want. The answer to that question is: i'm really not sure anymore. Something is pushing me towards a slower pace. I've realized that I can't really function with too much going on in my life. Or, I don't really want to function with too many things going on in my life. It feels like I have this habit now of saying "let me check my schedule and get back to you" when friends ask me to hang out. I don't want to make a lot of money, I just want to enjoy life, and my friends, have time to make meals, not be rushed all the time.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. After this crazy rushed summer, all I was looking forward to was these two weeks of blissful relaxation -- and then the planning started. P comes from a family whose definition of vacation is basically 'do something with every free moment you have', which in some cases is totally great and fine. I come from a family that a) never really took vacations but b) when we did, it was more of a day-by-day kind of thing. Negotiating between planning every day of our ten day trip got me incredibly stressed and panicked before I left. On top of that, I realized my passport was expired 3 days before I was supposed to leave.

Those days were probably the most stressful days of my whole summer.

I left Montreal praying that I would get home and find peace. Usually when I go home there are a few days of activity at the beginning and then it seriously dies down, which i am more than happy about. I can basically spend hours on the couch without saying a word. Bliss. The first day was fine. The second day we went to a small town for my haircut, and shortly after I started feeling strange, head-achey, a little bit irritable, with a sore throat. Went home, went to bed early and woke up the next day feeling worse. We went back to this small town for an errand and I felt it was bad enough to want to see a doctor. We get to the hospital -- no medicare card, I forgot it at the house. Either we pay a 500$ fee (that gets reimbursed) or wait until the next day. We get some stuff from the pharmacy and call it a day.

It was such a strange illness. A sore throat and persistent dry cough (that would end up lasting for about a month). Appearing out of nowhere.

This means the first 3 days I was home were active, sicky, and generally, with me feeling like crap, still worried about what P will think when he comes down for the first time. Because if you're ever been to the Maritimes, you'll know it's pretty boring.

On the saturday, I asked my mom to drive me to my dad's place (1h30 away) to meet P who will arrive sometime around supper time. We get in the car and I am practically fuming from my frustration. What frustration? Who caused this frustration? At the time, I did not know. I just felt it boiling in me. I don't know if it was because I felt like my vacation was out of my hands with all the activities around me, I don't know if it was being sick, I don't know if it was just plain old negativity, or what. We're driving in the car and I'm seriously questioning making a scene. Instead, I cry a little bit under my sunglasses and feel better.

Once we get to my dad's place, I feel instantly better, which is weird, because that's not a feeling I commonly associate with my dad. Usually my mom is my greatest source of comfort. And to be honest, there was nothing that had happened during the time that I spent with her that was frustrating or irritating or anything in particular.. so it was weird to feel this relief.

As soon as I arrive I'm greeted with hugs and welcomes. We sit down outside on the Adirondack chairs and finally I mellow out a just a tiny bit more.

When I was really young my dad played baseball. We would go to his games, cheer him on from our seats and generally have a great time. I don't remember the last time we went to see him play, but it turns out that he has started playing again recently. That weekend he was participating in a tournament and we went to see him play that evening. It was so much fun! The baseball field is all of 5 minutes away from the house, people are cooking burgers and hot dogs, the sun is setting, it was really nice. I was sitting with my stepmother and half brother, who last year, really rubbed me the wrong way. As I sat down with my water bottle next to me, the bottle got knocked by his foot. He immediately apologized and placed it upright. This shocked me. I thought, oh my god, he's acting like a decent person. I know this sounds harsh -- but you'd be surprised how this 12 year old sent me into a frenzy last year. This moment calmed me a little bit more. I knew that I wouldn't have to worry too much about being around him.

P called a few times to get clearer directions (cause when you're in the boonies, even a gps can't save you!) and our tones were always a little curt, he gets stressed when he's unsure where he's going and I had some residual frustration from the previous days. 

More soon...

Summer Preview

I don't like starting my blog post with : "has it already been 2 months since my last post?!". Yes, yes it has. A lot of things have happened since then, most of them good.

I will dedicate the next post to chronicling my summer vacation. Two blissful weeks. But it will have to wait until I get the unabridged collection of images. For now, I leave you with this. 

Basically my heart felt like the kite the whole two weeks.

Time Flies

Has it really been almost two months since my last post? Apparently yes.

I'm going to write this one down for me to remember a thing or two:

Time is a precious, precious thing. All the insecurities, doubts, questions I had a few months ago are gone. Why is that? I don't know, but I'm beginning to realize the most important thing anyone could do for themselves is appreciate that every day brings new challenges, and there is as much negative as there is positive in them.

Don't forget friends. I've been feeling like i'm sorely neglecting most of my friendships lately. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to too many people in the last few months. But I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it (see above), things will fall into place. There's no need to hold anything so tightly you choke it to death.

When something's wrong -- eating right is the best thing ever! I may be able to live without yoga for a couple of weeks, but living without tasty food is not a life.

I feel like there's a bunch of other things I should remember, but right now I'm not feeling anxious enough to want to absolutely think them up and write them down. Calm calm calm -- can never be overrated.

I may be feeling more chipper than usual because I feel like the summer is progressing, like a chapter just ended (ie. an internship), and I have a little break before starting up again.

Things with P are kind of magical right now. Our communication has significantly improved, in subtle ways, but still for me, this feels like we're making strides. The other night after going to an outdoor art thing that turned out kind of lame we ended up on his front steps eating ice cream sandwiches, drinking orange juice from the box and just talking. I don't remember about what, but I remember feeling extremely relaxed (when previously I might've felt tense). I think everything that happened this year has brought us to a good place. I think I made him understand that all I wanted for him was happiness, and I think now I understand that I just need to let things happen. I feel very secure in this relationship right now, even though a few months ago, I didn't so much.

It's also crazy how that security is often just questioned by my own issues -- like my boredom, my stress, my own insecurities. I kind of hate that... but I guess being aware of it is better.

Right now, I can summarize my attitude in this example: it's like seeing that it's pouring rain outside, but thinking "it's okay, I'll get there and change into dry clothes". It's about committing to the ride in the rain. Committing to being okay about it -- cause really, fussing about it isn't really that practical.

I'm up for it.

Weekend Getaway

This weekend I spend the whole long weekend at P's place in NDG. It was like a little vacation away from home. It was really nice to spend all that time together, but then again, I already knew it would feel like that!

We spent the lovely sunny weekend making food, talking walks, planting our herbs into bigger pots, and doing a giant Spring cleaning. First, you must know (if you don't already) that i'm a neat-neat-neat freak. Even worse than a few years ago. Almost as bad as my mom. Going to P's place had become a little, stressful for me... the dust, the dirt, the dishes! I had been asking him to let me help him tidy up his place, but week after week he rejected my offer. Finally, with no prospect of sun (after a week straight of rain, looking towards another week of rain is probably what made him crack), we spent our time inside scrubbing the kitchen floor, cleaning the counter, putting all the dishes in place, washing cruddy towels, and finally cleaning the bathroom sink. Although the weekend turned out to be beautiful, staying inside, putting a little bit of elbow grease into his place turned out to be really fun and satisfying.

I get a bizarre thrill from seeing dirty things shine after a quick wipe of a cloth.

A few weeks ago I had a few more pangs of doubt, but now, somehow they subsided. I kind of hate how my head/heart does that, but I guess it makes sense. Being okay with the ebbs and flows, that's the whole point.

Today I feel rested, and rejuvenated, with a little pang of missing P.

"You're too far"

Something has shifted recently and I finally put my finger on it. P and I have had our fair share of ups and downs recently, testing our usually smooth sailing relationship more than ever.

I feel like we've both grown a little more through them. This week we met up on wednesday to work on a project together (see even this is somewhat new!) and at some point while sitting on the couch watching the hockey game he said "you're too far". I was sitting right next to him! With my legs on his lap! I was right there, yet this was too far. These are the kind of things that are so sweet it makes my heart melt. This kind of I-can't-get-enough-of-you moment. That's when I knew, things were back to normal.

I've been feeling way more secure and generally we've been really synchronized. And it's times like these that I really know the effect that school stress has on me. During the whole winter we were not synchronized, and now that the crappy stress is gone -- boom! we're back!

Feels good.

My life

Right now there are a couple of words that summarize my life for the last few weeks:

Jamie Oliver
Food
Work
Food
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations
Moment Factory
Blogs
Food
Food blogs
lack of sleep.

Not so bad.

I've been out of the blogging mood lately. Not sure why. Fatigue probably. but I hope I can start it up again in a week or so...

fingers crossed.

Mam

it's my mom's birthday in two days. for some reason i feel really emotional about it. she's turning 50, but she's still the most stylish person i know.

soulmates. she's my soulmate.

it's about time

Wow... no posts for the past 20 days...

I even thought about retiring this little old blog.. it made me sad to think that I had reached a point that I wanted to avoid my thoughts. So I decided not to retire it, and somehow, here I am.

A lot has happened in the last 20 days. P and I are still together. We broke up temporarily for one night, but went back on our decision. There's something holding us together, i'm sort of struggling to figure out what it is, and sort of okay with not knowing.

All of my thoughts and feelings these days are dictated by this incredible stress i'm feeling about school...

So much stress I can't even really articulate thoughts anymore. So far it has just affected my brain, not my attitude.

More on this.. in small doses.

I found it

I had been looking for my compassion for a few days now, and i finally found it.

I realized everything that's going on with P is putting a lot of pressure on me. I've decided to stop thinking about it for a few days and let the answer come to me when i'm ready.

We had dinner last night and everything felt fine. Not superb, obviously, but generally good.

There's also part of me which wants to at least enjoy a little bit of the fact that he's now day-shift, and what it would be like to have a relationship on a normal schedule.

I deserve that. I want to know what it feels like. And I want to stop pressuring myself to make a decision because it's not making it any easier on me.

Just go with the flow. New mantra.

boys just want to have fun

I've got too many thoughts in my head to write out something that makes sense.

P and I were on a break this week. We came back this weekend and I asked him what he thought about this week. He said 'it's simple, I just want to have fun'.

Too much confusion ensued for me to make sense of it here. I've never come so close to saying 'I can't do this'.

We're speaking two different languages and i'm scared that i'm going to end this because something gets lost in translation.

I say I have no expectations, I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me, I want to take it one day at a time, I want to be in this 100% until it lasts -- for however long that may be.

He says I want to have fun.

Are we saying the same thing in different words?

I have so many questions. I feel like i'm floating. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I've been talking like I know what it's like to be in a relationship... and now i'm rethinking the whole thing. Where we ever in a relationship?

I don't know what to do... this situation has become so complicated I can't even find my compassion.

after a quiet week...

outcomes

I don't like that i've stopped writing here. Sometimes I worry about documenting things as they happen because it makes them feel too real.

P and I are on a break this week.

It was brought on by my asking him what i'm supposed to do with the thing he said in december about him not seeing me in his future. I've been feeling something about his position in the relationship for months, and it was confirmed on saturday when he said he didn't know what he wanted. His internal conflict is also related to his own idea of what love is..

I asked him to sleep on it, and told him I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

I know my limits. I know what answer I need to move forward with him. We'll see what happens on saturday. I'm ready for any outcome.

bouch-bée

Mad Men season four makes me a little bit sad...

The middle!

Two days away from having 3/8ths of my master's done.

One paper to go.

Nice.

Backing Off

Things are going remarkably well these days, I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due by friday and i just started my research tonight. Normally, a major crisis would be happening right now, but instead, I'm only having mild panic attacks.

I've decided I'm going to write my papers my way, about what I care about: compassion, doing good, bringing positivity to the most people possible. Taking it this way makes me feel genuinely excited about these things.

In other news, I had a minor internal tension towards P the other day. I got all rattled up because he doesn't eat as well as I think he should. I know, I know.. "i think he should" is very dangerous territory to trek and I'm trying my hardest to stay away.

I should say though, that he has come around to Jamie Oliver. He has made a number of recipes on his own and really liked them.

I know it's not up to me to feed him, and I don't want to do anything that resembles being a mother, but it makes me sad when he only eats once per day and doesn't take the time to get groceries to eat better. He says it's because he's busy, but... are adults less busy? are adults with full time jobs less busy? are adults with full time jobs and kids less busy? The answer is no, you have to make time to take care of yourself. It makes me sad because I know he enjoys cooking, but I guess he enjoys sleeping and working more than cooking.. for now anyway.

He'll be switching to day shift next week. A whole year of night shift is now coming to an end. Suddenly he's seeing all the benefits of working nights.

I don't like all the negativity I'm hearing in this post, but I had to get it off my chest. I care about him a lot, but he is his own person, and I know he does not like to be told what to do, so I have to back off... and I think that might not be as easy for me as I think.

I suppose I have my own control issues here...

Advice to myself:

Choo-Choo!

That's the sound of a train. I was that train today, happily, and more importantly, productively, chugging along an endless list of work.

Why do I know how good I feel when I do my schoolwork, yet I spend, hours upon hours wasting time not doing that schoolwork? Is it because I like the pressure of getting everything done close to the wire? I never thought I was one of those people, since I shudder at the thought of improvisation. I need to be prepared for school stuff to feel good and satisfied, and happy in some sense.

Today was a great day. I hope I can kick myself into gear tomorrow to have another one.

New Blog!

I've started a design blog. Somewhere for me to expand my ideas about design and keep track of my development.

I haven't worked out the kinks, but I like it minimalist.

This blog will still go on, cause i'm still going to need a place to vent and be neurotic, but the other blog might be a little more put-together. Or at least I hope it will be.

Check it out.

http://adeleflannery.tumblr.com/

Baby Posters!

Posters are really awesomely fun to make, especially when they're in a series. Series are awesome. It's really fun and tricky to make something different but cohesive.

For Bummis I tried to stay in primary colors but make it a little grown up. The posters they had in the past have been... atrocious. I think these are an improvement.



Baby-land is seriously lacking some smart design. Strollers, highchairs, clothes, toys, most of them are kind of offensive to look at with all their colors and strange shapes. It seems like no thought whatsoever has gone behind it. Of course, there are some exceptions, but in general, it's a pretty sad state of affairs.

I should really be working on the assignments that are due and not thinking about the bad design of baby-land..

Food!

At first glance, I have trouble swallowing art that relates to food, and more specifically wasting food. This woman's art (and profession) is pretty interesting. I also like her candidness. When she says at the end that she's forty, I'm like 'waaaa?'. People like that make me excited to get older.

I like this place called Eataly in New York. Superstar chef Mario Batalli is involved. I had never heard of it until now, but it looks very cool.

Jennifer Rubell - An Artist Who Uses Food as Her Canvas from Gestalten on Vimeo.

Rooms!

More photoshop playing...

Before:


After:


I get it, I get it, I get it. I think..

New Understanding

I finally understand why my blog looks so different (read: not as cool) than other blogs.

Enter: Canon 7D.

Eureka! It's all in the camera. Now I understand how those shallow-focus, slightly over-exposed pictures that I find so beautiful are taken!



Okay, so my pictures aren't that pretty (besides the pretty content), but I see the potential of the camera!

I managed to get P to see that the true purpose of him getting this camera was to jump-start his food photography career. He says it's for that movie stuff he does, but I know the truth.



I've decided we're going to be the next Tastespotting: I make the food, he snaps away. Here we have a lovely breakfast with scrambled eggs, a mélange of stir-fried veggies seasoned with rosemary, decadent molasses raisin-bread, and my own concoction, yogurt filled apple with almonds and a drizzle of maple syrup. Very pretty, very tasty.

Here I am attempting some Apartment Therapy-style photography. Not quite as nice, and not staged enough, but I'd still say it's a pretty cute bedroom!



Now that I see this picture, I wonder if there aren't a few things that should change... the lampshade, I wonder what it would look like with a chevron pattern in grey. I have been wanting to paint the wall behind my bed grey for the longest time. I never get around to asking the landlord if I can or not. I also still have to figure out how to wax my bed.

Today is such a strange and beautiful day. It's grey, but still sunny. A golden-late-afternoon kind of sun.

Yesterday P and I went skating on the mountain. I found these old skates in the backroom and thought I might as well give them a try instead of renting some. Turns out they work perfectly (almost -- they could use a little sharpening). I think i'm going to try to get us out doing sports more often. It's really fun, and I like when P says things like "You skate better than Simon!".

Lately we've been spending almost all our weekends together. It's really nice. It feels sort of like what it would if we lived together. Or, since i've never lived with a boyfriend I don't actually know what that would feel like, but I imagine it's something like this.

I've also been dreaming about what I could so if my apartment went for sale and I could renovate it. Something gorgeous I'm telling you. Breaking down walls, bigger kitchen, more light, expand the balcony, make the bathroom a little bigger. Put two kids in my room (because it has two closets), adults in the double room with fire place, install some kind of closet system there (since there are none now, seal the door between it and the other room, make that an office with the balcony, keep the living-room as is but devote it to cozy couches and chairs. Beautiful!

I don't know what i'll do if I ever have to leave this place. It feels part of the life I wish to have.

Here's a picture I played with in photoshop. I'm not sure if it's an improvement or not... but I like it. I think I made it look like the way I saw it in my mind. The original was much flatter and washed out.

Pretty!



So much creativity! If only I could channel it into my studies...

Satisfaction

I've been feeling exceptionally good for the last few days. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has something to do with being (somewhat) on top of things at school, doing yoga, and trying to eat down-home-simple foods (butternut squash anyone?).

When I got back from the Maritimes I had this crazy tension-pain in my shoulders, and some kind of inability to deal with it with yoga. I was avoiding yoga. Finally I went to a class and had lots of feelings of fear of hurting myself and not wanting to sink into the positions (aka letting go). I've been to a few classes in the last weeks and the tension-pain is gone. Last night I was able to sink in/ let go a little more.

Another fun thing is that I feel really good creatively. The project last weekend, the chair I've found, just the general handy-craft vibe is incredibly satisfying. Also though, perhaps it's getting a bit of recognition from other people for my work. A few tuesdays ago I went to a friend's house to remodel her living room with her. It was super fun and she keeps telling me how much she likes it, tells her friends about it, gets compliments, etc etc. We're thinking of tagging up sometimes during her doula gigs. If she recognizes a home in need of some attention, she might give me a call to come help out. That would be super awesome and nice to do.

I'm also still dabbling with the graphic design and thinking about making some kind of website/blog to keep track of all my files and my evolution.

I've made two tentative posters for the colloquium and i'm unsure which I like best.



The one on the left seems to say 'hello, i'm nice and interesting, you should come to this event if you can make it', whereas the right says 'hey, look at me, come to this thing'.

Something about making posters is incredibly satisfying.

The Rack and the Chair

P and I spent the weekend plugging away at a shoe-rack for his hallway. It's too bad we didn't take a 'before' picture, but we did snap a few 'afters'.





Pretty nifty! It's almost like the shoes are floating. It was a design I found on Apartment Therapy that looked like this:



It makes me want to make some for my apartment too, we have just the right space for it.

In the meantime, I "found" an Eames/Herman Miller-style chair in the street tonight. It's in rough shape, but I'm excited with the idea of refinishing it since i've read so many blogs about refinishing them and they always look awesome.

I also baked a chocolate-beet loaf with a friend from school this morning. Surprisingly good!

Also, I just want to say: I've never had a clementine with leaves on it in my life until about one month ago, and it's the best thing i've ever tasted. I will never go back to box clementines!

School is about to kick-start into high gear, all I want to do right now is sleep.

More fun to come.

New Ambition

I want to be a design historian someday!

Leadership

There is part of me right now that is fuming!

A school association that I am a part of has a student colloquium every year. I was super excited about this. Imagine, students and professors getting together, sharing ideas, moving archival studies forward, pushing their own limits.

We had a meeting in december where we discussed possible themes. I remember the one proposed being a mouthful, and not quite as snappy as it could be. I made a suggestion at the time which, to me, sounded like a better idea (it was Impact: Archival practices and society). Now a few weeks go by and emails are sent out saying the theme is being 'fine tuned' and this is what they come up with: A Variety of Archival Practices and Shifting Achival Paradigms. Now to me, this says: a bunch of stuff being done at a bunch of different times. Basically it says nothing. It's embarrassing.

So, thinking it's no big deal if I remind them of my proposed theme, or at least its structure (ie. choice word with subheading) I write to the group. All too quickly it starts what I can only describe as a shit storm, about work not being appreciated, about disrespect, about bad timing, about this and about that.

I'm thinking, dudes, I didn't question the effort you put into this lame title, I'm questioning whether or not this title is inspiring, or at the very least, saying something. Emails go back and forth and only one other person agreed with me. Hello fish out of water!

The thing that bugs me is that this colloquium has so much potential of saying something, but these guys are setting such low standards (perfectly exemplified by their speakers list -- professor at UQAM, really?).

There's part of me that think this lack of creativity on the part of the organizers is a symptom of a larger problem that is the lack of leadership in archival studies. These people have such an awesome opportunity to say something, but they don't. They are conservativeness personified.

I said something in one email like "wouldn't a colloquium titled Archives and Politics be cool and inspiring!?" and the response I got was 'nobody would want to speak at a colloquium with that topic'. I don't know if i'm more upset about this response, or the fact that it might be true.

I am really trying to find the compassion in this situation, to let go, and not get caught up in who's right and who's wrong, but it's really hard.

Comparing the conference to the one in Toronto is another thing. They are in their third year (we are in our forth) and they have a much more dynamic and exciting format and topic.

Thinking about this stuff is depressing. Thinking about wanting to change things is depressing. Thinking about the status quo is depressing.

I would like to think about taking over for next year, but I think i'm a lone soldier and no-one would support me in my journey...

Internal Conflict

I'm having huge conflicts in myself about what to invest in (with my hypothetical money, of course). My interest in furniture is really blossoming, and particularly for locally-made or ecologically-friendly pieces which tend to be on the pricey side.

There's part of me that believes investing in furniture, clothing, or even art, is vain and materialistic. Then there's the other part of me that just wants to be surrounded by carefully crafted, beautiful things -- everything from furniture to cutlery.

Something outside of me says that investing in experiences, such as trips, is more reasonable, or have a longer positive impact. But then again I think "hey, sitting in a fabulous chair every night can also have an awesome impact!" Particularly when it looks like this Olivier Desroches chair:



With a nice throw blanket and a good book; what's not to love!?

There is this other idea floating around in my head about patience, carefully assembling collections... but, it takes so much time to 'fall on' a great piece. Thrifting takes devotion!

Anybody out there have thoughts on this?

Strange Things People Say

We had a goodbye party this weekend at P's place for one of his friends (and I made the best playlist of my life). His friend's girlfriend, whom I've seen many many times, but never actually talked to struck up a conversation with me at some point.

It started harmlessly enough, but then turned a little bit strange. She wanted to know what I really thought of P's mom, because she has interacted with her over the many years she's been around and over that period of time, has formulated her own views. The way I see it, his Mama is very complicated to me. So generous and giving, but sometimes it seems to veil high expectations which often creates high pressure situations. I'm pretty easy going with her. I don't have a strong personality in the same way that this girl does, so I suppose that makes things easier for me. I usually feel like because she does so much for me, I should basically do whatever she wants me to do. She never asks for the Moon or anything, but maybe just a higher level of energy than I usually float on.

Since P and I are still in a young relationship, this kind of thing can go on and on as she pleases. I suppose the tricky part comes (as with anyone) when kids enter the picture. I'd be curious to see how that plays out, should it ever happen.

But the weird thing that made me want to post today is this thing the girl said: "You know, it seems like P's really in it with you. The relationship will only end if you decide it has to." Or something to this effect.

I really don't know how to interpret this. I'm not sure I believe it. But frankly, I just find it a really weird thing to say! So much so that I'm not really sure how I feel about the statement.

Am I somehow supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to feel in control?

It's just too weird. It's like saying to someone that they've succeeded in whipping their boyfriend. That their boyfriend is somehow their property now.

I don't want to whip anyone, or to own anyone. Or to be whipped or owned.

In other news: a children's book about Audrey Hepburn -- how about that!

Nice.

I like the part when he talks about how there's no common style thread anymore, how anything goes, and how attitudes change over time. I was wondering if where we were going fashion-wise in this new decade, since the last one was a recycling of previous ones. I guess not knowing is okay too.

Long-distance Relationship

This table makes me faint.



I think I'm in love.

All Coming Together

I haven't posted for a while, that much is obvious.

Lots of things have been happening, few seem meaningful enough to write about.

Basically, November and half of December are a fog to me -- school stress in general. I plugged through my papers and exams and ultimately passed everything. I'm still sort of stunned that everything got done.

One weekend in December, P and I went to his parents' place. It was strange for me, I was overcompensating for something I didn't know at the time. P had been going through some things, some life changes and stresses. We had a conversation and it quickly boiled down to him not knowing if he saw me in his future or not. During the conversation I was strangely calm. I absorbed everything, even though I was hurt. This line sent some insecurities off in me, but also explained a lot of P's recent behavior (a bit distant, a bit less enthusiastic).

We shared a few more moments before I left to go to the Maritimes, and they were always falling short of (let's face it) my expectations. The time that I was at home, I was distracted by all these thoughts in my head. Mostly, I was feeling ashamed. I felt like I've talked to my girlfriends about their relationships and pointed out the moment when they needed to exit a thousand times, but now, I was in this situation, wondering if I was convincing myself of things, wondering if I was in denial about others, and wondering if my relationship would blow up in my face. I regret if i've ever made anyone feel like I knew something they didn't, because clearly, I don't. Now I fully appreciate how a relationship's uniqueness is matched only by the uniqueness of the needs of the ones in it.

I left the trip home earlier than usual to come back and spend new year's with P, and also to potentially talk to him about what I was feeling. I got home, and somehow, everything was fixed. He was really present, attentive, affectionate, enthusiastic and all the other good things I feared had gone away. I didn't want to bring anything up at that time, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say, but I knew it would come back to bite me in the butt. I resolved to bring the issues up at another time.

That time was this past weekend. Another strange comment was made that brought those not-so-old feelings back up to the surface and that did it. I told him everything I could remember from the things I thought before: "when does this future begin? do you understand that it makes me uneasy? what do these comments mean? I feel like you don't really mean them, but they are symptoms of something else. Can't we just take it one day at a time? Etc. etc." I don't remember what was said, but basically it was an honest and open conversation and it made me feel better.

I feel better today, I feel like everything that needed to be said was said, and I understand which parts of this conversation are related to me and which are related to him.

This whole weekend pre-conversation (I kept it until the very last minute, of course), we spent working on one of his projects for his friends. They used to make movies in their teens (several in fact) and he wanted to finish backgrounds in a few and make DVD menus for them all. He asked me if I wanted to design the menus. Of course! Now that i've been equipped with a new laptop (a refurbished macbook, decked out with extra RAM and all the Adobe software I could dream of -- courtesy of sweet P) I was eager to put it to work. It was really fun working side by side. He would teach me a few things, I would show him what I knew, and all in all I think something cool came out of it.

It also gave me a chance to see his skills. He showed me this image, which was a collage of images (a temple, some stairs, some mossy statues, trees, bushes) from all different sources, and throughout the day he just photoshopped the whole thing into one image. It looked real! I was really amazed. Now I don't know how I will ever trust anything I see on film.

In other news, school is better and more interesting this semester which makes me keener to be organized. I had an interview at my dream job (Moment Factory) and I'm pretty sure i've landed an internship for the summer.

I've been working a lot on some graphic stuff for school and work, which is awesome. It's amazing how much energy I have to do this stuff.

I went to yoga tonight for the first time since December -- it was rough. I feel like i've taken 100000 steps back. I'm scared (of hurting myself, or my knees) and tense and not as stretchy... i've got to get back into it and now!

I wish I would've made this poster:



Instead I made this one: