Mentally Jumping Through Hoops

This week was okay for the most part. Sunday or Monday I found out that my step-dad had chest pains and was taken to the hospital. This is 5 years after his first heart attack, and many years of continued smoking and drinking. Although we've had a strained relationship, there's no question that I would be devastated if anything were to happen to him. It feels like there are too many people dying around me. Every time my mom calls I always listen to her tone to see if I can hear and anticipate the news that my gramma is gone, or that my step-dad didn't make it through the night.

This news, compounded with the woman's story (see previous post) and various thoughts floating in my head about relationships and expectations lead up to a tense night last night with P. For the first time in the 1 year and 3 months we've been together, I felt cold towards him. Something in me wanted to be distant. 'You put yourself and your career first, fine, I don't need you' ran through my head. These thoughts were totally irrational and speaking to the news of my stepdad more than anything else.

There's lots of change happening around me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take it all in. I spoke to my mom tonight and she said 'P is teaching you lessons, he's waking things up in you that are about you, not about your relationship. He's making you think about what you want in life and what you want in a partner. You're not waking up as much in him, because he's not allowing it, he's not there yet. He still needs to feel in control'. I think she's right. Part of me worries about all these questions I'm always asking myself. I worry that I'm over-thinking and obsessing, but now that I think about it, it is just a way of sorting out what i want out of life and out of relationships. Logically I know this is a good thing, because, I think I will know when I've learned all I needed to learn from this person.

I have to remember that relationships should be grounded in the present, because the future doesn't mean too much in reality. I was thinking that something in me wanted a promise. Do you want him to ask you to marry him? Do you want to have kids? Well, logically I know neither of these things are promises enough to keep people together, or to make them love each other. Screw promises, you can't promise anything to anyone, because things change so much. Besides, I would never want to coax someone into promising me anything. I know the nuances of promises and questions like 'will you love me forever?' because i know that love could mean different things, it can evolve and it can die. I myself know that I would answer 'well, I will love you as long as i can, but that love might change into another kind of love as time goes on'..

All this to say, today I was very upset with the world. I was asking a lot of it: I was asking for certainty, but all it could tell me was 'everything will be okay'. Somehow that wasn't enough, but after talking to my mom, it seems not so bad.

Besides, I'm consoled by the thought that my mom says her two greatest loves are her children and that knowing we're in the world fills her heart with love everyday. I'd jump through hoops for her.

Oh, pourquoi es-tu si belle?

My coworker found this pretty girl on The Sartorialist blog. Very pretty, very classic. One thing I've noticed about this photographers recent images is that there are always two matching colors balancing the frame. For example, her red nail polish with a red sign in the back. They don't have to be obvious, but just visible enough for the eyes to look, connect and forget in the pleasantness that is in the image.

Two women came into the boutique today. I knew one of them (an ex of my friend) and she happened to also call her daughter Adl. She was with a friend and we began chatting about names. Her friend said her daughter's name was Juliette. She told the story of how they forgot to give her middle names when she and her partner were filling out legal papers at the hospital. She said she sort of thought it was strange because her daughter didn't have her name anywhere, as it is pretty common in these parts for the children to take both parents' family names. She said 'My partner and I had only been together two months when I got pregnant.. I didn't get the chance to want to have children with him, it just happened. Before that I had been with a man for 10 years, we discussed children, we planned on it. I was thinking of baby names that would go well with his last name. Now I find myself with a baby who doesn't have my name, and doesn't have the name I imagined my baby having. In some ways, I still have to get used to her family name.'

The woman looked perfectly content, but something in me felt sad. Maybe her calmness betrayed something, or maybe I just saw my own fear and sadness reflected in her. I thought it was sad that you could spend so much time with someone, imagine such grand things with them and then have it all go to waste, disappear, as if they had never happened. I sometimes worry that that will happen to me.

Of course, if someone is in a good place, a healthy and balanced place, then even such a drastic change can be taken with stride... I suppose it comes back to the question of 'do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one?' I don't feel i'm in that situation, but I think it's one of my biggest fears.

I'm looking forward to NYC with P.

Less is More

I just finished watching Coco Avant Chanel. It is far from being a life changing movie, but it did have an interesting impact on me. Audrey Tautou is pretty, that's a given, but what came out of this movie in particular was how pretty dark haired women are. I don't think we think of black-haired beauties in the same way as other beautiful women. Tautou was simply stunning. I also enjoyed her thick eyebrows and straight eyelashes -- both features I've personally been embarrassed about my whole life, for a reason unknown to me.

Also, when sending my application to UofT and exploring the possibility of getting accepted, I made a decision somewhere in my mind that I would cut my hair really short. A new beginning? A new identity? Maybe. I really like this haircut, and now that I've found a picture, maybe I will cut it if I get accepted.



I've rekindled my passion for fashion in the last few days. I fell on a website with Marc Jacobs' latest collection and I thought 'Yes! He did it again!' He did a forties thing in the early 2000s that blew me away, and probably ignited my love for forties fashion.



and



simply lovely.

Beautiful details, always the details.



Now, this girl has the craziest, zaniest fashion blog i've ever seen. I had heard about her last year, but she has since skyrocketed into hipsterdome. She's going to fashion shows and making a name for herself at 13 years old. How do these things happen? I can't wrap my mind around it, though I do appreciate her use of Wes Anderson's favourite font for her blog title. All this leads me to believe her blog is too good to be true, but interesting nonetheless.

Why is Robert Redford so Cool?

Even when he plays ping-pong (with Paul Newman no less).

Mighty Girls!

This week started out rough, but ended up uncharacteristically light and bright. I had a good talk with P earlier this week post-'nobody cares about me!'. It happens to me every year around this time, I get lonely, feel disconnected. I remember two years ago I felt the same way, except I was single, so somehow it felt worse. I remember talking to my mom outside of the Concordia library and saying how I had tried to call my dad and we didn't connect, and I probably felt like my friends were busy (which they probably were -- hey! they were students! duh). I remember feeling totally lost and sad. It didn't feel exactly the same this time, but a combination of factors did cue a reminder. Everybody came to my rescue, of course. I think I have to trust and be more patient when it comes to this stuff.

I just found something on the (don't laugh) Oprah website about the ebb and flows of relationships:

Unlike dysfunction, healthy intimacy pulls away, bounces back, creates infinite fresh configurations. Trusting the rhythm of each relationship, rather than insisting on robotic consistency, will keep you from panicking when someone's boundaries move a bit toward or away from you. Insist on continuous connection with just one individual: your own self, who knows where to draw the boundary lines on any given day, with any given person.

I think it rings true, and it's something I have to constantly remind myself.

The week zipped by. I don't even remembered what I did half the time. I know I saw P on one afternoon. I went to a fish fry at a church with Vnss and Lv. Went to a sweet 80th birthday supper for a friend of P's family. Had his parents and sister over for brunch today -- big success. I made an egg bake with mushrooms and asparagus and goat cheese, with a garden salad, fruit salad, breakfast sausage, cantaloupe, a little nectarine-kiwi salad and some croissant. It was really great. All the colors were so pretty. It made a lovely plate. Before his parents arrived, P and I hung around and talked. It was a nice change. We're usually doing things all the time, we rarely sit on the couch and talk. I like how aware I am of when he chooses to open up. It feels kind of special every time.

I went swimming friday morning, and I had a great rest of day. I should should should go more often... but I'm going to hold off on the pressure for now.

This seems like a pretty cute website. Chin up! Let's be mighty!

Off & On

After sending out a few feelers on this bored situation, I've come to conclude that being bored is, in fact, okay. Someone made me realise I don't have to be 'on' or 'on it' all the time, and though I know this in theory, I have to put my money were my mouth is. Besides, I spent my whole childhood being okay with being bored. I used to say I could never be bored no matter how dull the situation I was in -- mostly involving television. Why would I want to push that so far away from me? I turned out okay despite all the tv-time.

I've decided to be okay with this, so tonight I'm watching Gilmore Girls on DVD.

I had another strange thing happen to me in the last three days. I had been sending emails here and there to P and other friends (links I found funny, but more thoughtful emails too). I'm always torn about my motivation for sending emails. Do I send them simply to get a response? In many cases, I think the answer is yes. Somehow, yesterday, all this came down to 'nobody gives a shit about what I think and feel (because they don't respond to my emails)' and 'nobody wants to connect with me'. It was all very dramatic in my mind.

I know I'm in a weird spot right now. I can tell the difference between my level of zen-ness now and my level a month and a half ago. There are minor traces of desperation.. there are obvious signals I'm not putting myself first.. but I'm mixed up because everything seems to be going so well...

Watching the film 'Little Children' did it. I spent the evening feeling depressed. Then I started crying. Somehow I really wanted to talk to P. I knew he was at work, but I texted him to call me if he had a free minute. Not 2 minutes later he called.

Me: making crying noises. Him: Bb, are you okay? What's wrong? Me: Nobody responds to my eeemails! Nobody wants to connect with me!

He proceeds to apologise for not responding to the last few emails I sent, he consoles me and promises to respond to them the next day. Then he asks me a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel better that he is engaging with me. I realized late in the evening that this situation felt so acute because it reminded me of my non-responsive parents, and how much that hurt growing up. I asked him if he's stressed (because i felt like he was distant in the day) and he says yes. So all in all it was a good conversation, followed by good emails. He responded very openly to the email I sent him about being bored. He shared a lot in that email. It was nice to feel like he let me in for a little bit.

In other news, more diy projects up my sleeve. I'm thinking about doing a large grouping of artworks in my room instead of having them all spread out like I do now. I absolutely adore thinking about these things.

Fun!

Move it along, Nothin' to see here...

I'm bored. Busy, but bored. What's up with that?

Polka Dot Tights

A few things happened since last week. Deciding that I would do my best to move beyond fear, I decided I would have a conversation with P about how I was feeling. What was the most fundamental was that I missed him, and not being able to share this with him because of my own fear seemed unhealthy, so I did. He instantly said 'I miss you too' and then I explained a little more my quest to get beyond my fear and so on. In the instant that I did it, I felt better, and I've felt better ever since. In fact, I think it sort of opened the door for him to express how he feels too. He's been expressing stuff he didn't used to, so it makes me feel like we're on the same 'miss you' page.

Last week was good, this week has started off well, we spent a whole 24 hours together last weekend. We went to see a jazz show with some friends and it was pretty good. The next day when he asked me what I wanted to do I said 'oh.. i don't know..' and when he asked me again later I said 'anything as long as you're around' which is what I was holding back from saying earlier. So we went shopping for pants. After he decided on a few pairs, he offered to buy me a little something to thank me for my help. So I picked out awesome polka dot tights, which I've wanted for a long time, but somehow could never justify buying.

I wore my polka dot tights today when we went to see Avatar this afternoon. I think it's actually cool that my work schedule is M-W-F, because then we can spend some afternoon time together occasionally. I think i'm more comfortable asking for some of this time now.

In other news, I got accepted to McGill and I have to give them my answer before the 19th. It turns out my answer needs to be accompanied by a 300$ non-refundable deposit. After a few hours of panic, P made me realize that I should be investing in my future, not taking risks like this. I was thinking of taking a leap of faith that everything would work out for Toronto -- get the Ontario Graduate Scholarship, get accepted and get funding -- but those chances are seriously slim. He offered to pay for it, which makes me want to cry because it's so sweet and generous. He also said his parents would help too, because he had mentioned a potential fee to his mom last week. His mother did offer to pay for it too in an email exchange I had with her today.

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I wish McGill wasn't asking for such a ridiculously huge chunk of change. I wish I didn't have as much debt as my age x 1000. I hope someday I can be generous too.

In other other news, I did my very first do-it-yourself upholstery project and it was fantastic! I reupholstered two little stools I found outside. Covered them with dark purple velvet, spray painted the metal frame in silver - they are gorgeous! I'm totally addicted to d-i-y projects now. They make you feel so good. They make you feel like you're doing something. It's good to do something with our hands. I've got my eye on a complicated shelf system. P said he would help me. I love the thought of doing d-i-y projects with him. I'm all proud of my little stools.

Fun fun fun..

Mind-Heart Disconnect

Ugh. I'm tired of my mind and my heart being incommunicado. Lat week sort of zipped by, I felt good about my busyness, I felt good about the work I was doing, I felt good in general. Then Wednesday, I miss him. Okay, it's normal. Just keep going. I knew I was seeing him on Sunday night at his house with a few other friends. Great. Sunday morning, up, bright and early, I miss him. I cry a little bit. I remember 'don't make breaking down a habit' and I suck it up, besides, I'm going to see him that night. Sunday was lovely, we took a nice short nap on the couch when I arrived. Both tired -- from what? Sleeping?

The part with friends was fine. I admit, I did think for a split second: 'the only night I get with him, and I have to share him?!' but I also thought it would be good for him to socialize with other people, since his schedule doesn't normally allow it. I never want to be the girlfriend who keeps him from his friends. Tonight, tears. Am I tired? I felt tired this morning. Am I stressed? Maybe, I just found out about a presentation I'll have to do in my class, alone, and in french. Do I miss him? Yeah.

There are two weird things happening within me. The one part that completely understands what he's doing and why he's doing it. Understands and respects. The other part (my heart) that hurts a little (euphemism) that I can only see him once per week, and the bigger heart-part that worries my emotions will end my relationship. I imagine it as something like this: "I miss you and this once per week things hurts, even though I understand it" "Well... I don't want to hurt you, so it's over".

Wow. Writing that down seems really dramatic. A few weeks ago I would have been totally against the idea of opening this part of me (my heart) to him about this, but I think I will tomorrow. And I think I have a mix of reasonable and emotional stuff to bring to the table, so that it creates a somewhat messy situation which he will hopefully understand, tell me he loves me and that it's okay.

I think I want to tell him more about my book, because that's where my head-heart connection makes sense (or at least, is put into words). I feel like my heart is exposed in general right now, feeling everything with great intensity: my gramma, all this feminist stuff, my relationship, and even some friendships. So the situation with not seeing him is sensitive, even though I know and feel that our hearts are connected.

Tomorrow I don't work. And I think I'm planning a trip to nyc sometime in march (avec ou sans P). I saw a great movie called Herb & Dorothy, about a couple of modest incomes who built one of the most important contemporary art collections ever. It made me want to consume art. Besides that I'm reading a book to help me find my passion. I'm giving myself one year to find it, and make it my life.

I bought this poster. It makes me happy.

Cool School

So i've had this idea floating around in my head for a number of months about starting a school. Originally I wanted to expand the cinema program into something else, something like what I experienced at the cinema school in Cuba last year. After some thought and discussion, I realized that creating an affiliation to the university (or any other old-time institution) would probably end up being quite limiting.

My idea was to have a cinema school that focuses heavily on theory, practice and production. Theory would mean every student would have to be familiarized with the core concepts of film studies, going back to the early days of theory in the 1920s, but also reaching further back to include more general art theories too.

The practice would mean a few things: not only practicing one's craft, but also thinking about methods. There would be a class to help the student find their optimal working style. Some people can work hours and hours two days before a project is due, others need to mull over a projects for weeks, work on it in stages and then produce something complete. I was never taught how to learn or how to work efficiently, and although this might seem obvious to some people, I don't really think it's a given for everyone. Besides, sharing ideas about methods would undoubtedly be interesting or inspiring for others. The idea would be to get a collaborative feeling going between students. Taking the shift away from individual genius and making people with great ideas work together to make them powerful. Practice would also mean trial and error. Hopefully, the school would have enough resources for students to dabble in all kinds of things, developing their overall creativity. Practice would also involve a certain level of administrative arts, or business. Maybe, learning about contracts, rights, and other practical industry knowledge I'm not familiar with. (Note to self: find someone businessy to figure this out.)

Production was originally supposed to be a production company; in the same way that some universities have Presses to print their scholarly activities, this school would have a production unit composed of a network of individuals in and out of the school. After thinking about this for a while and talking to some other people, I thought if the school expands beyond cinema into music or performing arts generally, then maybe the production company shouldn't be limited to film. Maybe the school could have one big project per year, alternating between a film, a live music show, an opera, a dance or whatever. That would give the other areas several years to work on developing their projects. I'm unsure if this is possible, for a production company to produce many different kinds of works, but maybe it could be the first.

Thinking about this some more, and watching several TED talks, made me think that having an official 'institution' might not be a good idea. Institutions have a history of being very rigid and probably thwarting creativity. I watched one talk that was discussing how big internet successes are mostly ones that are flexible, accessible projects -- think flickr, youtube. Ones where people can contribute what they want, when they want. This is now my biggest mental challenge: figuring out how to have a flexible, inviting, creatively thriving "school" that has enough structure to produce things like films and operas which demand huge commitments. The challenge for me is uncertainty. How to deal with the uncertainty of who is in the school, working, learning, producing, at any given time? How to deal with the uncertainty of their compatibility? How to deal with the uncertainty of the attractiveness of this flexibility outside of the school (and indirectly, its legitimacy)?

The school in Cuba functions with visiting lecturer workshops. They have a core group of professors, but they bring in many top quality individuals from the industry (not only teachers, editors, producers, writers). This seems like a great idea. It would certainly add to the interest of the school, and create links between the school and the industry.. I think if the basis of the school, it's more fundamental principle is collaboration, then it might have a shot.

The trouble right now is, there's no real urgency for this kind of school. I know a bunch of talented creative people in all kinds of artistic field who are frustrated by the lack of creative locus in the city, but I don't know many of them with enough gusto to want commit to this crazy idea flowering in my head.

I want thinkers. I need thinkers right now. People who want to develop this, or at least watch a whole bunch of TED talks about talk about them.

Just Do It!

Somehow the stars aligned last night. I was in class watching this feminist movie. It was bizarre. A film about the condition of women in the seventies. The women were principally factory workers, waitresses, strippers, all kinds of jobs at the service of men. It was criticizing the limitations and lack of respect women had at the time, but what struck me was the the filmmaker was not giving any sense of validation to the work these women were doing. It's sort of serendipitous because I had a brief conversation about this very thing last friday with Vnss. Women who do this kind of work, who are we to make them feel bad about it? Who are we to see no value in it? Things need to be made, plates need to be cleaned, I'm not saying only women or only men should be doing this, but instead of seeing the denigration through the gender, we should just value the work these people are doing. I'm unsure at what age we're programmed to believe this kind of work is not noble, or doesn't deserve the same respect as lawyers and doctors.

It's like the old tale about how in Germany plumbers make as much money as doctors, because they are as valuable to society as doctors. I don't know why we have all these divisions here. This is a kind of mythical story I remember from childhood. I don't actually know if plumbers are as valued as doctors in Germany.

This film left me feeling like I was doomed not to achieve anything in life. That the cards were inevitably stacked against me no matter what I did in life. If I try, like I am now, to focus on being a good person, instead of getting ahead in life, then, I'll be left behind. I felt pretty anxious after this whole thing. Feminist films make me so anxious!

The thought that came to mind to remedy this feeling of not doing anything with my life more than working a retail job (which is awesome and a big part of my personal journey, but there is a part of me that looks down on this for some reason) was that when I went to the cinémathèque the other day, the girl working there was really nice. I thought 'I wonder how people get jobs there... I should just go and ask her!' Then I get home, reply to several emails, and then I read one from Lé about the cinémathèque currently hiring! My fear says, 'don't do it, Bummis is so comfortable and good for you' but my brain says 'oh my god! you can do this job! what perfect timing! Do it!' In the spirit of just doing things (and not thinking about them so much), I applied for a job at the cinémathèque.

I'm a bit anxious to see if i'll go through this process, because applying doesn't always mean getting considered. Scary, but somewhat exciting.

That He Not Busy Being Born Is Busy Dying

This is an interesting idea, if you're not busy being born, you're busy dying. What does it mean to be busy being born? I think I might be. Naissance. It's a very pretty word, and an even prettier concept.

I've suddenly rekindled my affection for bob dylan.

This week went by so fast. I don't know if it was only working three days, or being busy, or what, but I was happy when I realized I would be seeing P the next day! I went to find him at his house while he was gone to Canadian Tire to get that plastic stuff you put on windows to give better insulation. I got there and started making appetizers for Vnss's party. Every time I see him now, it's one of the most special moments in my week. Hugging him, looking him in the eyes, it's all heightened. This week I didn't feel any desperation.

We had a while before going to the party so he started putting the plastic stuff on the windows and I was cooking up a storm. It felt a little bit like what it would be like to live together, it felt nice and comfortable. I have a secret wish that he will one day want to live with me, but I think I want to wait long enough to know that living together won't be the pronouncement of the end of our relationship.

I watched many movies last week, and somehow a lot of them were about marriage. People were basically all saying: 'Marriage, what's the point? What's the point of this piece of paper? Have you ever seen a successful marriage? Why jump into this thing that is basically a death sentence?' I've often secretly hoped that if I did find someone that somehow 'we would be different, we would be the couple that made it work', and all that nonsense. I think i've gotten a random dose of reality, and now I'm not really convinced about the whole marriage idea. However, I have this secret that I'm kind of ashamed of... there's a part of me that wants to be someone's wife, to be introduced 'this is my wife, adl', and to introduce my husband. It doesn't come out of possessive part of me, I don't want to be possessed... but maybe I do, a little bit. Somehow I have this hugely romantic notion that 'my wife' and 'my husband' will always be said with the tone of deep respect and affection, despite the fact that it is probably more often said with disdain.

I feel like I've strayed away from my original path. So, we get to the party and we're pretty much hanging solo. I don't think I've quite figured out how to socialize as a couple, and I'm unsure how he feels about it, but I do know that he's shyer than I thought. So we sit on the couch and talk. I forget the order of things, but I think he said 'should we go? we're just sitting here?' and I said 'let's wait five minutes and then reassess' because I felt like we hadn't given it our best shot. Then he laughs and says 'What!? What's going to happen in five minutes?' and I say 'anything could happen!' Then he says something like it's always better to do something than to do nothing, to which I respond 'you know what that book i'm reading says about that? It says that restlessness is rooted in fear' and he responds 'yeah, that's totally true. I would rather do things than sit around thinking. I always want to be doing things' Then I give him this 'are you kidding me?' look and he says, 'ok, i'm only half kidding, take what I say and cut it in half' and then I am secretly reassured. Then he goes on to say that during the christmas holiday having nothing to do made him stress about the future, his work in particular.

We then start talking about tomorrow's plan: having supper with his folks. I had spoken to his mother a few days before to invite her to come have supper at my house the next time they were in town. We started talking about my christmas holiday, about my gramma, and about my family. One thing led to another and I spilled my family history. About the divorce, the alcoholism, the tension and the alienation. All this stuff I had never discussed with P because I didn't want to define myself with it. I used to do that. I would give people the rundown of who I was within a few meetings, because I wanted them to understand why I was the way I was. I saw myself as a broken person, so I felt like I needed to explain this. With enough time out of that environment, I became a different person. When I met P, I wanted it to come up in its own time. So now that I had told his mom, I felt awkward about the idea that she knew more about my family history than he did. So we're on the couch talking and I told him about this awkward situation. Then I gave him the abridged version of my family history and he looked at me and said 'you're so brave, bb' and he kissed me. Then I told him this sort of explains why I'm always second guessing myself, overthinking things, trying to work on things, trying to be strong and brave, trying to become fearless. Then he said 'well, you must've wanted to tell someone if you told her' and I said 'oh no, everybody knows, it's no secret, I just hadn't told you'. He looks at me with a funny face, asks why and I explain the bit about not wanting to be defined by this past. He responds sweetly.

I'm happy that opening a part of myself to him was positive. I'm not sure why I was worried about it. I think I'm figuring these things out, but hopefully we'll have a lifetime to figure them out together.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw

Kinda looks like an older P.

Let's Do it, Ladies!

Let's do wonderful things!

Delayed Gratification

Yesterday was okay. I received the sweetest love email from P. But on my way downtown, I sat on the bus and read The Sacred Path and everything became extraordinary. Somehow everything I was thinking and feeling was in front of me, in words, being explained. Two chapters, The Genuine Heart of Sadness, and Fear and Fearlessness put everything into perspective. It was basically explaining that I'm in a place right now where I want to open my heart to the world and the people in it. I want to open it because I want to be awake to the world and feel it. What happens is by exposing our hearts in a raw and genuine way, everything becomes a little more sensitive. It says that 'Fearlessness (which is what i'm going for here) is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart.'

In the chapter about fearlessness, it describes a common mistake many people make: understanding fearlessness as a reduction of fear, when really, fearlessness is going beyond fear. This reminded me of the acting class I took this summer. There was a quote on the wall that said, 'The only way to get through it, is to go through it.' I remember wanting so much to be able to go through it, but I don't think I had the tools to accept my fear then. I love how being soft and sensitive is the way to get to fearlessness, because now I feel like I am going in that direction in a way that is honest to myself.

Something else that was interesting was how it discussed fear at the root of restlessness, and nervousness. Below them is sadness, and below it, fear. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it this way, but I can't help but think 'is this why P always likes being busy?' Either way, this is my journey, not his, and that's okay.

On my way back from school I read another chapter, Synchronizing Mind and Body, and somehow the whole world began making sense. I felt exhilarated. I was smiling like a goof in the bus. I got home and was bursting with love and happiness and excitement. I wanted to talk to everyone. I wanted to post! but I told myself, no, just feel this, and post tomorrow.

Sometimes delayed gratification is great, it makes you relive your exhilaration.

Matreshka

What does it mean to love someone? I was talking to my mom on Thursday, after a week of meltdown after emotional meltdown, and she said something like 'loving someone means accepting them and loving them with their faults, because we've all got them.' Nobody is perfect and the real test comes when you can point out someone's faults and love the person as much in spite of them.

I'm not playing martyr here, but I think what my mom said is true. We don't love people because they are perfect. We love them because they are constantly surprising, complex beings. Like mathreshka dolls, holding layer upon layer of complexity, to be revealed in time, or perhaps never. This is what I struggle with the most. I think that P is somehow shut tight like a safe I'll never had the combination to open. But when my head is clear, and I open myself to him, he is actually open and receptive, in his own way. People are in different places in life, and we can't not love them because they're not at the same mental place as you. If I feel like I'm working on myself, on my confidence, on my fear, on my anger, I'm not doing it to inspire him, or to get him to open up, or to get him to look deep down inside, I'm doing it because there are certain things I need to do for my self (and my sanity). My journey is not tied to his, perhaps only parallel, if that.

What got me thinking about all of this was my mom's comment, but also, the question: do I feel like P will still love me despite all my emotional breakdowns? my irrational mind? my inability to express what's going on when I ask him to listen? I think the answer is yes. The trouble is, I go around walking on eggshells a little bit, but that's my own problem. My own fear of being myself around him is mostly my own thing, because it is based in so many things that precede his presence.

I've started reading a book my old friend Jol suggested I read. It's called 'Shambahla: The sacred path of the warrior' and it's totally uplifting. It's all about basic goodness. I need to see and understand and feel my own goodness, I know it's in there, hidden under a pile of insecurities.

I've never worked harder in my life.

Always

P calls me at 4pm : 'bb! I'm sorry i'm only calling you now! I just woke up'. Hearing his voice instantly soothes me. His little bubbly enthusiastic 'bb!'. We make plans, he shows up later and his hug makes me lighter. He even dressed up a little bit; nice shirt with the grey, wool tie I gave him. I was wearing a cute 60s tweed dress, so we unconsciously matched.

I felt like he was very present. He was there, he wanted to be there, and he was making me feel it. All my neuroses subsided, all the drama I invented earlier that week disappeared.

I discovered the root is all this drama and urgency is related to my grandmother, and indirectly, my family. When I realized this, all I wanted to do was call my dad, but I couldn't. Something in me felt like I wouldn't be able to keep myself together when talking to him.. I spent the last week in tears for myriad reasons, and I felt like I couldn't do that when he was losing his mother. I haven't felt ready to call him yet. I should, because this shouldn't be about my fear..

I'm all fear these days, but I'm trying to accept it into my heart so that I can let it go.

I'll be Yr Bird

I'm not the tiger, he never had,
I'm not the first hit when you got it bad.
I'm not your second, I'm not your third but
I'll be your bird.

I'm not your Chesnutt,
I'm not your Mould,
I'm not your DJ on late night radio,
I'll be the first one to ask where you were,
I'll be your bird.

Then when there's no one to care,
I could protect like I've always been there,
I'll become your bear.

I'll sing statistics, & hide the truth,
I'll tell your dad anything that you want me to,
I'll hide your locket under the dirt,
I'll be your bird.

-M. Ward

The Perfect Word

Bemused.

uh-oh

something's brewing in the back of my mind.. i feel it. It feels familiar... it feels selfish, but not in a good way. I'm not focusing on myself, so drama rears its ugly head. I'm having trouble even focusing on writing this post.

I'm terrified he's going to forget me or stop loving me or easily put me aside for his career.

That's what I want to say, that's what's shouting at me from down there. But hey, what's wrong with this picture? He needs to put himself first too, to be happy, to be productive, to be inspired, to move forward in life. He is his number one, I should be my number one. It is perfectly reasonable for such a talented and ambitious guy to stop at nothing to make his dream come true. The scary thing for me is, that he dreams big, and he makes things happen. I don't understand how it's nearly impossible to make my heart calm down for a second and realize that our paths with probably grow in parallel, despite the fact that we might have different schedules. Why is it so hard to be reassured by this?

I'm indulging in drama just thinking about this (bullshit).

Why can't I just remember how beautiful life is from the macro to the micro.

P fixed the dvds we were trying to watch the other day. Sweetheart.

Theory vs. Practice

I went skating with P on saturday. We met up at 3, joined Lé and Andrw at Parc Lafontaine, and skated for about an hour. The ice wasn't perfect, but it was fun anyway. We had some hot chocolate at Andrw's, went home, made supper, watched Atonement, and I was ready for bed. We went to bed around 1.30am and I feel asleep instantly. We set the alarm for 9am because we wanted to go see Up in the Air at 12.30. The alarm rang, but we didn't get up. I got out of bed at 11.45 and did a bit of work on the computer. I decided to wake P up around 1 because even though we wouldn't go see the movie, our time would be limited since he worked that afternoon. We decided to watch a Planet Earth documentary thing, but the dvd wasn't working. P spent about 30 minutes trying to fix it, and when I finaly said, 'let's forget it', he replied, 'yeah I have to leave in 15 minutes anyway'.. my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach. I felt a pretty big sense of disappointment. It wasn't really because he spent the time trying to fix the dvd, but probably because I didn't say anything like 'okay forget it, let's just snuggle' before it was too late.

I decided last week that I wouldn't have any expectations about this new scheduling situation, because it simply can't be helped and it's really not the end of the world, but clearly I had some lurking in there somewhere. I don't want to make a big deal out of this, because adding drama to this situation is not going to help me or it. There are a few words I need to remember:

"Love has nothing to do with what you're expecting to get, only what you're expecting to give, which is everything." - Katharine Hepburn

In other news, I went to my first class (and my final undergraduate class) and it was really great. Profs with energy make it all worthwhile. I think I'm going to try really hard to do well in this class -- especially since it's in french and it takes twice the effort for me to learn in french. I'm excited to start working on it.

Tomorrow: Pool time!