I'll be Yr Bird

I'm not the tiger, he never had,
I'm not the first hit when you got it bad.
I'm not your second, I'm not your third but
I'll be your bird.

I'm not your Chesnutt,
I'm not your Mould,
I'm not your DJ on late night radio,
I'll be the first one to ask where you were,
I'll be your bird.

Then when there's no one to care,
I could protect like I've always been there,
I'll become your bear.

I'll sing statistics, & hide the truth,
I'll tell your dad anything that you want me to,
I'll hide your locket under the dirt,
I'll be your bird.

-M. Ward

The Perfect Word

Bemused.

uh-oh

something's brewing in the back of my mind.. i feel it. It feels familiar... it feels selfish, but not in a good way. I'm not focusing on myself, so drama rears its ugly head. I'm having trouble even focusing on writing this post.

I'm terrified he's going to forget me or stop loving me or easily put me aside for his career.

That's what I want to say, that's what's shouting at me from down there. But hey, what's wrong with this picture? He needs to put himself first too, to be happy, to be productive, to be inspired, to move forward in life. He is his number one, I should be my number one. It is perfectly reasonable for such a talented and ambitious guy to stop at nothing to make his dream come true. The scary thing for me is, that he dreams big, and he makes things happen. I don't understand how it's nearly impossible to make my heart calm down for a second and realize that our paths with probably grow in parallel, despite the fact that we might have different schedules. Why is it so hard to be reassured by this?

I'm indulging in drama just thinking about this (bullshit).

Why can't I just remember how beautiful life is from the macro to the micro.

P fixed the dvds we were trying to watch the other day. Sweetheart.

Theory vs. Practice

I went skating with P on saturday. We met up at 3, joined Lé and Andrw at Parc Lafontaine, and skated for about an hour. The ice wasn't perfect, but it was fun anyway. We had some hot chocolate at Andrw's, went home, made supper, watched Atonement, and I was ready for bed. We went to bed around 1.30am and I feel asleep instantly. We set the alarm for 9am because we wanted to go see Up in the Air at 12.30. The alarm rang, but we didn't get up. I got out of bed at 11.45 and did a bit of work on the computer. I decided to wake P up around 1 because even though we wouldn't go see the movie, our time would be limited since he worked that afternoon. We decided to watch a Planet Earth documentary thing, but the dvd wasn't working. P spent about 30 minutes trying to fix it, and when I finaly said, 'let's forget it', he replied, 'yeah I have to leave in 15 minutes anyway'.. my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach. I felt a pretty big sense of disappointment. It wasn't really because he spent the time trying to fix the dvd, but probably because I didn't say anything like 'okay forget it, let's just snuggle' before it was too late.

I decided last week that I wouldn't have any expectations about this new scheduling situation, because it simply can't be helped and it's really not the end of the world, but clearly I had some lurking in there somewhere. I don't want to make a big deal out of this, because adding drama to this situation is not going to help me or it. There are a few words I need to remember:

"Love has nothing to do with what you're expecting to get, only what you're expecting to give, which is everything." - Katharine Hepburn

In other news, I went to my first class (and my final undergraduate class) and it was really great. Profs with energy make it all worthwhile. I think I'm going to try really hard to do well in this class -- especially since it's in french and it takes twice the effort for me to learn in french. I'm excited to start working on it.

Tomorrow: Pool time!

What Are You Thinking About?

I'm thinking about mortality lately. My father's mother is dying and the whole thing is very surreal. My mother called me last night but I had forgotten my phone at work. When I checked my messages this morning she left me one asking me to call her back. The tone of her voice was very low, so I knew something was wrong. I called home and my stepdad told me my grandmother wasn't well. I called my mom at work and she gave me more details. She's in palliative care, which is were people go during their last days. They get the best nurses, the best care, the most comfortable beds and anything else that can ease their pain.

Pain. My mother passed along a message to me from my grandmother, she said 'ask her to say a prayer for me tonight, because children's prayers are stronger than adult prayers'. Something in me is praying for her pain to disappear. There's something in me that doesn't feel prepared for this at all. Even trying to gauge how close I was to her to measure how I will react to this is proving to be impossible. I know it's impossible to anticipate or control our reactions, but something in me is trying to plan or make sense of this situation.

I feel like I'm centered in all of this, that's why it's all a little bit confusing. So far I have been really calm and relaxed for the last few days. All I want to do is be there for them..

It's interesting how since I've made it my resolution to stop worrying, I stumble upon all the worry-related art/graphic stuff. Maybe the whole world has resolved to stop worrying..

Shedding

I decided I would stop worrying this year, but I started it out in a full-blown worry fest. Worrying about leaving NB (because of a huge snowstorm), worrying about some friends I don't see often, worrying about getting back on time, worrying about finding a new roommate. We got home at 6.30am. I lied down in my bed and said to myself 'all you have to do right now is sleep, that's all you need to do' a few seconds later I fell asleep.

How will I stop worrying? Eating well (helping my mood and my budget), swimming when I can, doing my schoolwork for real, and other big things like learning to accept myself, following my heart, taking time for myself, and doing things out of love. If love can be my motivation behind everything I do, then wouldn't it be much easier to live happily? If you do everything with love, then you could never be disappointed or unsatisfied with your activities. I anticipate this will be a very difficult challenge, probably more difficult than being present.

I feel up for the challenge right now, after all, last night I made my very first Julia Child meal. It was awesome. It'll be even more awesome when I begin to understand the logic behind cooking and I can make the recipes from memory.

I want to grow! I want to grow out of love and into love! La-la-la-la-love!

Three Little Words

I feel so overwhelmed with thoughts these days that I am having trouble deciding what to talk about at any given moment. Most days I sit around at home, read my book, flip through magazines and talk to my mom about every difficult thought I'm having, or have had. She listens to me with such an open heart, I feel like she's lifting weights off my shoulders for me.

She gave me a book I had seen once or twice and disregarded. It's called 'Eat Pray Love'. This book is my obsessive, neurotic brain pattern on paper, but the nice thing is that this woman is trying to find God. Or at least trying to figure out what this means to her. I think in many ways, the mantra i used two years ago and the 'letting go' of today are my small steps in this direction. One of the many things I've taken from this book is that finding inner peace is a constant struggle -- it's like exercising. Exercising is difficult when you start, but gradually you feel good and it gets easier. I think this is a worthy endeavor. I know I need inner peace.

I know my greatest challenges are guilt and worry. These two things cause me so much unnecessary stress I feel like i've wasted months of my life because of them. I need to restructure my thoughts, weed out the bad, but not be so hard on myself for thinking them.

This book has put words to so many of my thoughts, it's really quite reassuring. For example, why are there some people who are genuinely happy, uncomplicated, and never question their worth in this world? Why is P the way he is -- so confident and ambitious and by result, talented and motivated -- and i'm the way i am -- paralysed by guilt, constantly worrying, and questioning myself at every turn? I'm not only relaying this to me and P -- the more people I meet, the more of the confident go-getters I see.

I know everyone has their own struggle, but why is it that it seems to me these confident go-getters are often doing brilliant things, or getting brilliant opportunities? Or even, how did they overcome their struggle to go on to make wonderful things?

I think the root of it is love. I think they do their great things out of love. P can stay up for hours, prepare for days, and be the awesomest person to work with because he loves doing these things. He does them with love. But I think this is also related to how the experienced love throughout their lives too -- i think upbringing has something to do with it. Or maybe that's just me making excuses. In any case, I've decided that I will only do things I want to do out of love this year -- whether it's love for myself or love for the project.

First, and most importantly, I need to put myself first again. Swimming and cooking are too things I do out of love for myself. I need to cover those bases and thanks to the two Julia Child books I got, I think this will be possible. Then I need to refocus my energies at school: concentrate and be present. It's my last class in film studies, possibly ever. That's kind of sad, but I should make something good out of it.

I need to start being myself, going with my gut, and quit trying to fit into this stupid intellectual box I've regarded so highly for such a long time.

This year, my main ambition is to decrease my stress and with it, my worrying. Zen, here I come!

--

In other news, i find it really interesting to be having this revelation at this particular moment in my life. My grandmother is dying, I'm seeing my parents get older, I'm seeing older people unable to accept they're getting older, and I'm seeing my mom accept it all with grace which is utterly inspiring. If I make my mom and Julia Child my mentors, I think i'll be alright.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I'm trying hard not to care about grades right now. I've gotten back 2 out of 4 and I feel a little disappointed. I got a B- and all I can see if my future going down the toilet. I'm trying to convince myself it's not going to be like that, but the drama bone in me is going strong.

Friday morning before taking the bus P went to an FX studio to drop off his cv for a junior compositor job. He got the job in under 15 minutes. I'm so happy for him, and a little bit jealous at the same time. I'm not jealous he got the job, I'm jealous that he's so skilled and driven and motivated and that he got an awesome job one week after graduating. He'll be working nights, from 6-midnight, which should be interesting for our relationship. Right now I don't feel like it's a big deal, but I wonder how i'll feel in a few months. Especially since I'll more free time in the new year, I think.

I went to P's parents' house this weekend. It was simply lovely. I didn't feel phony or anything, but perhaps that due to the fact that halfway through I started getting sick and I slept for most of the other half.

I've been realizing lately that I'm not totally putting myself first these days - in the sense of eating and exercising. I haven't cooked myself good meals in several weeks, and I bike less because of the snow so I don't feel good when I get tired from walking up the stairs in the metro. I'm convinced the metro makes people less healthy. There's something about it that I just don't like -- the air, the heat, the noises -- it's all too thick or something. Not that inhaling gas exhaust from cars is any better, but somehow it doesn't feel so bad.

I've got some laundry and packing to do, heading home tonight! Youpi!

Tinsel Town

I've been totally indulging in the xmas spirit this year, listening to the Nutcracker like crazy and also funny 80s xmas music I associate with my most vivid memories of xmas.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to P's family's place for the weekend. The week has built it up as a kind of stressful experience, but I should just remember to be in the moment, be with P, and have fun.

Easier said than done? We'll see...

The most exciting thing about this time of year: buying a new agenda for next 2010. I settled on a moleskine monthly. I've never really used moleskines consistently, we'll see how this goes.

"I Like Your Shirt"

I also like going to dinner with P to celebrate the end of school, to celebrate snow, to celebrate our one year anniversary, and to celebrate love. We went to a party at Phl's afterwards. It was really nice, we talked and laughed and giggled and snuggled each other. We were there 'as a couple' and we didn't really socialize with strangers, but we talked a little bit about that. About how it's awkward for Patrick to strick up a conversation with Joe Stranger when he's Phl's friend's boyfriend. I feel the same way when I hang around in his circles. I figure people have to make more direct links with the main person in question; they have to bond on something.

I'm really glad I got the reality check I did many weeks ago. The reality check to chill out, put myself first, and realize how wonderful it is to accept and love people for who they are. These things seem really obvious, but when you think about it, they're not so.

P gently opens up to me about lots of things and I don't push him anymore. I've realized that some times it's me who is actually a bit closed. More than I would like to admit. He was talking to me about his family's christmas traditions, and he asked me what I was looking forward to the most. I told him I wasn't big on christmas, when what I meant was 'I have too many memories of drunk, fighting christmases, where I just wanted to unwrap gifts and get as far away from everyone as possible.' I feel a little bit like I'm omitting something important, but I also don't want to over-emphasize something (which still hurts me) but I don't identify with.. I don't feel a huge amount of pressure about this, but I did feel a tinge of something when I didn't bring it up.

Things are great.

Fireworks!

This Friday, P and I will have been together for one year, 365 days, lots of laughs, many films, a few disagreements, tears for better or worse, and a big dose of growing up. I feel really proud and happy with this year. I feel like I've matured and gained a better understanding of myself. One that I don't think I could have necessarily gained on my own. I had about 6 years of life 'theory' before I met P and being with him put everything into practice. It's really about trial and error, but most importantly it's about patience and understanding.

I feel like I want to give props to all the people who went through this with me in some shape or form. I don't know that I could have done it without you.

This is your one-year too!

Here's where we'll meet to celebrate:



(in our minds and hearts). xox

John Cassavetes

Life is fucking fascinating. Watch a Cassavetes film and you'll feel it.

Where Do You Go to My Lovely?

Rude Awakening

I've been crossing paths with some serious feminist issues these last weeks. First it was the porn film, now it's kitchen design!

I'm doing a project for my documentary class on cooking shows and their faux-realism. I'm trying to present an evolution in cooking shows concurrent with the evolution of feminist theory. Julia Child = good, Martha Rosler's Semiotics of the Kitchen = angry, Martha Stewart = bad. The point is, I'm reading an article in a book about 'The Making of a Modern Kitchen'. Sexism goes so far back and is rooted so deeply that we can point to it in the design of kitchens in the 1920-30s. This is fascinating. The idea of the 'fitted kitchen' to make everything easier, to make a woman better at staying IN the home.This is very disheartening, but it makes perfect sense.

Who have (for the most part until recently) been designers? Men. What did the men of the period want? Women to be in the home, taking care of kids, and making meals. The kitchen was reconceived in the periods when men wanted women back into the home, but this new innovation was presented under the premise of 'bettering the function of the kitchen'. I'm surprised I had never entered kitchen design into the equation of sexism and oppression until now.

I feel slightly weighed down by all this feminist awareness.. and admittedly, a bit annoyed/frustrated/disappointed in people's reactions this reality. I guess I can't expect every man around me to be passionate about the cause of women... but some kind of sign of wanting to understand, or acknowledging their lack of understand would be nice.

Why do I want that? Why does it matter to me what other people feel about feminism, especially when my own feelings about it are mixed?

I need to find satisfaction in introducing people to ideas, not of convincing them of anything.

Just because I was cynical at 13, doesn't mean everyone else was... :)

"This Is Not A Love Story"

Yesterday was the worse day since last year around this time. One of those days were you lose hope in the world and humanity.

We watched a documentary in my class called "Not A Love Story: A Film About Pornography" and it shook me like I've never been shaken before. It has almost nothing to do with pornography or the sex industry (I say almost because I admit, sometimes I find some sexually explicit imagery offensive). It had everything to do with feelings.

As the film started I thought, 'Oh a film on pornography - interesting', a third of the way through my thoughts changed to, 'women who are offended by porn are just insecure, and that's okay, but they should just be aware of their own insecurities and let others go about their business', but about halfway into the film, I was holding back sobs. It was hearing men talk about their feelings, hearing the ignorance of a magazine publisher, hearing Margaret Atwood's poem on women's issues (genital mutilation particularly) and realizing how women can internalize and perpetuate men's hatred towards them. I know the film is dated, I know it has its own ethical problems, I know documentary's potential to manipulate its audience, but my impression isn't about that.

It's about the fact that people's feelings and complexity are often dismissed by society (evidenced by our class discussion where most people laughed off the film's message). It's my worry that as a woman I'll always be held back, or that I'll always be trying to get ahead, it's a fear that i'll end up a single mother and that society will forget me. It's a fear of being 'irrational or too sensitive'.

I know things are different now, I know most (if not all) the men around me have been raised by strong women, but somehow I can't let go of the possibility that if we forget this past, it'll repeat itself. If people stop feeling things... then we're in trouble.

e.e. cummings

I remember that I posted a poem a long time ago, back in the days of Vncnt. It was a poem by e.e. cummings. It's a very lovely poem and I sent it to P once in an email telling him I wish I had written it for him. He responded saying that clearly I carried people in my heart wherever I go. He transcribed part of it in my birthday card this year, I didn't recognize it at first, but some tears were shed when I put two and two together.

All this to say, I wonder if love expresses itself through ourselves similarly in all relationships. I wonder how its possible that I could feel like this poem was an apt expression for what I thought I felt for Vncnt and for what I know I feel for P. I suppose a lovely poem is a lovely poem (is a lovely poem is a lovely poem), and can be applied to many situations. I suppose that's what makes this poem good... it could be about love, or about friendship too.

I wish I took more pictures.

Time Heals All

I've been doing stretches lately, because it hurts my muscles when I bike to hard in the morning because I'm always rushing to get somewhere. So now I stretch at night, soon I'll do it in the morning, when I learn to slow down. I found a video online that is a relaxation excercise. When I did the acting workshop this summer, we would always start by doing this kind of centering excercise and it really works when you want it to.

A few months ago I freaked out at the thought of only seeing P once in a week, now, I am totally calm and satisfied with the amount of time we spend together. This week, we've seen each other for a lunch break and a quick supper at school, that's it so far and I feel totally okay with it.

Only thing I'm disappointed with these days is the fact that I waited until there are two weeks of school to start doing any schoolwork... in a few days, it's gonna be meltdown time.

But in the meantime, it's fun time.

Indulging (and happy)

I should remember all the sweet things P says to me and does for me. Like when he calls and says: 'hi pretty!' and when he says: 'thanks for making my day better!'

I bought him an awesome sweater at the Salvation Army the other day. A little on the hip side, but still, made in Italy, wool, sweet 50s style, perfection. He seemed like 'uhhh' when he opened it, but he was like 'i'll wear it because you bought it for me'. Then again, I would do the same for him.

I feel happy-happy, like a little bird, tweetin' about.

This is how I feel

TIGER HUG!

I wish I was Bruce Spingsteen.

He is the coolest.