Some better, some worse

Things have gotten significantly better since my last post. I have been seeing a therapist and P and I are in a great place. We have been for the past few months. I don't know if it's because he worked so much overtime in October, November, December, but I think absence made both our hearts grow fonder. I am more patient about the state of the house and he takes more initiative with tidying up. Somehow we've met in the middle.

I am writing now, not only to update since the last gloomy blog post, but also because I was really kind of shaken by my neighbour. Maybe i'm totally blowing this out of proportion, but I'm writing it down because if it is all my head, then putting it here will get it out. I approached my neighbour, with whom I am normally in good standing with. We chit chat when we cross paths, she is also from the Maritimes, so that created a short bonding moment and we seem to have things in common (like our desire to can things in the summer). Tonight I approached her because the Hydro Quebec man came to my door to change the mechanical meters to "smart" (ie. wireless) meters. We have six meters that live in our basement, directly below our bedroom. If I was in my old apartment, where the meters lived 3 floors below me in a garage, I wouldn't be writing this blog post.

Now call me paranoid, but if I can have one less wireless signal in my life, I'll do something to make that happen. Yes, I am writing this from my laptop which is connected to our wifi, but there's something about the fact that Hydro Quebec is imposing this on us, that just makes this all too much for me. Yes, they say it's a lower signal than cell phones, but if this is so negligible, than why are countries and provinces refusing the implementation of these "smart" meters? Yes, i've done my research. Yes, the Canada Health pages say there's no problem, but there's something in me that's just doesn't feel right about this.

I approached my neighbour because another neighbour upstairs emailed me concerned about the same things. Trying to be polite and not too "are you for or against this?",  I asked her if she wanted to be apart of the conversation since a few of the other tenants wanted to approach the landlord. She said, as the hydro guy said, "well the it's not the landlord's decision, they have nothing to do with it" -- funny, that I would think to consult the landlord about a permanent change to their building, how silly of me... gee.. I guess i'll just make all the decisions for all future tenants.

ok ok. Cool it, Adèle. This makes me mad because I felt ridiculed. The comment that followed her statement about all the research she did about the meters really got me fuming inside, she said, "well, I let the hydro guy replace the meters today, so it's already in the building". It's already in the building? Are you saying that like a threat? It felt like a comment that totally dismissed any of my concerns and diminished them to hokey pokey. It felt like a comment so above my concerns. She followed it up with : (looking at her iPad) "well, I'm really pro technology so we've got a wireless haven in there. We're pretty much rewiring our daughters brain".

Uhmm.. good for you? Something about her comment just felt so weird. I'm good at identifying when someone is not saying what they mean to say, but I'm terrible at calling them on it, and I don't really know how to respond because I want to respond to what I know they want to say, but they aren't saying it. So i'm left feeling really weird.

Anyway, it took a hip opening yoga session in my basement to calm me down.

I feel sad that P is sort of unaffected by the replacement of the meters. Usually we play for the same team, but this time he's not bothered whereas cancer-on-both-sides-of-the-family me is a little more invested. He still listens to me, but his uh-huhs aren't exactly a rallying cry.

Oh well, I guess I can't have it all. The meters will probably go up, but if I can delay it great. Then good luck finding an apartment in Montreal where they haven't already been installed.

Sometimes I hate this world.

Geez.. now if that's not a gloomy ending I don't know what is.

I also wanted to write this post to get back into the writing thing. I feel I've seriously neglected my output and, if anything, it's really nice to look back on older posts. So I should be better about keeping some things written, even if it is only stupid meters.

On that note, here's to more blogging.

what got me here

I made an appointment to meet with a therapist.

P and I have been living together for two months, and I'm not going to lie, it's been tough. I'm not sure how to follow this sentence. I don't want to say something that puts the blame on him, but I don't want to exaggerate the blame on myself either. So let's just say no body's to blame, it's just an adjustment period. An adjustment period with more arguments than we've ever had.

It makes sense, for the last 4.5 years, we've seen each other only when we wanted to, usually once per week and the weekend. We each had out own space and our own ways of doing things. Now all that is shared.

I find myself being so critical, so 'this is the way to do this properly', so obsessed with efficiency that I point out things, that in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter.

Also, I've been having these waves every month or so. It's a wave of feminism that causes a great deal of tension between me and P. I've had a conversation with V about this before, I said something like 'he's not aware enough about women's issues' or 'he doesn't care enough about women's issues' and 'if I ever have a daughter, I don't want to impose all this awareness (and anxiety) about women's issues onto her, but I don't want to pretend like the world is fair to women, I want her to do what she wants to do even if it isn't fair'. V said something like 'yes, but if P inherently thinks men and women are equal, he will never tell his daughter she can't do something, the thought won't even cross his mind'.

True.

But it still makes me mad, when I feel guilty about talking about some feministy sounding thing, or that I want to watch a documentary about the misrepresentation of women in the media (Missrepresentation, the movie) and I feel like I have to ask permission and make sure it's okay. And then I feel too awkward and guilty afterwards to ask him what he thought about it because I know he's thinking I'm going to pounce on whatever he says (which might be true sometimes). But sometimes I think he's so unaware of what he's saying.

It's just that for the last few days I've really been thinking about if our values are aligned on this issue or not, and how important it is to me.

Jesus, why do i have a lump in my throat while writing this?

Part of me feels like I can't really talk to him. That he doesn't want to hear what I'm thinking, unless it's legitimate enough to warrant emotion. If it's something that causes me to worry, I should keep it to myself.

Yes, I know I have my own issues to deal with, hence the therapist appointment, but i feel like he never looks at himself and what he could improve. If I told him "i feel like i can't talk to you about things that worry me", he'd say "of course you can" and I'd say "but i don't feel like I can" he'd say "well, i can't do anything about that' instead of wondering "maybe there's something I'm doing that's making her feel this way".

If it horrible that sometimes I wish I could just say "when i say somethings worrying me, just respond like this (insert comforting words here)". Does that mean I just want him to be a yes-man? Isn't that the least feminist thing I could do? I kind of hate that saying "a happy wife is a happy life", I feel like it's bullshit, but I worry I'm buying into it somehow.

I don't know what to do with all these thoughts, and these stories that I'm telling myself. So I'm going to see a therapist who does individual and couples, and who specializes in self-esteem and has a feminist penchant.

I need to get this under control.

Magic

Last posted in July? Yikes.

I've been having a hard time being in the present lately. But this one, I really felt it:

:) Love that guy.

everything's gonna be alright

Just another post to remind myself what a good life I have, how incredibly lucky I am, and how I shouldn't take it for granted. I shouldn't let myself get bogged down by fear, I shouldn't let myself hide behind episode after episode of Beverly Hills, 90210. I know i'm just watching them because i'm scared of trying to do what I actually want to do... build websites, build designy things, read about information architecture.

I need to focus on getting rid of this fear..

love

This is another email to remind myself how far I've come from when I started this blog. All the ups and down, which have settled over the last few years.

Today I feel like my love for P and with P is more multi-faceted than ever. It feels richer than before, kind of like how the essence of banana becomes stronger as it matures. Don't you like that analogy? I'm a romantic through and through, isn't it obvious?

But in all seriousness, I've had a couple of moments recently when I thought to myself "a few years ago, this would have been a thing that was hard for me to say, or hard for us to talk about" but now, we've just reached a point of understanding and calmness that is really nice.

I do have occasional lingering fears about "settling into a rut" which, I think is more in my nature than P's, because I just like being comfortable, but I think this awareness is helping me from settling too much. I still have that drive to do fun things, and to put effort into our activities, which is really nice.

Seeing as this is the longest relationship in my whole life, I'm kind of surprised that I still feel such energy after 3 years. I think it's a good sign.

In other news, I'm still struggling with self-worth... but I think it'll be a life long struggle, so here's a reminder to myself.

ADELE: today, remember that you felt SO loved. a deep kind of love. remember that you felt love for someone else. Remember that you are loved. Don't question it. Accept it.

I know I know

I should be writing more. I know. I was so glad the other day that I could just pop back two years and see how I was feeling. Now I don't keep track and I'm not exactly sure why.

I know there was a period when I didn't want to document the less fun things happening in life... but now everything is wonderful... and I can hardly blame it on not having time...

I just wanted to write here today that I'm very excited about seeing P tonight. We saw each other saturday night and sunday all day. I had just returned from a pretty cool visit to the maritimes. Unusually social, but not exhausting, which is always what I worry social gatherings will be.

Anyway, I saw P less than two days ago, and I've been thinking about him since he left monday morning to go to work, and I just want to see him and squeeze him and kiss him and squeeze him some more!!!

Summer Part 2 of Who Knows...

Once P arrived, all the tensions, worries and anxieties pretty much vanished instantly. I felt a wave of security and warmth come over me.

That night my dad was busy with his tournament, so we decided to grab dinner with my step-mother. This woman has been in my life basically since I was 3 years old. I've never had anything but good feelings towards her. This night though, I realized I didn't even really know her! I had never spent more than half an hour really being with her and talking. I had never gotten to know her as a person. Tonight I did and it was great.

We slept at the family's cottage by the ocean, with the stale house kind of smell, but somehow it was perfect. 

The next day we putted around because of a hard rain storm. We went to Sackville and visited around the area to give P a real sense of Acadia-land. We visited my grandmother's house in Cap-Pelé which has recently been somewhat gutted since she passed away. My grampa was looking great and the house was actually livable, even cute! I loved how he had old pictures of himself when he was 18 on the wall. the house was suddenly less about my (pack rat) grandmother, and more about my stay-out-of-the-spotlight-despite-all-his-accomplishments grampa. He is kind of amazing.

Then we made a curry for dinner -- the first dinner I have ever cooked for my family.

We visited with my mother's mother and then we headed back to my moms place in the backwoods. The sky was huge and full of stars and P was very excited about it. The next day was spent playing with the dogs, the kite and general lazyness.

It was surprisingly relaxing. I was afraid of what P would think of my step-dad, after all the stories he has heard of him. My step-dad was even a little bit more reserved than usual initially, but after a while he realized that P wasn't judging him, and he opened up a little bit, showed P his camera collection and other fun stuff.

I think that is one of P's best qualities, he's always willing to give people a chance. I actually appreciated this more than if he would have banded with me and my past hurt feelings. Because really, I'm gradually letting go of those feelings, and having him bond with me because of them might have been a step in the opposite direction of growth. (Even though I realize that growing is ebb and flow).

In the morning we left for Moncton after a few awkward family photos. I liked how P insisted on taking some. We spent the day with friends in Moncton and had a great old time.

The next day we headed to Hopewell Rocks -- which were more beautiful than I remembered. Hit the road and stopped in Alma for food and St-John for sleep. We hit the border the next day and reached Acadia National Park in the late afternoon.

This lack-of-planning (which I insisted on) was actually really good because it allowed us the flexibility of figuring out when to stop. Ultimately, we struck a perfect balance of planning and no planning for both of us, and my anxieties about it melted almost instantly that day.

Getting to Acadia was perfect. Setup the site, get some food, eat it, go to bed. Wake up early, make food, prepare a lunch, go hiking. The hike was good but once we got to the top of Cadillac mountain I was feeling really sick. We chilled for a bit then headed down. We had planned to do multiple mountains, but after that one, we decided tea and popovers at Jordan's pond would be better.

I was wearing a long purple maxy skirt that day and people kept staring at me -- like staring, I'm not kidding. It was really strange. I guess purple is foreign in Maine.

More to come later....

Summer Part 1 of we'll see

*** I wrote this a few weeks ago with the intention of just pumping it out and publishing it. Suddenly I became really busy, and this story has been left incomplete as many other things have happened. I will finish the series in due course. You'll just have to come back and see. : )

This was one of the craziest summer's of my whole life. Working, interning, trying to have a normal life, trying to relax, trying to figure out if this is the kind of life I want. The answer to that question is: i'm really not sure anymore. Something is pushing me towards a slower pace. I've realized that I can't really function with too much going on in my life. Or, I don't really want to function with too many things going on in my life. It feels like I have this habit now of saying "let me check my schedule and get back to you" when friends ask me to hang out. I don't want to make a lot of money, I just want to enjoy life, and my friends, have time to make meals, not be rushed all the time.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. After this crazy rushed summer, all I was looking forward to was these two weeks of blissful relaxation -- and then the planning started. P comes from a family whose definition of vacation is basically 'do something with every free moment you have', which in some cases is totally great and fine. I come from a family that a) never really took vacations but b) when we did, it was more of a day-by-day kind of thing. Negotiating between planning every day of our ten day trip got me incredibly stressed and panicked before I left. On top of that, I realized my passport was expired 3 days before I was supposed to leave.

Those days were probably the most stressful days of my whole summer.

I left Montreal praying that I would get home and find peace. Usually when I go home there are a few days of activity at the beginning and then it seriously dies down, which i am more than happy about. I can basically spend hours on the couch without saying a word. Bliss. The first day was fine. The second day we went to a small town for my haircut, and shortly after I started feeling strange, head-achey, a little bit irritable, with a sore throat. Went home, went to bed early and woke up the next day feeling worse. We went back to this small town for an errand and I felt it was bad enough to want to see a doctor. We get to the hospital -- no medicare card, I forgot it at the house. Either we pay a 500$ fee (that gets reimbursed) or wait until the next day. We get some stuff from the pharmacy and call it a day.

It was such a strange illness. A sore throat and persistent dry cough (that would end up lasting for about a month). Appearing out of nowhere.

This means the first 3 days I was home were active, sicky, and generally, with me feeling like crap, still worried about what P will think when he comes down for the first time. Because if you're ever been to the Maritimes, you'll know it's pretty boring.

On the saturday, I asked my mom to drive me to my dad's place (1h30 away) to meet P who will arrive sometime around supper time. We get in the car and I am practically fuming from my frustration. What frustration? Who caused this frustration? At the time, I did not know. I just felt it boiling in me. I don't know if it was because I felt like my vacation was out of my hands with all the activities around me, I don't know if it was being sick, I don't know if it was just plain old negativity, or what. We're driving in the car and I'm seriously questioning making a scene. Instead, I cry a little bit under my sunglasses and feel better.

Once we get to my dad's place, I feel instantly better, which is weird, because that's not a feeling I commonly associate with my dad. Usually my mom is my greatest source of comfort. And to be honest, there was nothing that had happened during the time that I spent with her that was frustrating or irritating or anything in particular.. so it was weird to feel this relief.

As soon as I arrive I'm greeted with hugs and welcomes. We sit down outside on the Adirondack chairs and finally I mellow out a just a tiny bit more.

When I was really young my dad played baseball. We would go to his games, cheer him on from our seats and generally have a great time. I don't remember the last time we went to see him play, but it turns out that he has started playing again recently. That weekend he was participating in a tournament and we went to see him play that evening. It was so much fun! The baseball field is all of 5 minutes away from the house, people are cooking burgers and hot dogs, the sun is setting, it was really nice. I was sitting with my stepmother and half brother, who last year, really rubbed me the wrong way. As I sat down with my water bottle next to me, the bottle got knocked by his foot. He immediately apologized and placed it upright. This shocked me. I thought, oh my god, he's acting like a decent person. I know this sounds harsh -- but you'd be surprised how this 12 year old sent me into a frenzy last year. This moment calmed me a little bit more. I knew that I wouldn't have to worry too much about being around him.

P called a few times to get clearer directions (cause when you're in the boonies, even a gps can't save you!) and our tones were always a little curt, he gets stressed when he's unsure where he's going and I had some residual frustration from the previous days. 

More soon...

Summer Preview

I don't like starting my blog post with : "has it already been 2 months since my last post?!". Yes, yes it has. A lot of things have happened since then, most of them good.

I will dedicate the next post to chronicling my summer vacation. Two blissful weeks. But it will have to wait until I get the unabridged collection of images. For now, I leave you with this. 

Basically my heart felt like the kite the whole two weeks.

Time Flies

Has it really been almost two months since my last post? Apparently yes.

I'm going to write this one down for me to remember a thing or two:

Time is a precious, precious thing. All the insecurities, doubts, questions I had a few months ago are gone. Why is that? I don't know, but I'm beginning to realize the most important thing anyone could do for themselves is appreciate that every day brings new challenges, and there is as much negative as there is positive in them.

Don't forget friends. I've been feeling like i'm sorely neglecting most of my friendships lately. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to too many people in the last few months. But I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it (see above), things will fall into place. There's no need to hold anything so tightly you choke it to death.

When something's wrong -- eating right is the best thing ever! I may be able to live without yoga for a couple of weeks, but living without tasty food is not a life.

I feel like there's a bunch of other things I should remember, but right now I'm not feeling anxious enough to want to absolutely think them up and write them down. Calm calm calm -- can never be overrated.

I may be feeling more chipper than usual because I feel like the summer is progressing, like a chapter just ended (ie. an internship), and I have a little break before starting up again.

Things with P are kind of magical right now. Our communication has significantly improved, in subtle ways, but still for me, this feels like we're making strides. The other night after going to an outdoor art thing that turned out kind of lame we ended up on his front steps eating ice cream sandwiches, drinking orange juice from the box and just talking. I don't remember about what, but I remember feeling extremely relaxed (when previously I might've felt tense). I think everything that happened this year has brought us to a good place. I think I made him understand that all I wanted for him was happiness, and I think now I understand that I just need to let things happen. I feel very secure in this relationship right now, even though a few months ago, I didn't so much.

It's also crazy how that security is often just questioned by my own issues -- like my boredom, my stress, my own insecurities. I kind of hate that... but I guess being aware of it is better.

Right now, I can summarize my attitude in this example: it's like seeing that it's pouring rain outside, but thinking "it's okay, I'll get there and change into dry clothes". It's about committing to the ride in the rain. Committing to being okay about it -- cause really, fussing about it isn't really that practical.

I'm up for it.

Weekend Getaway

This weekend I spend the whole long weekend at P's place in NDG. It was like a little vacation away from home. It was really nice to spend all that time together, but then again, I already knew it would feel like that!

We spent the lovely sunny weekend making food, talking walks, planting our herbs into bigger pots, and doing a giant Spring cleaning. First, you must know (if you don't already) that i'm a neat-neat-neat freak. Even worse than a few years ago. Almost as bad as my mom. Going to P's place had become a little, stressful for me... the dust, the dirt, the dishes! I had been asking him to let me help him tidy up his place, but week after week he rejected my offer. Finally, with no prospect of sun (after a week straight of rain, looking towards another week of rain is probably what made him crack), we spent our time inside scrubbing the kitchen floor, cleaning the counter, putting all the dishes in place, washing cruddy towels, and finally cleaning the bathroom sink. Although the weekend turned out to be beautiful, staying inside, putting a little bit of elbow grease into his place turned out to be really fun and satisfying.

I get a bizarre thrill from seeing dirty things shine after a quick wipe of a cloth.

A few weeks ago I had a few more pangs of doubt, but now, somehow they subsided. I kind of hate how my head/heart does that, but I guess it makes sense. Being okay with the ebbs and flows, that's the whole point.

Today I feel rested, and rejuvenated, with a little pang of missing P.

"You're too far"

Something has shifted recently and I finally put my finger on it. P and I have had our fair share of ups and downs recently, testing our usually smooth sailing relationship more than ever.

I feel like we've both grown a little more through them. This week we met up on wednesday to work on a project together (see even this is somewhat new!) and at some point while sitting on the couch watching the hockey game he said "you're too far". I was sitting right next to him! With my legs on his lap! I was right there, yet this was too far. These are the kind of things that are so sweet it makes my heart melt. This kind of I-can't-get-enough-of-you moment. That's when I knew, things were back to normal.

I've been feeling way more secure and generally we've been really synchronized. And it's times like these that I really know the effect that school stress has on me. During the whole winter we were not synchronized, and now that the crappy stress is gone -- boom! we're back!

Feels good.

My life

Right now there are a couple of words that summarize my life for the last few weeks:

Jamie Oliver
Food
Work
Food
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations
Moment Factory
Blogs
Food
Food blogs
lack of sleep.

Not so bad.

I've been out of the blogging mood lately. Not sure why. Fatigue probably. but I hope I can start it up again in a week or so...

fingers crossed.

Mam

it's my mom's birthday in two days. for some reason i feel really emotional about it. she's turning 50, but she's still the most stylish person i know.

soulmates. she's my soulmate.

it's about time

Wow... no posts for the past 20 days...

I even thought about retiring this little old blog.. it made me sad to think that I had reached a point that I wanted to avoid my thoughts. So I decided not to retire it, and somehow, here I am.

A lot has happened in the last 20 days. P and I are still together. We broke up temporarily for one night, but went back on our decision. There's something holding us together, i'm sort of struggling to figure out what it is, and sort of okay with not knowing.

All of my thoughts and feelings these days are dictated by this incredible stress i'm feeling about school...

So much stress I can't even really articulate thoughts anymore. So far it has just affected my brain, not my attitude.

More on this.. in small doses.

I found it

I had been looking for my compassion for a few days now, and i finally found it.

I realized everything that's going on with P is putting a lot of pressure on me. I've decided to stop thinking about it for a few days and let the answer come to me when i'm ready.

We had dinner last night and everything felt fine. Not superb, obviously, but generally good.

There's also part of me which wants to at least enjoy a little bit of the fact that he's now day-shift, and what it would be like to have a relationship on a normal schedule.

I deserve that. I want to know what it feels like. And I want to stop pressuring myself to make a decision because it's not making it any easier on me.

Just go with the flow. New mantra.

boys just want to have fun

I've got too many thoughts in my head to write out something that makes sense.

P and I were on a break this week. We came back this weekend and I asked him what he thought about this week. He said 'it's simple, I just want to have fun'.

Too much confusion ensued for me to make sense of it here. I've never come so close to saying 'I can't do this'.

We're speaking two different languages and i'm scared that i'm going to end this because something gets lost in translation.

I say I have no expectations, I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me, I want to take it one day at a time, I want to be in this 100% until it lasts -- for however long that may be.

He says I want to have fun.

Are we saying the same thing in different words?

I have so many questions. I feel like i'm floating. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I've been talking like I know what it's like to be in a relationship... and now i'm rethinking the whole thing. Where we ever in a relationship?

I don't know what to do... this situation has become so complicated I can't even find my compassion.

after a quiet week...

outcomes

I don't like that i've stopped writing here. Sometimes I worry about documenting things as they happen because it makes them feel too real.

P and I are on a break this week.

It was brought on by my asking him what i'm supposed to do with the thing he said in december about him not seeing me in his future. I've been feeling something about his position in the relationship for months, and it was confirmed on saturday when he said he didn't know what he wanted. His internal conflict is also related to his own idea of what love is..

I asked him to sleep on it, and told him I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

I know my limits. I know what answer I need to move forward with him. We'll see what happens on saturday. I'm ready for any outcome.

bouch-bée

Mad Men season four makes me a little bit sad...