The middle!

Two days away from having 3/8ths of my master's done.

One paper to go.

Nice.

Backing Off

Things are going remarkably well these days, I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due by friday and i just started my research tonight. Normally, a major crisis would be happening right now, but instead, I'm only having mild panic attacks.

I've decided I'm going to write my papers my way, about what I care about: compassion, doing good, bringing positivity to the most people possible. Taking it this way makes me feel genuinely excited about these things.

In other news, I had a minor internal tension towards P the other day. I got all rattled up because he doesn't eat as well as I think he should. I know, I know.. "i think he should" is very dangerous territory to trek and I'm trying my hardest to stay away.

I should say though, that he has come around to Jamie Oliver. He has made a number of recipes on his own and really liked them.

I know it's not up to me to feed him, and I don't want to do anything that resembles being a mother, but it makes me sad when he only eats once per day and doesn't take the time to get groceries to eat better. He says it's because he's busy, but... are adults less busy? are adults with full time jobs less busy? are adults with full time jobs and kids less busy? The answer is no, you have to make time to take care of yourself. It makes me sad because I know he enjoys cooking, but I guess he enjoys sleeping and working more than cooking.. for now anyway.

He'll be switching to day shift next week. A whole year of night shift is now coming to an end. Suddenly he's seeing all the benefits of working nights.

I don't like all the negativity I'm hearing in this post, but I had to get it off my chest. I care about him a lot, but he is his own person, and I know he does not like to be told what to do, so I have to back off... and I think that might not be as easy for me as I think.

I suppose I have my own control issues here...

Advice to myself:

Choo-Choo!

That's the sound of a train. I was that train today, happily, and more importantly, productively, chugging along an endless list of work.

Why do I know how good I feel when I do my schoolwork, yet I spend, hours upon hours wasting time not doing that schoolwork? Is it because I like the pressure of getting everything done close to the wire? I never thought I was one of those people, since I shudder at the thought of improvisation. I need to be prepared for school stuff to feel good and satisfied, and happy in some sense.

Today was a great day. I hope I can kick myself into gear tomorrow to have another one.

New Blog!

I've started a design blog. Somewhere for me to expand my ideas about design and keep track of my development.

I haven't worked out the kinks, but I like it minimalist.

This blog will still go on, cause i'm still going to need a place to vent and be neurotic, but the other blog might be a little more put-together. Or at least I hope it will be.

Check it out.

http://adeleflannery.tumblr.com/

Baby Posters!

Posters are really awesomely fun to make, especially when they're in a series. Series are awesome. It's really fun and tricky to make something different but cohesive.

For Bummis I tried to stay in primary colors but make it a little grown up. The posters they had in the past have been... atrocious. I think these are an improvement.



Baby-land is seriously lacking some smart design. Strollers, highchairs, clothes, toys, most of them are kind of offensive to look at with all their colors and strange shapes. It seems like no thought whatsoever has gone behind it. Of course, there are some exceptions, but in general, it's a pretty sad state of affairs.

I should really be working on the assignments that are due and not thinking about the bad design of baby-land..

Food!

At first glance, I have trouble swallowing art that relates to food, and more specifically wasting food. This woman's art (and profession) is pretty interesting. I also like her candidness. When she says at the end that she's forty, I'm like 'waaaa?'. People like that make me excited to get older.

I like this place called Eataly in New York. Superstar chef Mario Batalli is involved. I had never heard of it until now, but it looks very cool.

Jennifer Rubell - An Artist Who Uses Food as Her Canvas from Gestalten on Vimeo.

Rooms!

More photoshop playing...

Before:


After:


I get it, I get it, I get it. I think..

New Understanding

I finally understand why my blog looks so different (read: not as cool) than other blogs.

Enter: Canon 7D.

Eureka! It's all in the camera. Now I understand how those shallow-focus, slightly over-exposed pictures that I find so beautiful are taken!



Okay, so my pictures aren't that pretty (besides the pretty content), but I see the potential of the camera!

I managed to get P to see that the true purpose of him getting this camera was to jump-start his food photography career. He says it's for that movie stuff he does, but I know the truth.



I've decided we're going to be the next Tastespotting: I make the food, he snaps away. Here we have a lovely breakfast with scrambled eggs, a mélange of stir-fried veggies seasoned with rosemary, decadent molasses raisin-bread, and my own concoction, yogurt filled apple with almonds and a drizzle of maple syrup. Very pretty, very tasty.

Here I am attempting some Apartment Therapy-style photography. Not quite as nice, and not staged enough, but I'd still say it's a pretty cute bedroom!



Now that I see this picture, I wonder if there aren't a few things that should change... the lampshade, I wonder what it would look like with a chevron pattern in grey. I have been wanting to paint the wall behind my bed grey for the longest time. I never get around to asking the landlord if I can or not. I also still have to figure out how to wax my bed.

Today is such a strange and beautiful day. It's grey, but still sunny. A golden-late-afternoon kind of sun.

Yesterday P and I went skating on the mountain. I found these old skates in the backroom and thought I might as well give them a try instead of renting some. Turns out they work perfectly (almost -- they could use a little sharpening). I think i'm going to try to get us out doing sports more often. It's really fun, and I like when P says things like "You skate better than Simon!".

Lately we've been spending almost all our weekends together. It's really nice. It feels sort of like what it would if we lived together. Or, since i've never lived with a boyfriend I don't actually know what that would feel like, but I imagine it's something like this.

I've also been dreaming about what I could so if my apartment went for sale and I could renovate it. Something gorgeous I'm telling you. Breaking down walls, bigger kitchen, more light, expand the balcony, make the bathroom a little bigger. Put two kids in my room (because it has two closets), adults in the double room with fire place, install some kind of closet system there (since there are none now, seal the door between it and the other room, make that an office with the balcony, keep the living-room as is but devote it to cozy couches and chairs. Beautiful!

I don't know what i'll do if I ever have to leave this place. It feels part of the life I wish to have.

Here's a picture I played with in photoshop. I'm not sure if it's an improvement or not... but I like it. I think I made it look like the way I saw it in my mind. The original was much flatter and washed out.

Pretty!



So much creativity! If only I could channel it into my studies...

Satisfaction

I've been feeling exceptionally good for the last few days. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has something to do with being (somewhat) on top of things at school, doing yoga, and trying to eat down-home-simple foods (butternut squash anyone?).

When I got back from the Maritimes I had this crazy tension-pain in my shoulders, and some kind of inability to deal with it with yoga. I was avoiding yoga. Finally I went to a class and had lots of feelings of fear of hurting myself and not wanting to sink into the positions (aka letting go). I've been to a few classes in the last weeks and the tension-pain is gone. Last night I was able to sink in/ let go a little more.

Another fun thing is that I feel really good creatively. The project last weekend, the chair I've found, just the general handy-craft vibe is incredibly satisfying. Also though, perhaps it's getting a bit of recognition from other people for my work. A few tuesdays ago I went to a friend's house to remodel her living room with her. It was super fun and she keeps telling me how much she likes it, tells her friends about it, gets compliments, etc etc. We're thinking of tagging up sometimes during her doula gigs. If she recognizes a home in need of some attention, she might give me a call to come help out. That would be super awesome and nice to do.

I'm also still dabbling with the graphic design and thinking about making some kind of website/blog to keep track of all my files and my evolution.

I've made two tentative posters for the colloquium and i'm unsure which I like best.



The one on the left seems to say 'hello, i'm nice and interesting, you should come to this event if you can make it', whereas the right says 'hey, look at me, come to this thing'.

Something about making posters is incredibly satisfying.

The Rack and the Chair

P and I spent the weekend plugging away at a shoe-rack for his hallway. It's too bad we didn't take a 'before' picture, but we did snap a few 'afters'.





Pretty nifty! It's almost like the shoes are floating. It was a design I found on Apartment Therapy that looked like this:



It makes me want to make some for my apartment too, we have just the right space for it.

In the meantime, I "found" an Eames/Herman Miller-style chair in the street tonight. It's in rough shape, but I'm excited with the idea of refinishing it since i've read so many blogs about refinishing them and they always look awesome.

I also baked a chocolate-beet loaf with a friend from school this morning. Surprisingly good!

Also, I just want to say: I've never had a clementine with leaves on it in my life until about one month ago, and it's the best thing i've ever tasted. I will never go back to box clementines!

School is about to kick-start into high gear, all I want to do right now is sleep.

More fun to come.

New Ambition

I want to be a design historian someday!

Leadership

There is part of me right now that is fuming!

A school association that I am a part of has a student colloquium every year. I was super excited about this. Imagine, students and professors getting together, sharing ideas, moving archival studies forward, pushing their own limits.

We had a meeting in december where we discussed possible themes. I remember the one proposed being a mouthful, and not quite as snappy as it could be. I made a suggestion at the time which, to me, sounded like a better idea (it was Impact: Archival practices and society). Now a few weeks go by and emails are sent out saying the theme is being 'fine tuned' and this is what they come up with: A Variety of Archival Practices and Shifting Achival Paradigms. Now to me, this says: a bunch of stuff being done at a bunch of different times. Basically it says nothing. It's embarrassing.

So, thinking it's no big deal if I remind them of my proposed theme, or at least its structure (ie. choice word with subheading) I write to the group. All too quickly it starts what I can only describe as a shit storm, about work not being appreciated, about disrespect, about bad timing, about this and about that.

I'm thinking, dudes, I didn't question the effort you put into this lame title, I'm questioning whether or not this title is inspiring, or at the very least, saying something. Emails go back and forth and only one other person agreed with me. Hello fish out of water!

The thing that bugs me is that this colloquium has so much potential of saying something, but these guys are setting such low standards (perfectly exemplified by their speakers list -- professor at UQAM, really?).

There's part of me that think this lack of creativity on the part of the organizers is a symptom of a larger problem that is the lack of leadership in archival studies. These people have such an awesome opportunity to say something, but they don't. They are conservativeness personified.

I said something in one email like "wouldn't a colloquium titled Archives and Politics be cool and inspiring!?" and the response I got was 'nobody would want to speak at a colloquium with that topic'. I don't know if i'm more upset about this response, or the fact that it might be true.

I am really trying to find the compassion in this situation, to let go, and not get caught up in who's right and who's wrong, but it's really hard.

Comparing the conference to the one in Toronto is another thing. They are in their third year (we are in our forth) and they have a much more dynamic and exciting format and topic.

Thinking about this stuff is depressing. Thinking about wanting to change things is depressing. Thinking about the status quo is depressing.

I would like to think about taking over for next year, but I think i'm a lone soldier and no-one would support me in my journey...

Internal Conflict

I'm having huge conflicts in myself about what to invest in (with my hypothetical money, of course). My interest in furniture is really blossoming, and particularly for locally-made or ecologically-friendly pieces which tend to be on the pricey side.

There's part of me that believes investing in furniture, clothing, or even art, is vain and materialistic. Then there's the other part of me that just wants to be surrounded by carefully crafted, beautiful things -- everything from furniture to cutlery.

Something outside of me says that investing in experiences, such as trips, is more reasonable, or have a longer positive impact. But then again I think "hey, sitting in a fabulous chair every night can also have an awesome impact!" Particularly when it looks like this Olivier Desroches chair:



With a nice throw blanket and a good book; what's not to love!?

There is this other idea floating around in my head about patience, carefully assembling collections... but, it takes so much time to 'fall on' a great piece. Thrifting takes devotion!

Anybody out there have thoughts on this?

Strange Things People Say

We had a goodbye party this weekend at P's place for one of his friends (and I made the best playlist of my life). His friend's girlfriend, whom I've seen many many times, but never actually talked to struck up a conversation with me at some point.

It started harmlessly enough, but then turned a little bit strange. She wanted to know what I really thought of P's mom, because she has interacted with her over the many years she's been around and over that period of time, has formulated her own views. The way I see it, his Mama is very complicated to me. So generous and giving, but sometimes it seems to veil high expectations which often creates high pressure situations. I'm pretty easy going with her. I don't have a strong personality in the same way that this girl does, so I suppose that makes things easier for me. I usually feel like because she does so much for me, I should basically do whatever she wants me to do. She never asks for the Moon or anything, but maybe just a higher level of energy than I usually float on.

Since P and I are still in a young relationship, this kind of thing can go on and on as she pleases. I suppose the tricky part comes (as with anyone) when kids enter the picture. I'd be curious to see how that plays out, should it ever happen.

But the weird thing that made me want to post today is this thing the girl said: "You know, it seems like P's really in it with you. The relationship will only end if you decide it has to." Or something to this effect.

I really don't know how to interpret this. I'm not sure I believe it. But frankly, I just find it a really weird thing to say! So much so that I'm not really sure how I feel about the statement.

Am I somehow supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to feel in control?

It's just too weird. It's like saying to someone that they've succeeded in whipping their boyfriend. That their boyfriend is somehow their property now.

I don't want to whip anyone, or to own anyone. Or to be whipped or owned.

In other news: a children's book about Audrey Hepburn -- how about that!

Nice.

I like the part when he talks about how there's no common style thread anymore, how anything goes, and how attitudes change over time. I was wondering if where we were going fashion-wise in this new decade, since the last one was a recycling of previous ones. I guess not knowing is okay too.

Long-distance Relationship

This table makes me faint.



I think I'm in love.

All Coming Together

I haven't posted for a while, that much is obvious.

Lots of things have been happening, few seem meaningful enough to write about.

Basically, November and half of December are a fog to me -- school stress in general. I plugged through my papers and exams and ultimately passed everything. I'm still sort of stunned that everything got done.

One weekend in December, P and I went to his parents' place. It was strange for me, I was overcompensating for something I didn't know at the time. P had been going through some things, some life changes and stresses. We had a conversation and it quickly boiled down to him not knowing if he saw me in his future or not. During the conversation I was strangely calm. I absorbed everything, even though I was hurt. This line sent some insecurities off in me, but also explained a lot of P's recent behavior (a bit distant, a bit less enthusiastic).

We shared a few more moments before I left to go to the Maritimes, and they were always falling short of (let's face it) my expectations. The time that I was at home, I was distracted by all these thoughts in my head. Mostly, I was feeling ashamed. I felt like I've talked to my girlfriends about their relationships and pointed out the moment when they needed to exit a thousand times, but now, I was in this situation, wondering if I was convincing myself of things, wondering if I was in denial about others, and wondering if my relationship would blow up in my face. I regret if i've ever made anyone feel like I knew something they didn't, because clearly, I don't. Now I fully appreciate how a relationship's uniqueness is matched only by the uniqueness of the needs of the ones in it.

I left the trip home earlier than usual to come back and spend new year's with P, and also to potentially talk to him about what I was feeling. I got home, and somehow, everything was fixed. He was really present, attentive, affectionate, enthusiastic and all the other good things I feared had gone away. I didn't want to bring anything up at that time, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say, but I knew it would come back to bite me in the butt. I resolved to bring the issues up at another time.

That time was this past weekend. Another strange comment was made that brought those not-so-old feelings back up to the surface and that did it. I told him everything I could remember from the things I thought before: "when does this future begin? do you understand that it makes me uneasy? what do these comments mean? I feel like you don't really mean them, but they are symptoms of something else. Can't we just take it one day at a time? Etc. etc." I don't remember what was said, but basically it was an honest and open conversation and it made me feel better.

I feel better today, I feel like everything that needed to be said was said, and I understand which parts of this conversation are related to me and which are related to him.

This whole weekend pre-conversation (I kept it until the very last minute, of course), we spent working on one of his projects for his friends. They used to make movies in their teens (several in fact) and he wanted to finish backgrounds in a few and make DVD menus for them all. He asked me if I wanted to design the menus. Of course! Now that i've been equipped with a new laptop (a refurbished macbook, decked out with extra RAM and all the Adobe software I could dream of -- courtesy of sweet P) I was eager to put it to work. It was really fun working side by side. He would teach me a few things, I would show him what I knew, and all in all I think something cool came out of it.

It also gave me a chance to see his skills. He showed me this image, which was a collage of images (a temple, some stairs, some mossy statues, trees, bushes) from all different sources, and throughout the day he just photoshopped the whole thing into one image. It looked real! I was really amazed. Now I don't know how I will ever trust anything I see on film.

In other news, school is better and more interesting this semester which makes me keener to be organized. I had an interview at my dream job (Moment Factory) and I'm pretty sure i've landed an internship for the summer.

I've been working a lot on some graphic stuff for school and work, which is awesome. It's amazing how much energy I have to do this stuff.

I went to yoga tonight for the first time since December -- it was rough. I feel like i've taken 100000 steps back. I'm scared (of hurting myself, or my knees) and tense and not as stretchy... i've got to get back into it and now!

I wish I would've made this poster:



Instead I made this one:

Strange Fruit

I had a strange feeling last night. The word that came to mind was Compassion. I realized I didn't know what it meant anymore. And that meant I wasn't applying it as a guiding principle of my life anymore. This was not a fun realization.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go around being zen or anything and calling it compassion, but there is a sense of inner peace that I usually have that has somehow escaped me. The direct result of this is drama in my head.

I realized I had so many expectations for this year, for this school, for me in school, and they've all promptly blown up in my face. I'm also confronting how I cope with these disappointments. I think there's part of me that doesn't like to admit how much I rely on the people around me. And now I just feel like an island, in the middle of nowhere, lost, unsure and disappointed in myself for having had so many expectations, from my school, from the people around me, and from myself.

I'm not living up to the ones I set for myself, and what's happening is that I'm relocalising that disappointment to other places in my life... notably with P, lately anyway.

I've been feeling like he's very distant. I've had this feeling for a few weeks. I think it's the feeling of the novelty wearing off. He just doesn't seem as enthusiastic as before and I don't know if it's related to me or something else. I just feel that there isn't the same level of effort as before, in the sense that, previously, every email I sent, no matter how aimless, got a response. I feel he's not as affectionate as usually -- and he was extremely affectionate, so any decrease is instantly noticeable. I sort of confronted the issue last night in a strange conversation I didn't want to have for a while. Somehow we were talking about moving. He asked me, not seriously, if I wanted to move in with him. I answered no, because his room is too small, and suggested, not seriously, that he move in with me, because I have two closets. He said, no and that he needed his own space and didn't see himself in this appartment, and that he didn't feel he was at a point in his life when he thought he wanted to move in with me, and then said, not seriously, it'll never work. Something in that touched a nerve. I immediatly turned away, and while he was making sweet sounds to lure me back, I said 'you're always pushing me away'. Then he asked for some examples (not in those words, but that was the general idea) and I couldn't find any. I said it was a feeling. I said I felt like I was always making things happen. Then he started listing things... New York - my idea, South Caroline - his parents idea, the cocktail party - my idea, etc. I think he saw that I made a point. Today we went out for breakfast at Beauty's before I had to get to school. He said 'are you going to the Maritimes this summer?' I said yes. He said 'do you want to go by car?' (implying that he would come too) and then he talked about wanting to go to Halifax and saying that I could pick where I wanted to go. The conversation felt like he was trying to make up for something. I don't know if I should be happy about that.. or what.

I feel like good relationships take some kind of effort to keep them awesome. And I feel like right now I'm carrying most of the load. I accept that people go through things and sometimes they need their partner to carry their load for a little bit, but.. there's something in that that makes me feel like i'm not a partner.. i'm just there.. carrying something.

I just don't feel connected. To anyone. Or anything. So I don't know if this distance is actually in him, or if it's just my perspective that is skewed.

I feel like I need people around me because I can't get everything from him, nor do I want to.. but there's no-one around (for their own good reasons, no doubt).

For the first time in my life, I feel like people at school don't want to be friends with me. That makes me go on the defensive and think 'well i don't want to be friends with you anyway!'.

I don't like that feeling.

I'm not being compassionate. I'm disappointed in myself for being able to be. I'm disappointed that I had so many expectations.

I'm trying to accept all this with an open heart. Being compassionate towards myself is the first step and I know it... but somehow I'm blocked and everything is dramatic.

Okay, That's It!

I just want this semester to be over!

aaaaaaaaah

Why can't I focus for more than 8 seconds?! Why do I suddenly care about people from high school on facebook?

aaaaaaaaah

Over. Now!

Baby Crazy

Lately, every time I get really stressed, my mind goes automatically into baby-mode. I don't know why my brain is wired like this, but I keep thinking "If I had a baby, none of this stuff would matter and I would be able to push every aside and devote myself completely to this little life". But the hard, cold reality is that would no happen. I would have all the same stresses, but a baby on top of it!

I really want these baby cravings to go away. Having a baby at my age, and in my situation would not be awesome. I would want my partner to be happy and excited about it -- and this would not be the case, I think. Or, I mean maybe, but probably not.

Go away baby thoughts! go away!