Strange Fruit

I had a strange feeling last night. The word that came to mind was Compassion. I realized I didn't know what it meant anymore. And that meant I wasn't applying it as a guiding principle of my life anymore. This was not a fun realization.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go around being zen or anything and calling it compassion, but there is a sense of inner peace that I usually have that has somehow escaped me. The direct result of this is drama in my head.

I realized I had so many expectations for this year, for this school, for me in school, and they've all promptly blown up in my face. I'm also confronting how I cope with these disappointments. I think there's part of me that doesn't like to admit how much I rely on the people around me. And now I just feel like an island, in the middle of nowhere, lost, unsure and disappointed in myself for having had so many expectations, from my school, from the people around me, and from myself.

I'm not living up to the ones I set for myself, and what's happening is that I'm relocalising that disappointment to other places in my life... notably with P, lately anyway.

I've been feeling like he's very distant. I've had this feeling for a few weeks. I think it's the feeling of the novelty wearing off. He just doesn't seem as enthusiastic as before and I don't know if it's related to me or something else. I just feel that there isn't the same level of effort as before, in the sense that, previously, every email I sent, no matter how aimless, got a response. I feel he's not as affectionate as usually -- and he was extremely affectionate, so any decrease is instantly noticeable. I sort of confronted the issue last night in a strange conversation I didn't want to have for a while. Somehow we were talking about moving. He asked me, not seriously, if I wanted to move in with him. I answered no, because his room is too small, and suggested, not seriously, that he move in with me, because I have two closets. He said, no and that he needed his own space and didn't see himself in this appartment, and that he didn't feel he was at a point in his life when he thought he wanted to move in with me, and then said, not seriously, it'll never work. Something in that touched a nerve. I immediatly turned away, and while he was making sweet sounds to lure me back, I said 'you're always pushing me away'. Then he asked for some examples (not in those words, but that was the general idea) and I couldn't find any. I said it was a feeling. I said I felt like I was always making things happen. Then he started listing things... New York - my idea, South Caroline - his parents idea, the cocktail party - my idea, etc. I think he saw that I made a point. Today we went out for breakfast at Beauty's before I had to get to school. He said 'are you going to the Maritimes this summer?' I said yes. He said 'do you want to go by car?' (implying that he would come too) and then he talked about wanting to go to Halifax and saying that I could pick where I wanted to go. The conversation felt like he was trying to make up for something. I don't know if I should be happy about that.. or what.

I feel like good relationships take some kind of effort to keep them awesome. And I feel like right now I'm carrying most of the load. I accept that people go through things and sometimes they need their partner to carry their load for a little bit, but.. there's something in that that makes me feel like i'm not a partner.. i'm just there.. carrying something.

I just don't feel connected. To anyone. Or anything. So I don't know if this distance is actually in him, or if it's just my perspective that is skewed.

I feel like I need people around me because I can't get everything from him, nor do I want to.. but there's no-one around (for their own good reasons, no doubt).

For the first time in my life, I feel like people at school don't want to be friends with me. That makes me go on the defensive and think 'well i don't want to be friends with you anyway!'.

I don't like that feeling.

I'm not being compassionate. I'm disappointed in myself for being able to be. I'm disappointed that I had so many expectations.

I'm trying to accept all this with an open heart. Being compassionate towards myself is the first step and I know it... but somehow I'm blocked and everything is dramatic.

Okay, That's It!

I just want this semester to be over!

aaaaaaaaah

Why can't I focus for more than 8 seconds?! Why do I suddenly care about people from high school on facebook?

aaaaaaaaah

Over. Now!

Baby Crazy

Lately, every time I get really stressed, my mind goes automatically into baby-mode. I don't know why my brain is wired like this, but I keep thinking "If I had a baby, none of this stuff would matter and I would be able to push every aside and devote myself completely to this little life". But the hard, cold reality is that would no happen. I would have all the same stresses, but a baby on top of it!

I really want these baby cravings to go away. Having a baby at my age, and in my situation would not be awesome. I would want my partner to be happy and excited about it -- and this would not be the case, I think. Or, I mean maybe, but probably not.

Go away baby thoughts! go away!

Out of Breath

P made an observation the other day when we were sitting around chatting with his parents. I had just spent the day at TEDxMcGill and was feeling a little quiet after all the presentations of the day. I felt like I didn't really want to talk, I just wanted to be with my thoughts. But with parents around, you've always got to be polite, and for some reason, perky. So I talked a bit about my day and the running themes of the presentations. We moved on to some more tense conversations about P's sister, and how she's dealing with the stress of being far away while starting her PhD. Then P's mother revealed some serious details about her own mother. All in all I felt a little uncomfortable, and I guess a little reticent to say much.

What he noticed was that when I was speaking I wasn't breathing. My whole upper body was constricted. It's something i've noticed in yoga. That when i'm doing hard positions I forget to breathe. The teacher often makes a joke of it asking us if we are still breathing. It's a habit that many people have, to forget about breathing through stress. To forget about breathing through every day.

I've noticed I do that every time I start talking about something school-related, and when I talk to my schoolmates. I use every breath to cram so many ideas in my sentence that I end up out of breath at my last word. It's a very strange feeling. I've always reveled in the moments between thoughts... and now i'm choking myself to get every word out -- words that are, frankly, kind of meaningless.

I did the same thing when talking to him about a paper a few days ago.

I find this very strange, and a little bit worrisome. I've never been one of those people who wanted to talk all the time, but I find at school, everyone is like that. They're all chatty, and some can go on and on for hours. So, it's hard to get a word in.

I'm not sure what to do about it... maybe just think more about it, and talk less.

Maturity

On my way home from school today, biking up the Park hill, I realized my previous post was a complete and utter lie. I have not cut my sugar consumption, I've been eating one Camino chocolate bar per day for the last 4 days! Funny how one little good deed (in my case, eating a carrot and drinking ginger tea) erases all the bad little things.

I've been thinking a lot about the way I eat lately. I think I've pretty much kicked the habit of eating out. I've been on this home-cooking thing for a while now, but it's only in the last few months that i've really gone at it, making meals every day that are nutritious and different. Jamie Oliver's got lots to do with that. And now i've discovered Nigella. Domestic Goddess. Something about these English ways makes everything seem so easy-peasy.

The things that have been falling into place are my attitudes I've carried with me on the backburner since my adolescence. I've finally found a place to shelve those body-image worries. Funnily enough, for the first time, ever, in my life I thought 'Geez -- I hope I don't get too thin!' Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near 'too thin', but it's really funny that all these teen worries have finally been mellowed. This is something of a revelation. For those who knew me when I was in my teens, I had as many issues with my body-image as the next girl. Always worried. Always self-deprecating.

I don't want to play the 'blame the parents' card, but really, if they would have pushed me into exercise a little bit more, I think things would have been totally different.

It's funny and a little bit sad that most of the things that I felt so sharply in my teens have had the wind taken out of them. The older I get, the more prespective I have, the more I think about my former self with gentleness and that old 'everybody goes through it' kind of attitude.

I wish we understood that more when we were young. I remember people saying that it would pass, but never really believing them.

So things fall into place as time goes on... how about that?

Falling Into Place

My previous post will be elaborated later. Today I realized the simple joys of ginger. Of course I always new it was delicious, but sometimes we forget these things.

I've been trying and trying and trying to kick my sugar cravings to the curb, and I think today I am a step closer to being okay with be sugar-free. It's amazing how much sugar is in all the things we consume.

Nigella and Jamie are making me appreciate the tangyness of ginger tea, and the sweet crunch of a carrot.

Back to basics baby.

Youth

It's funny how everything falls into place.

Purging

What am I afraid of?

I've been having these meltdowns more frequently lately. I know it's because i'm stressed, about school, but I feel like they're beginning to get out of hand.

What am I afraid of?

Not doing well in school. Being mediocre. Being rejected (especially by scholarship foundations). Being so full of debt that I can't relate to the people around me anymore. Not finding a job I like. Not being strong enough to be proactive about being happy. Losing myself in my stress and fear. Not having ideas about interesting things. Not being curious. Not being ambitious. Losing touch with myself. Losing the people I care about. Being so scared of losing the people I care about that I push them away from me.

Not being able to overcome my fear of expressing my feelings and needs.

I'm afraid that I will be the only source to my unhappiness.

I'm afraid that I silence myself.

--

True fearlessness is not a reduction of fear, but moving beyond it. And discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart.

--

Fears, I acknowledge you. Now let's get on with the show.

Hello Winter

I feel like summer was yesterday, but this morning's snow-covered roofs I saw outside confirmed it was not.

I was talking with Vnss and I told her I felt like being a mom and being paid to blog. All I want to do right now are crafts, cleaning, cooking, rearranging things in the apartment, making things pretty. I had this thought about having a little girl and making dresses for her. Easy ones, since, I can barely stitch.

I didn't work all weekend. I surfed blogs looking for easy d-i-y projects. I made a fabric flower à la Carrie Bradshaw, except mine is made from dark purple velvet (which was not the right fabric for this project). Oh well, next time.

I've been having lots of ideas for projects and things I want to do that are sort of "professional skills" building, but I can't seem to put my finger on any of them. Do I want to start a lecture series? A publication? A one-time event? I'm not 100% sure about any of these like I was about starting the cinema journal last year. I need somewhere to channel this stuff!

P is coming back tomorrow!! I'm so excited!! I almost can't handle it!!

There are too many beautiful things in this world! So many things to share!

Spazzing out 24/7

I put my finger on a few things in the last few days.

I've been feeling generally overwhelmed since I started this program. It's a very powerful feeling. A mixture of fear, doubt, irrational, and some positive things but I can't remember now. That's what I mean. I'm in a constant state of forgetfulness and, as i like to call it, spazzing out. 24. 7.

I don't feel like myself in all this. I'm the one who remembers details. I'm the one who's always on time. I'm the one who makes plans. Not anymore. I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't like this feeling.

And another thing. I'm feeling very strange about communication these days. Most of my good friends are gone from this town, and I find most of the conversations I have in my day-to-day are kind of shallow. I mean, I suppose there's hope with a few people that something will come out of it.. but really, it's just one person, and she has lots of friends, so who knows if i'll fit it.

I feel sad that many of my favourite people are no longer around me, and that i'm not aware of their daily lives. More and more I'm beginning to feel that the only thing you can really be rooted into is yourself, because people come and go, and you have no control over that. And the happiness you get out of life shouldn't necessarily be totally invested in the people around you.

This is a very hard thing for me to say, because i've always believed and known that in life, it didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, as long as the people I loved were around me. Now I don't know what to think anymore... but maybe that's just the grad-school talking.

One thing I do like, is how all this graduate stuff if making me really excited about having a normal life. Cleaning. Cooking. Canning. Being healthy. Being happy with the simple pleasures of life. (Am I turning into a mom already!? uh-oh)

I've been thinking about going to yoga twice per week... that would be super intense for me. Since i've started, i've been walking around more, because my knees don't hurt instantly! I feel like my sanity is always restored when I do yoga. I could use more of that.

I could also use more P. He's in Peru. And although we wouldn't necessarily be spending time together right now, we would be having our little daily chats.

This bed is nice. I like how they prop up their pillows with those big decorative ones.



I really love beds in general. So comfy.

Cheese Please

Did you know fondue is delicious AND fun?

Here I am on P's front steps, ready to go to the market.



The boys walked at a brisk pace -- who wouldn't!? when cheese is involved.



A very serious search began and soon we found...



Cheese!



Definitely worth smiling about.



And voila! Delicious and fun!



Then there was chocolate fondue, what a life!

This week P is in Peru with some friends. It doesn't change much, I suppose it just means my next weekend will be free. Free for me to wrestle with the fourteen-hundred papers I have to write on topics I barely understand.

I should stop wishing time away... I did that a lot during the undergrad and it mostly left me with feelings of unsatisfaction.

I did however make a delicious baked-beef stew today; 3 hours of baking time and totally worth it.

Be here now. Mantra of the week.

He Calls me 'Puppy'

I just had an intense yoga class tonight -- stretching all kinds of legs muscles that should not be stretched. And during the final relaxation, I got a little misty-eyed. I have no idea why or what caused it, I just know that it felt special.

I've reached a point in my life: the point where I feel happy. Actually happy. The kind of happiness that made me have tears of joy (!?) for no apparent reason when I got home.

I spent most of my youth crying for different reasons. I remember having these 'I don't know why' conversations and feeling all the weight of those question marks. I spent that time trying to figure out why I was sad, why I couldn't feel happy, why, why, why.. Today a similar feeling of not knowing the sources of my feelings washed over me, but it was radically different. It didn't have all those other questions attached to it. It just felt beautiful. It felt like I could feel all the wonderful things in the world.

The only thing different about this yoga session from the other ones is that we made the corny 'Ohm' sound. The teacher said we could find some things to dedicate our 'ohms' (which are representative of our practice) to something or someone, so that we hold the tradition closer to our heart. The first thing I thought of when I thought of the dedication were three people in my life, then when I let the thought sit in my mind, I felt like the thing I really wanted to dedicate my practice to was myself, my well-being and my mother. The last time we did the 'ohm' I dedicated them to my well-being, my mother and life in general. I'm not usually into this esoteric stuff, but it felt like the only thing I could dedicate it to. Life. Why not?

It hit me how far i've come. This time last year I was having meltdown after meltdown about my relationship with P, because of my insecurities, and many more other reasons. I'm not ready yet to go re-read those posts, because i'm still not ready to accept that I was that person at some point in life. That I was desperate, that I didn't have perspective, that I asked so much of other people (my friends included), that I was holding everything so tightly I wanted to squeeze all the life out of it.

I've gone back and read a few posts about Vncnt -- the height of my desperation before last September. I look at those with a little more kindness. Sometimes they even make me laugh a little. For better or worse, Vncnt really taught me a lot about who i wanted to be (and who I didn't want to be). I don't think I could have ever dreamed of being here if I didn't live that experience with him.

P called me 'Puppy' this weekend. Affectionately, of course. We have lots of little names for each other, most of them he conjures up, but this one felt particularly right. I do feel like a little puppy around him! Happy and excited and giggly and smiley and a little bit too hyper.

It's really nice.

I'd be the one on the right.

When I grow up..

I still want to be interested in food, I still want to take the time to make healthy meals, I want to be active and in touch with nature, I don't want to think I know everything about anything, I still want to listen, I want to speak and mean what I say, I don't want to be a complainer, I want to make the time to take care of myself.

These are some things I've been thinking about this weekend. I've also been thinking a lot about how i'm becoming more and more like my mother. I remember when I was younger she would make cleaning up our closets and dresser drawers a weekend activity. She would move the furniture in our rooms to make them seem fresh and different. She took care to make the bed with 10, 000 pillows and put baby powder between the clean sheets.

I've noticed I've get great satisfaction from cleaning up the pile of clothes sitting in my closet, rethinking how to optimize my storage. I make my bed with the same care my mother took to smooth out all the wrinkles and make the sheets tight.

I know that I have no idea how children will change my life, but I really, really hope that I will still be able to do things with care for them and when they are around. I don't want to go to quick fixes most of the time. I want to connect with them through these activities.

The older I get, the more old-timey I'm becoming - wanting to make things homemade as much as possible. I don't think this is bad thing, but I'm still unsure of how I will be able to negotiate this with a full-time job later on.

Another thing is friends. The more time passes, the more I see how relationships become the center of people's lives. It seems like nowadays when I have free time, it's almost always spent with P. I love spending time with him, but it also makes me wonder: where my girls at? I want to keep my friendships even when I'm old and have a family, but this seems next to impossible when everyone is busy and far away.

I'm not saying I'm giving up hope, i'm just saying, I miss you!

Next Year

I just had a radical idea. There's part of me that wants to propose to P that we move together to Vancouver after I'm done my MA.

He has expressed interest in going back, since he was born there.

Right now I'm in the mood for an adventure!

There's a first time for everything

I just spent the whole day studying -- from 11am until 10pm with only a few breaks to eat.

It's the strangest thing I've ever done. Writing notes, making flashcards, checking to make sure I know something and if I don't making a note of it. Using our nifty blackboard (that was the best part)!

I feel very stressed and a little bit not stressed about these upcomings midterms. Everybody keeps saying: don't worry about it! But when I went to a study session last week and didn't know a fraction of what the other girls knew, I got worried.

I really wonder how much of this is useful.

Going with the flow either way though, and it kind of feels good.

I want to post!

I want to write something meaningful here so badly, but i'm barely staying afloat in school and too many lovely things are happening around me for me to keep track of!

This is pretty cool.



Slow down world!

(one breath at a time)

I've Finally Done It

I started talking to people. Randomly. Asking them questions. Starting to talk to them assuming they know who I am. One girl I wanted to talk to, she seemed nice and cool and interesting. I did it today. And I asked her name.

This is big for me. I'm breaking the ice, getting a little more comfortable, and it feels kinda good.

Furthermore, I'm really starting to like McGill. There was a protest outside today about the closure of this café called Arch café, which I think is the equivalent of Concordia's café-x (student-run, alternative goodies, organic coffee), so I hope that gets up and running again. Also, the libraries and all the quiet sitting space. Love it. And all the services are really fast! I finally found the farmer's market! Cute!

Things are looking up.

Except for this one thing: one of my profs hasn't gotten back to me about a reference letter I asked him if he would write many months ago... I'm going to freak out if this doesn't work out.

My mom keeps saying : okay, i'm going to ask the universe for this for you. And then she does, and usually it happens. So with her on my side, I'm going to do my own universe-asking and hopefully this stuff will get solidified soon.

In other news, yoga is awesome. Really much harder than I thought. I never realized how much tension I had in my legs. I'm working on stretching that out.

Love chairs

Adl (in email) : boo boop bee doo

(you see it?)



P (in email response) : I see it in you every day!

Wooo!

---

Heart -> melt.

Left-field

I just had a really strange thought. It's kind of a fear, but a very small one, and probably an irrational one. I just had the thought: 'sometimes P wants to do things that I can't do, that are beyond my abilities (eg. frisbee, team sports in general)' and 'I often want to do simple things (eg. take a walk outside) and after a few walks, his enthusiasm about them dwindles'.

The thought is about his search for adventurous and exciting things, and my preference for quiet, calm activities (which to me are never really the same, or boring, because I really like the idea that no moment is the same as the next).

Like I said, small fear, but I wanted to write it out anyway.

In other news, information science rules!

I stand corrected

There are cute/interesting pictures from the net to post.

Baby in an Eames chair -- Dream!