Corny Blog Alert!

Okay okay, I know it sounds corny, but I landed on Gwyneth Paltrow's blog and it's really really good.

Lately (for the last 6 months), I've been thinking a lot about relationships and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's interesting to think about how we can begin to be more generous with ourselves for others and how this can make relationships less selfish, which I think they may often be for me.

Gwyneth has two very insightful Q&As on relationships which are good food for thought and in tune with what i've been thinking these past months.

"Instead of wasting time with the ego's version of love, return to the place of love. To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego. You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self." - Deepak Chopra

I have been feeling generally more fulfilled. Things are great with P. I'm still putting myself first, going with the flow, being productive. I've got to work on the better eating and better exercising though... Maybe I'll get a metro pass and start swimming instead of biking... I feel like biking rattles me up a lot. Swimming is more calming.

I want to be zen!

!!!

My brain is exploding with stimulation!

Design and the elastic mind! I wish I would have been there! But it has changed everything!

ahhhh!!!

(procrastinating)

Hmmm...

http://www.natthefatrat.com/2009/10/in-defense-of-small-things.html

it seems this lady's on to something...

I'm My Own Distraction

It's funny how I can get so many other things done when I should be doing something else. Last week I hit (what I felt was) the halfway mark in my semester. Everything up to that point seemed like a giant pile of stuff I had to do through. Now I feel like a new thing comes on my plate every day and I can deal with it right away. This whole 'putting myself first' business has really helped with feeling productive and healthy.

I feel like I've re-programmed my habits a little bit, especially when thinking about eating out, buying unecessary food (who needs a Twix every day?), so it makes me feel more responsible about my health and my money. Being seriously broke for one month really put things into perspective. I haven't been freezing meals in advance as much anymore, but I do try to use what I have instead of buying one-off things. Although.. Coaticook Maple Sugar ice cream is to die for.

Things are great with P. We're nicely balanced these days. I'm go with the flow, but asserting myself more. Being busy with all kinds of projects I care about is also very rewarding.

I'm a little worried that too few women are putting themselves first. Not like half-first, I mean First-first! Being satisfied with what we do is so tightly linked with every other facet of life.. I'm amazed.

I really, really, really, really want to go to New York and eat it all up!

Strong Reactions: Honest or Rude?

Is it possible to have a strong reaction to something you don't care about?

P reacted with disgust and almost insult when he saw that L sent me an email an Ex-in-the-making wrote to her. Basically this guy was playing the hot and cold card with her, and she wanted some advice about how to handle it. He said something like 'ahhhrg stupid, fuc -- silence -- girls' followed by 'i love you'. I said, 'fine, I'm won't tell you about it' and he responded sharply 'I don't want to hear about it'. I shrugged it off and continued my email to her.

I know I shouldn't expect him to understand how girls think... much less about how sometimes they need support, another perspective, about how being heartbroken hurts and having someone talk about how hard it is for them to have dumped you hurts even more. But I think he should have some decency about how he reacts to it. He said 'don't do that with my emails!' I said, 'I don't!' I felt like it was personal.I felt like he was thinking something negative towards girls who need their girlfriend's advice.

I feel like I want to bring this up again... as some kind of solidarity act, but part of me is afraid to bring the topic up (fear of rocking the boat, of course)...

At the same time, I think I should just let it go. I can't blame him for not understanding.

I think it would be wise if I let this go. I have to remember that Ermerson quote...

The Future

So after a series of complications (and panics) with rides and departure times, I left friday morning to go visit the University of Toronto. I arrived about 5 minutes before my meeting, and thankfully Ll was there to drive me to the door.

I walk in, ring the bell, and a pretty older lady guides me to the assistant Dean's office. I walk in, a beautiful grey-haired, bobbed, pearl wearing lady greets me with her smile. I sit down, we talk about the school, the city, my background, we discuss funding and she encourages me to apply to the SSHRC (worth 17 500$) and then she shows me through the school. We go to the top, look at the view, she tells me 'this is where we have tea every thursday', we meet other friendly profs in the halls, everything is wonderful. The building itself is very 70s inside, but it felt like walking through some kind of prestigious building where smart, nice people study.

I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I felt it.

I spend a lovely 14 hours in the city with my Mount Allison friend Lr. Hung out with some great ex-Mount A students. The whole thing made me realize what nice people there are in the world.

I also realized how if you really want something, you can get it.

I had been researching grants and funding options since last fall, but knowing Information is considered a professional MA, it limits my eligibility for certain grants. I thought the SSHRC wouldn't work, but when the assistant Dean told me I should, I thought I would. Long-story-short: I panicked (since the deadline is friday), sent a bunch of emails to profs late last night, and hoped somehow everything would magically fall into place this morning. Of course they all want to write letters for me, I thought. The reality is not that they don't want to, it's that they don't have time. One prof told me just that. Another told me she didn't know me well enough. After the second rejection, I re-emailed the other two profs and told them to forget about it and pretend it never happened.

I feel like a fool. I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the only professors I really knew. I feel like I've tarnished the idea they had of me in their minds.

I think, 'do it once and do it right', but this panic about the future got me in a frenzie. I know it's not the end of the world, but this morning I felt like I fucked my future, hard.

Now I think, 'what the fuck?' I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway, and there are other options to consider. Now i've got to rock all my classes to get killer grades to get funding from the university.

I need to chill the fuck out. Besides, I'm not in a rush to leave this city - I just got my bed situation figured out!

In other news, things are great with P. Although, now I sort of feel like I let him down by fucking up this application thing.. Why does it matter to me if I screw up in front of him anyway?

Sheets! and Treats!

I bought sheets this week. Finally, a bed, nice sheets, things are coming together! I daydreamed about my bed today... it was really funny. (They don't look like the ones in the picture -- I wish! -- but I find this bed so pretty!)

I realized something this weekend. I went to a Cinema students party with P and Lé on friday. P slept over and earlier he had told me he had lots of work to do over the weekend. I was going to be busy myself, working the whole weekend (which I usually don't) and various schoolwork needed to be done. I had a lovely saturday working at Bummis and reserved that night to spend with Vnss. We went to a restaurant I like a lot, despite its terrible service, Les Enfants Terribles, and had dessert and a cocktail. It was really fucking fantastic. I had forgotten what it was to spend time with my girlfriend under non-distress circumstances. We hadn't done anything like this in a while, given that we were both broke, and it was really refreshing. I spent the next sunday at home mostly, doing schoolwork, preparing for a presentation, not really thinking of P.

The times I spoke to him on Sunday and Monday were a little bit rushed -- me being the first to say 'okay well...' (like the wrap up of a phone conversation) and him going on a little more about something that happened in the day. I felt a little bit like I was playing a game, the 'I'm too busy to talk to you' game. It was like a guard or something. I didn't like that feeling. I thought, hell, if I've gotten to the point of playing games with him, that's not a good sign, and maybe it would be better to seriously consider what is really best for the both of us.

Quickly after though, I realized what I was really doing was putting myself first, focusing on my activities, doing things I like doing, doing things that make me feel productive. The whole thing made me realize what 'putting myself first' meant. I had totally forgotten. Not forgotten, I didn't understand what it meant anymore! So now I thought, well, if that's what he's doing, that's okay. And if that's what I have to do to make this relationship work, then, what's so bad about that!?

I had this whole dramatic scenario in my head that pictured 'putting myself first' as the first step towards estrangement. Like two people riding bikes on the same path but not talking to each other. But it doesn't have to be like that.

Besides, I really need to step up my game in this last semester... I haven't been giving it my 100% and I don't feel good about that.

I'm going to Toronto tomorrow to visit the University of Toronto's Faculty of Information science. I'm pretty nervous, but also very excited. On my own in the big city for a day... I'll have to try and picture myself there. I hope it's a good picture.

What else? I feel like I had so many things to say! Oh well... I'll just crawl into my soft comfy bed...

I feel a little bit like this girl.

Allan King

"Reality -- one finds that it's full of contradictions and all the values in it are human. And therefore, being human, they tend to be full of tensions between various notions of what is good and what is valuable. Life is about working out resolutions between those tensions and those conflicts so that you can live longer, hurt people less, get more pleasure and do all the things people want to do."

I know I'll be okay if this ends. I'm just not ready to give up yet. 

Expectations

'Would it be easier on you if we did break up?'

that's what I really want to ask him.

One Day at a Time

Why do I spend my time thinking about the future? Why do I sabbotage my present happiness by overthinking the possibilities of the unknown?

I had an email exchange with P's mother after last weekend's brunch. It was merely a 'have a good trip' email, but it turned into a minor discussion about the future. She reiterated how she and her husband spent 3 years apart before coming together. She said her daughter (also graduating) and I need to go off and spread our wings so that we can lead fulfilling lives.

I'm really, really scared by this reality.

I know she's right. I know I need to get out of my box -- even though it's a beautiful box, filled with wonderful people -- and go experience something else. I haven't even begun applying to graduate schools, but I'm in tears just thinking about getting accepted to the ones that are far away.

I know Toronto isn't far. I would hope that it might become a logical next step for P, but there's part of me that is saddened by the idea that for the rest of our lives our time will be spent mostly apart. In the email, his mother said 'P will be away on film shoots for many months at a time and being away from the people he loves will be a fact of life for him.' I want to be the strong girl who believes everything will fall into place, and if I can just be in the present I won't waste time thinking about 'what might happen if...'

Be here now. Be here now. I need to be here now.

Polytechnique - Denis Villeneuve

We went to see Polytechnique on saturday. Watching that was like getting the wind knocked out of me. Those are the only words I can use to express how I felt watching it. The event itself is horrifying, the fact that women still deal with some of the issues they were facing in this film is depressing. I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to leave. I'm not one to leave when there are tough issues to see or deal with, but this, this touched me deep inside, inside where my sense of security lies. I want to say 'Don't see this film,' it's too sad to see.

It was so well made, i'm at a loss for words.

P reacted similarly. He said what he took out of the film is that it's really scary to be a woman. He also said, 'What's the point of living if you're never going to stand up for something?' referring to the men who left the women helpless starring down the barrel of the guy's M16.

He hugged me and touched me and kissed me more than he usually does for the next 24 hours.

I Got It.

Finally. I get it. After weeks of thoughts, emotions, ups and downs, I finally got it.

You can't get everything you want out of the same person. Different people offer different things. That is what makes them wonderful and fascinating.

---

About a week ago, I initiated an email discussion with P. Somewhere where I could get all my thoughts and feelings off my chest, and hopefully, provide a starting point for him to share his. My first email got a response, my second was left lingering for a few days. I wasn't bothered by this because a day or so after I sent the email I had a complete turnaround. Vnss made me realize I had only been focusing on the negative, that I should remember that he could have broken up with me but he didn't, that he is attached to me for a reason I may never know, and that I should see the bright side of the situation.

Her advice stuck. Stuck like crazy glue! I felt way better all week, I felt like it was everything was good and that we would see each other whenever we had time, and that he loved me and everything was great. We spent the weekend together, my thoughts occasionally went back to my unanswered email, and then I thought, why not just tell him that I feel a bit left in the dark?

Not one minute after I sent the email my phone rings. It's P! He asks me how I am and what I'm doing, I tell him about my paper -- which I should be writing at this very moment instead of blogging -- and he says 'I got your email'. Then he says, 'You're stressin' me out baybay!' and I say 'ooh no, that's not what I meant to do... but! It's good! I'm glad you're telling me this!' We proceed to talk about how I need to have emotional discussions way more than he is willing, and that this is causing him some stress. I'm left with mixed feelings and then Sm comes into my room.

I tell him what I discussed with P. Explain how P doesn't like to trust emotions, but rather think through emotions, and Sm agrees with P's strategy. He explains that relationships need to be compartmentalized; you get different things from different relationships and although I am usually a more deeply involved friend, it's not necessarily to be such a deeply involved girlfriend.

It clicks! P is not one of my girlfriends. I don't need to share everything with him. In fact, it's probably better if things come out over time. Besides, P's not telling me I can't share things with him, he's just asking that I don't push him for his own opinions.

I called him to tell him I got it. He reacted funnily, a little stunned, but sweet. He said that even though I may feel like I don't know him right now, these things get known over time. He said there is friendship and a mutual understanding between us that separates our relationship from strictly friendship. From this I deduce that I need to have faith that I will learn more things about him over time.

He did however say I could ask him two questions about any topic that he would answer fully. I couldn't think of any on the spot... but I will definitely think about them carefully.

Overall, good conversation. My confidence needs a little boost still, but this was a good help.

H-C B

I'm not sure what to say, but I think things are sort of okay.

Patience and faith.

Be Calm and Carry On.

I need patience. I need faith. I'm in a state of needing at the moment. Needing to be reassured, needing to be needed.

P and I talked while we were at the Botanical Gardens. It was not the conversation I was hoping for. It left me unsatisfied and slightly more confused. I'm a little unnerved that I am so set on sticking this through. I feel like i'm entering unhealthy relationship territory. I feel like i'm swimming so hard, just to keep my head afloat.

I sent him an email; an initiation to discussion. Though he doesn't acknowledge it, P is a toug nut to crack. He's got his emotions in check at all times. This is very frustrating for me. Even more frustrating is the feelings I have to carry around vis-a-vis this situation. I'm spending too much time thinking about it, it's absorbing me, like my thoughts were absorbed by Vncnt last year. Very unhealthy. I guess the difference is, I'm really, truly in love with P, so it hurts much more.

I want him to open the door. Or at least, I want him to want to open the door.

They say 'men never change', i'm very discouraged by this statement.

Other than that, I'm too busy with school and work. I don't know how much longer this can go on.

Better.

We talked a few times from the moment he requested a break to the time we planned to 'discuss things'. I always felt a bit awkward and skeptical, but I quickly realized there was nothing to be alarmed of. 

I was unusually calm during those days of waiting. It helped that I was kept busy. When he came to my house on Thursday so that we could talk, he came up the stairs slowly and his behind the corner. A box popped out and it had a red ribbon on it. I said 'Is that box floating by itself?' and I heard him giggle behind the wall. I said, 'Am I supposed to go get it?', he shakes the box to lure me and I bit. As I walk down the three steps, he comes out from behind the corner and hugs me. One of those I-missed-you hugs. I hug him back. 

We ate, talked about our day and lounged around. We didn't get around to talking about 'things' because there was a part of me that wanted to forget it ever happened, and a part that couldn't bear the thought of bringing it up and prompting our demise. 

I know this is a step in the wrong direction, the direction of non-communication, something we've been struggling with... but I'm just so happy he has reconnected with me for the time being. 

Lifted.

Yesterday was a 24 hour panic attack. I've yet to divulge the details, because I simply can't think about them again. Basically, P and I are on a break, suggested by him, and we're meeting on thursday to discuss things.

Yes, I slept in the shirt I wore the last time I saw him. No, I haven't showered since the last time we showered together. I'm grabbing on to the last things I can right now, not knowing what the future holds.

I couldn't find an image that adequately portrayed how I feel, or the feelings that have been captured in photos I have of you, but you can do your best to imagine it.

I feel so lifted by you all. I feel so special to have you all in my life. I literally feel lifted a few centimeters from the ground knowing you are a part of my life.

Best. Friends. Ever.

Sick to My Stomach

I can't talk about it yet.

Flying Solo

Lately I've been feeling strange, as if I'm alone, working on P and I's relationship. I know he's going through a really tough time lately: his film wasn't picked up by a festival, he's graduating, he didn't get the job he was counting on for post-graduation because he's 6 credits shy of having a degree, and I think he's generally unsatisfied by not working on his own projects. He's probably terrified about the future, as I would be. From this comes his tendency to shut me out a little bit when it relates to his feelings.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and talking about 'relationships'. One of my favorite blogs has been posting about 'the secrets of successful relationships'. I read them all and find what may apply to me. Many of them say talking things out, no matter how difficult the topic, is a crucial part of being happy. I'm struggling with this like I've never struggled with anything else.

I have all these thoughts like 'Why do I feel like I'm the only one working at this?', 'I feel undesired', 'I feel guilty for wanting to talk about some things', 'I feel worried bringing these things up will prompt him to end the relationship'. Most, if not all these thoughts are totally irrational, I know, but I can't help feeling them.

I feel like I need to be really reassured. I need him to reassure me that he's there. I want him to be connected to me, even though he told me he feels disconnected from everything.

This feels dramatic. I don't like it.

Makin' Faces

I had a strange realization this evening while walking back from the store with Sm. He was talking as he usually does, and suddenly I had to say: 'You just don't stop talking, do you?' Not in a mean way, I was just stating the fact of the situation. I think I've felt like P hasn't been listening to me lately. Like most of what we talk about revolves around his work and events. We're not sharing ideas. I have a strange feeling that the two people I see and talk to the most (P and Sm) are having conversations with themselves with me as a spectator. It's a bizarre feeling.

For some reason this thought makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I'm also uncomfortable in this mental state I've been inhabiting for the last few weeks. It's either a state of calm and zen, or a frustration with the world so intense I've reverted back into my head. These two states are worlds apart, which would seem to make my identifying it easy, but I'm totally confused.

This confusion, compounded by the transition into school-life, the instability of class schedules makes me slightly depressed. I think I've got to cut some dead weight (difficult classes) and try to find somewhere comfortable to be. It's my last year, I don't want to overbuden myself with classes and projects. I want this one to go smoothly.



P, me and our sweet rides.

Emerson

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day; Wisdom is when you let something go everyday"

New motto.