One Day at a Time

Why do I spend my time thinking about the future? Why do I sabbotage my present happiness by overthinking the possibilities of the unknown?

I had an email exchange with P's mother after last weekend's brunch. It was merely a 'have a good trip' email, but it turned into a minor discussion about the future. She reiterated how she and her husband spent 3 years apart before coming together. She said her daughter (also graduating) and I need to go off and spread our wings so that we can lead fulfilling lives.

I'm really, really scared by this reality.

I know she's right. I know I need to get out of my box -- even though it's a beautiful box, filled with wonderful people -- and go experience something else. I haven't even begun applying to graduate schools, but I'm in tears just thinking about getting accepted to the ones that are far away.

I know Toronto isn't far. I would hope that it might become a logical next step for P, but there's part of me that is saddened by the idea that for the rest of our lives our time will be spent mostly apart. In the email, his mother said 'P will be away on film shoots for many months at a time and being away from the people he loves will be a fact of life for him.' I want to be the strong girl who believes everything will fall into place, and if I can just be in the present I won't waste time thinking about 'what might happen if...'

Be here now. Be here now. I need to be here now.

Polytechnique - Denis Villeneuve

We went to see Polytechnique on saturday. Watching that was like getting the wind knocked out of me. Those are the only words I can use to express how I felt watching it. The event itself is horrifying, the fact that women still deal with some of the issues they were facing in this film is depressing. I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to leave. I'm not one to leave when there are tough issues to see or deal with, but this, this touched me deep inside, inside where my sense of security lies. I want to say 'Don't see this film,' it's too sad to see.

It was so well made, i'm at a loss for words.

P reacted similarly. He said what he took out of the film is that it's really scary to be a woman. He also said, 'What's the point of living if you're never going to stand up for something?' referring to the men who left the women helpless starring down the barrel of the guy's M16.

He hugged me and touched me and kissed me more than he usually does for the next 24 hours.

I Got It.

Finally. I get it. After weeks of thoughts, emotions, ups and downs, I finally got it.

You can't get everything you want out of the same person. Different people offer different things. That is what makes them wonderful and fascinating.

---

About a week ago, I initiated an email discussion with P. Somewhere where I could get all my thoughts and feelings off my chest, and hopefully, provide a starting point for him to share his. My first email got a response, my second was left lingering for a few days. I wasn't bothered by this because a day or so after I sent the email I had a complete turnaround. Vnss made me realize I had only been focusing on the negative, that I should remember that he could have broken up with me but he didn't, that he is attached to me for a reason I may never know, and that I should see the bright side of the situation.

Her advice stuck. Stuck like crazy glue! I felt way better all week, I felt like it was everything was good and that we would see each other whenever we had time, and that he loved me and everything was great. We spent the weekend together, my thoughts occasionally went back to my unanswered email, and then I thought, why not just tell him that I feel a bit left in the dark?

Not one minute after I sent the email my phone rings. It's P! He asks me how I am and what I'm doing, I tell him about my paper -- which I should be writing at this very moment instead of blogging -- and he says 'I got your email'. Then he says, 'You're stressin' me out baybay!' and I say 'ooh no, that's not what I meant to do... but! It's good! I'm glad you're telling me this!' We proceed to talk about how I need to have emotional discussions way more than he is willing, and that this is causing him some stress. I'm left with mixed feelings and then Sm comes into my room.

I tell him what I discussed with P. Explain how P doesn't like to trust emotions, but rather think through emotions, and Sm agrees with P's strategy. He explains that relationships need to be compartmentalized; you get different things from different relationships and although I am usually a more deeply involved friend, it's not necessarily to be such a deeply involved girlfriend.

It clicks! P is not one of my girlfriends. I don't need to share everything with him. In fact, it's probably better if things come out over time. Besides, P's not telling me I can't share things with him, he's just asking that I don't push him for his own opinions.

I called him to tell him I got it. He reacted funnily, a little stunned, but sweet. He said that even though I may feel like I don't know him right now, these things get known over time. He said there is friendship and a mutual understanding between us that separates our relationship from strictly friendship. From this I deduce that I need to have faith that I will learn more things about him over time.

He did however say I could ask him two questions about any topic that he would answer fully. I couldn't think of any on the spot... but I will definitely think about them carefully.

Overall, good conversation. My confidence needs a little boost still, but this was a good help.

H-C B

I'm not sure what to say, but I think things are sort of okay.

Patience and faith.

Be Calm and Carry On.

I need patience. I need faith. I'm in a state of needing at the moment. Needing to be reassured, needing to be needed.

P and I talked while we were at the Botanical Gardens. It was not the conversation I was hoping for. It left me unsatisfied and slightly more confused. I'm a little unnerved that I am so set on sticking this through. I feel like i'm entering unhealthy relationship territory. I feel like i'm swimming so hard, just to keep my head afloat.

I sent him an email; an initiation to discussion. Though he doesn't acknowledge it, P is a toug nut to crack. He's got his emotions in check at all times. This is very frustrating for me. Even more frustrating is the feelings I have to carry around vis-a-vis this situation. I'm spending too much time thinking about it, it's absorbing me, like my thoughts were absorbed by Vncnt last year. Very unhealthy. I guess the difference is, I'm really, truly in love with P, so it hurts much more.

I want him to open the door. Or at least, I want him to want to open the door.

They say 'men never change', i'm very discouraged by this statement.

Other than that, I'm too busy with school and work. I don't know how much longer this can go on.

Better.

We talked a few times from the moment he requested a break to the time we planned to 'discuss things'. I always felt a bit awkward and skeptical, but I quickly realized there was nothing to be alarmed of. 

I was unusually calm during those days of waiting. It helped that I was kept busy. When he came to my house on Thursday so that we could talk, he came up the stairs slowly and his behind the corner. A box popped out and it had a red ribbon on it. I said 'Is that box floating by itself?' and I heard him giggle behind the wall. I said, 'Am I supposed to go get it?', he shakes the box to lure me and I bit. As I walk down the three steps, he comes out from behind the corner and hugs me. One of those I-missed-you hugs. I hug him back. 

We ate, talked about our day and lounged around. We didn't get around to talking about 'things' because there was a part of me that wanted to forget it ever happened, and a part that couldn't bear the thought of bringing it up and prompting our demise. 

I know this is a step in the wrong direction, the direction of non-communication, something we've been struggling with... but I'm just so happy he has reconnected with me for the time being. 

Lifted.

Yesterday was a 24 hour panic attack. I've yet to divulge the details, because I simply can't think about them again. Basically, P and I are on a break, suggested by him, and we're meeting on thursday to discuss things.

Yes, I slept in the shirt I wore the last time I saw him. No, I haven't showered since the last time we showered together. I'm grabbing on to the last things I can right now, not knowing what the future holds.

I couldn't find an image that adequately portrayed how I feel, or the feelings that have been captured in photos I have of you, but you can do your best to imagine it.

I feel so lifted by you all. I feel so special to have you all in my life. I literally feel lifted a few centimeters from the ground knowing you are a part of my life.

Best. Friends. Ever.

Sick to My Stomach

I can't talk about it yet.

Flying Solo

Lately I've been feeling strange, as if I'm alone, working on P and I's relationship. I know he's going through a really tough time lately: his film wasn't picked up by a festival, he's graduating, he didn't get the job he was counting on for post-graduation because he's 6 credits shy of having a degree, and I think he's generally unsatisfied by not working on his own projects. He's probably terrified about the future, as I would be. From this comes his tendency to shut me out a little bit when it relates to his feelings.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and talking about 'relationships'. One of my favorite blogs has been posting about 'the secrets of successful relationships'. I read them all and find what may apply to me. Many of them say talking things out, no matter how difficult the topic, is a crucial part of being happy. I'm struggling with this like I've never struggled with anything else.

I have all these thoughts like 'Why do I feel like I'm the only one working at this?', 'I feel undesired', 'I feel guilty for wanting to talk about some things', 'I feel worried bringing these things up will prompt him to end the relationship'. Most, if not all these thoughts are totally irrational, I know, but I can't help feeling them.

I feel like I need to be really reassured. I need him to reassure me that he's there. I want him to be connected to me, even though he told me he feels disconnected from everything.

This feels dramatic. I don't like it.

Makin' Faces

I had a strange realization this evening while walking back from the store with Sm. He was talking as he usually does, and suddenly I had to say: 'You just don't stop talking, do you?' Not in a mean way, I was just stating the fact of the situation. I think I've felt like P hasn't been listening to me lately. Like most of what we talk about revolves around his work and events. We're not sharing ideas. I have a strange feeling that the two people I see and talk to the most (P and Sm) are having conversations with themselves with me as a spectator. It's a bizarre feeling.

For some reason this thought makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I'm also uncomfortable in this mental state I've been inhabiting for the last few weeks. It's either a state of calm and zen, or a frustration with the world so intense I've reverted back into my head. These two states are worlds apart, which would seem to make my identifying it easy, but I'm totally confused.

This confusion, compounded by the transition into school-life, the instability of class schedules makes me slightly depressed. I think I've got to cut some dead weight (difficult classes) and try to find somewhere comfortable to be. It's my last year, I don't want to overbuden myself with classes and projects. I want this one to go smoothly.



P, me and our sweet rides.

Emerson

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day; Wisdom is when you let something go everyday"

New motto.

Sometimes Bikes Hurt

I crashed into someone today. Or he crashed into me. We crashed into each other in front of Mcgill's Roddick gates. I was coming from campus, maybe a little faster than I should have been going and when I went to turn on Sherbrooke, there was a guy with his friend riding in my direction. I tried to stop as much as possible but the momentum sent me flying chest forward while my legs got tangled in my falling bike. The bikes broke my fall but I feel a bump on my knee and a bruise on my arm. Thankfully, I was able to ride away rather quickly, whereas the guy was left with a bent front wheel. He was nice and apologising profusely, while I was focused on getting up.

Angry. Sad. Guilty.

Those are the things I feel about this situation. Angry - so angry - at the situation because it was avoidable, at the guy because it was stupid of him to ride against traffic (even though we all do it one time or another), at myself for not slowing down when I was coming out of the gates.

I feel sad because situations like these scare me. They make me afraid of cycling. They make me afraid that at any moment a car door will swing open and I will slam into it just before being thrown in front of a car. I rode off from the scene, but I was shaking in the knees a little bit. I felt them weakened. I wear a helmet, but realistically, it will do little to save me from serious injury, if it happened. I know I have to slow down, I'm scared by how fast I go and how careless I can be. I don't know where this drive to be reckless comes from. Sometimes I wonder if i'm hoping for an accident.

I feel guilty because I left the situation so quickly. I muttered a few 'I'm sorry's while looking at the guy's wheel. I feel guilty that my first thoughts afterwards were 'yeah, it better have been your wheel and not mine'. I feel guilty I didn't offer to give my name or to take off my sunglasses and deal with the situation more thoroughly. I feel guilty that the guy knew it was his fault, and I was thinking 'yeah it was your fault'. I feel guilty because I know i'm being a hypocrite.

I don't like that this event ruined my whole day. Or rather, that I let it ruin my whole day. I should be glad it wasn't worse, and that my bike in intact.

I don't understand why I focus on the negative.

Boeuf Bourguignon, Here I Come!

So i've turned totally domestic. Julia Child is my new idol. Anyone who can master the mysteries of cooking, I am in awe of them.

In a continued effort to save money, I've become very aware of what I eat and where. I was spending too much money on restaurants and coffee shops, but now, I've reduced my daily intake of coffee and I'm trying to make more things from scratch. It turns out, some things are surprisingly easy! Like biscuits!

I had my first fully relaxing weekend of the summer. I woke up when I felt like it on saturday (9.30am -- not bad, I'm a notoriously late sleeper), hopped on to my favourite food blog and proceeded to unknowingly pick out several recipes I wanted to make in the near future. I ended up planning my whole meals for the week. I tried to think a little bit in advance to be able to use as much as I would buy in as many meals as possible and it totally worked! I went to Jean Talon Market, bought a whole bunch of fresh vegetables and spent under 20$.

I came home, made french onion soup, improvised a lasagna for the next day, and made some chocolate mousse (which was my third attempt that week! -- turns out, egg whites are crucial!).

What I've noticed coming out of this culinary adventure is a great sense of accomplishment, and a little bit of self confidence. I'm still struggling to find the right level of confidence in myself. Trying to be a little softer, take off a little pressure.. so far, the only place I've managed to get anywhere near those things is in the kitchen.

I don't usually cook for people. I'm a solo eater for the most part. The occasional time P will come over and I'll make something, but we'll usually make it together.

When i'm cooking by myself, knowing no one else will be eating the food, I feel great. I feel like I can throw anything in that tomato sauce and it will be delicious. It is also the place where i'm not afraid to fail and try again. The mousse. I looked up countless recipes, watched numerous videos, read too many how-tos, and what I ended up doing was mixing elements of all of them together and trusting my instincts. It turned out delicious. Probably one of the best desserts I've ever made.

Trusting my instincts is something I find very difficult, especially when it comes to personal matters. I tell people to trust their instincts all the time, but fail to do so myself... I'm not sure why i'm like this.. I have a hunch it's related to my childhood, but what isn't!?

Swimming is the same thing. When I was re-learning to swim last summer, Ag told me 'swim the way you are most comfortable, you'll find your groove', and I did. We went with Vncnt to the pool on Laurier for the first time this summer. After the initial shock of the cold water, we swam like fishies and had a blast. She told me I improved.

I went to see Julie and Julia today with L and her friend D, it wasn't a great cinematic work, but learning about Julia Child's story was fascinating and inspiring. We were discussing after the film and I suggested I was less sympathetic to the Julie character, whose blog was turned into a book and then a film within only a few years, because her success was relatively quick but ultimately nothing substantial, nothing that will last years and years. Whereas Julia Child's passion (and struggle to get her book published) spans years of highs and lows. Julia Child's determination was inspiring.

Totally inspiring.



Besides, she was a spy!

Here's my chocolate mousse recipe for anyone feeling like they want a little something sweet.

2 squares of baker's chocolate semi-sweet
1 teaspoon of butter
200 mL of whipping cream (about a fifth of a small carton)
3 egg whites
1 egg yoke
1 tablespoon of sugar

Melt the chocolate over a double boiler and add butter. Take off heat and gently add egg yolk. Mix together and let it cool to room temperature. In the meantime, whip your whipping cream in one bowl and whip your egg whites in another. A few seconds after your eggs whites have begun thickening, add the sugar. (Egg whites are really hard to make with a whisk, a mixer is very helpful, but if you're feeling ambitious, whisk away!) Whisk until they form peeks.

When your chocolate has gotten to room temperature, take a little bit of the whites and mix into it into the chocolate to loosen it up a little bit. Then gradually fold in the rest of the whites in small portions (about 1/3 of the quantity you have in each addition). Once the whites are incorporated, gently fold in the whipping cream. Fold until you have no more left. Then stick your finger in it and smile. It'll be so good, I promise.

Conversations (or Lack Thereof)

I've noticed I hold many things back from P. I know this is the worse thing to do in a relationship, because people always talk about how 'communication is key!', but I haven't figured out what that means yet...

Sometimes I feel like P avoids certain conversations. Not out of any negative sentiment, but probably because he's uncomfortable talking about them. Like the me wanting to see him more thing. I think he doesn't like risky topics. Risky in the sense that someone could get upset or hurt.

Whenever I feel like i'm holding back, I have a tendency to shut down a little bit. I retreat to my thoughts and try to figure out 'what went wrong'. A lot of the time I think the problem is mine, and that I created it on my own, instead of trying to deal with it with the person in question. This is not a great strategy since, I usually end up caving or blowing up a little bit.

I'm in a weird place right now... I'm unsure how to get out of it.

Modern Love

Funny how when we're sad, the kind of sadness that weighs in your belly, the first thing that goes is our desire to eat. I'm full on sadness.

I'm being over dramatic, but the thing is I have a little ache in my heart to see P and he's too busy. Not only is he too busy, he's happy being busy. He said he misses me, but he's okay with having seen me for 6 hours total last week. He doesn't see that as a crappy situation.

What's also crappy is that I leave the conversation feeling demanding for wanting to see him twice per week.

He worked on a film set from friday to monday. I'm super happy that he was able to, given that he hasn't had the chance all summer. I'm happy to see him so enthusiastic and energetic. I guess I just didn't realize I would become second potatoe so soon.

I know filmmaking is his passion. I love that it is. I know he's not the type to let anything step in the way of his dream. I think I may not have realized what that meant...

You Are What You Eat

I've been thinking a lot about food these days. In an attempt to save money, I've discovered the joys of freezing things in one-meal portions. In the last two days I've made two versions of sheppard's pie, tomato-garlic-olive sauce for pasta with chicken and beet-carrot salad. Tonight I was cooking, while I was cooking. I felt present in and pleased with my actions. Preparing food, thinking ahead, being creative, not putting pressure on myself to make anything perfect. The last point might be the most important.

I've been putting too much pressure on myself (and others) to be perfect in the last while. I know it's not right, or productive, to be that way, but I often find myself forgetting that people are human and their imperfections make them special and wonderful.

I found this film at La Boite Noire: "How to Cook Your Life". It's a documentary about a zen chef Edward Espe Brown and (mostly western) culture's attitude towards food. I didn't know what to expect when I rented it. I simply hoped it would be visually interesting.

It turns out to be more about the philosophy of food, and in turn, of life. He says at some point something like "making sincere effort means the blemishes show", it's not pretending to be perfect and it shouldn't have to be. This should be my motto from now on.

I also need to eat less sugar. L is on a mission to cut back, and she being the only other person with a similarly sized sweet tooth... I believe I should also make an effort. So far, it's been very difficult.

I bought honey though. It's really wonderfully tasty.

"The Moon is Reaching For Me"

I've reached a point now where I feel exhausted and exhilarated. I remember a few months ago, we went to Toqué, the most expensive restaurant in the city, for a friend's birthday. For a moment, I stepped outside my body and found myself surrounded by these great people. I saw myself with them and felt jealous. I felt jealous of myself. It was a strange but wonderful feeling.

I feel like I've been patient, and I've built something beautiful with the people around me. I feel like I have everything I wanted. It's a strange but wonderful feeling.

My job is good and challenging (dealing with different kinds of people), my internship is fun, the journal is really picking up steam and I've somehow managed to get my need to consume under control. All in all, this was a summer of hard work. Work, work, and more work. Very rewarding, but also tiring.

I tried to go swimming last night for the first time in a few weeks. I only managed to swim for half the time I usually do. I felt overwhelmed and stressed. I wasn't able to relax, feel the water, and clear my head. My brain is unable to shut off these days... I fear that it will become worse during school.

I've decided what to do about grad schools. I'm going to apply to McGill for library studies, and Carleton for film studies. I'm keeping the PhD on the back burner for the moment, because I don't think I'm ready to leave the city and all the wonderful people here.

I can't believe I'm living the life I've always wanted.

Tonight, it's a Hepburn trilogy (Audrey for Funny Face and Sabrina, and Katherine for Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?).

I've got old movies on the brain and it feels great.

I Know, I Know, I Know

I haven't posted in too long.

The skies are a beautiful shade of pink, and life is happening all around me. It's amazing and terrifying simultaneously.

The journal I'm starting up with L at school is taking on some momentum. I interviewed a new prof at school tonight. It was awesome to talk to someone with similar interests, but more knowledge. The kind of knowledge I hope I will gain.

I've been discovering the joys of talking to people. My investigation into the meaning of friendship yielded surprising and rewarding results. Asking them questions and listening to their answers without necessarily providing my own insight. This interview was another sort of investigation, maybe an investigation into my future.

I've started the heavy-duty research into graduate programs. I'm still hesitating about everything, but I'm anxious to be decided.

New job at Bummis. New internship around the corner for Vice magazine, which will be the first time I'm doing something even remotely related to my field (and getting paid -- not bad). I think although it's not perfect, it's a smart move towards my 'career'.

I haven't been reading my design blogs too carefully, instead I've been reading books, which is a nice change. I guess I just needed to find the right one, and that was "On Photography" by Susan Sontag. It's the kind of book that focuses on this great art theory, but also, the theory is totally applicable to life. For example, she said

"In contrast to the amorous relation, which is based on how something looks, understanding is based on how it functions. And functionning takes place over time, and must be explained in time."

I think this is a great and comforting quote. It makes me worry less about not understanding things, or not being able to express my thoughts on things, because if I understand that this will take time I understand that there is no need to put that kind of pressure on myself.

My next book will be Barthes "Camera Lucida", another photography book. I guess i'm seeing these photography books as different sorts of entries into cinema. In a way, expanding my scope of knowledge. There's an intro to Art History I would love to take next year, but my schedule does not permit it. I guess I'll have to learn myself, which is not such a bad thing.

(I will blog more.)

Semi-successful Investigation

I've been thinking a lot about relationships: friendly ones, blood ones, and romantic ones. I find it interesting how some people are very hesitant to think about them, to think about how they are formed, what makes them work, what makes them last.

How do we define 'friend'? Is it defined by the frequency of their presence? Geographic proximity? I think part of it is about being on the same page at the same time. Not necessarily close in terms of daily life, but connected through their interpretation of their experiences. Their ability to empathize, maybe. Often this is related to comforting someone, given them advice, which ultimately boils down to 'listening'. Listening with their open heart.

What sort of expectations to we have of our friends? I suppose I'm stating that they should listen with their heart. But one interesting thing my mom proposed to me when I was having some difficulty adapting to Jcqs and I's changed friendship, she said: 'he does not owe you anything'. I had difficulty wrapping my head around this because I had a hurt-feelings residue, but later I came to realize that she's right. Friends don't owe us anything. We shouldn't be friends with people because we think that somehow they owe us their time, their attention, their respect because we give ours to them. Being someone's friend should be a selfless thing (or as much as possible, because we all know how doing good to others makes us feel great too).

Now, I perfectly understand it when someone argues, 'but people are friends because the other person gives them something, there is a mutual exchange that happens', and I can agree that an energy exchange can occur, but expecting this exchange is where it becomes problematic. Expecting anything is problematic, because that creates certain limits in which this friend fits. Then how are we supposed to deal with unforeseen changes? When we become frustrated, disappointed, feel forgotten or replaced? When one of the pair begins feeling these things, it means there are some kind of expectation established. I can understand how expectations are related to a sense of 'caring': if someone never expects anything of you and you can be here or there, and everything is the same, then how do you know that the other person has any sense of you, what you do, what you care about, where you are and how you feel.

The other problem with expectations is that they are so arbitrary. For this, I use an extreme example in a slightly different interpersonal dynamic (a romantic relationship): I expect my partner never to hit me, under any circumstances. This, which seems so black and white is not when you consider that for some women, being hit can (probably unconsciously) be justified. Now, in a friendship the example should probably be milder, but my point is simply that expectations create a 'lose-lose' situation, because they are different for every person. Then, if we don't expect anything out of anyone, it's win-win, because we'll constantly be surprised.

Now, I must emphasize that I am not convinced that the issue is so clear cut, or that it will ever be. But, I think it's important to think about it because when we become disappointed we should think about what is really disappointing us.

I see so many holes in all the possible variations of these arguments, I'm not sure what to make of them. What I have noticed in my subtle investigations of people and their relationships is that it seems most people are reticent about discussing friends, love and family. Then I wondered why? Is it because these elements of life should be felt, and not thought?

I'm not sure I can do that. I love thinking about the people around me too much. They're my point of reference.

Feel it.

I haven't blogged in many days, updates will come. I just caught up with Notes. I felt your happiness. I felt it like goosebumps.

It's amazing how people with such distance between them can feel so close.